The End of That 70's Show
by mells
Summary: Set in the beginning of Season 8 after Somebody to Love except Randy doesn't exist. It will always involve the group but will eventually get more into the HJ and ED pairings. My own interpretation of how the series should end.
1. Chapter 1

**Intro: Donna & Jackie are sitting on the Forman's front porch. It's very cold. They are**

**both shivering.**

Jackie: I can't believe my top came off! In front of the entire bar!

Donna: I know. It was pretty embarrassing.

Jackie: Well, yeah. But more importantly, I just can't believe I wasn't mobbed! It's one

thing to see Jackie Burkhart fully clothed. But topless? That's got to hurt all of the ugo's

feelings.

Donna: (sarcastically) Wow, I never thought of it like that. We could have been part of a

real bar brawl! (rolls eyes)

(Jackie nods in agreement)

Donna: You know, Jackie. As appalled as I was to see you drunk and acting like a

complete moron in front of a lot of people, I'm kind of glad that you were so gung-ho

about getting out there and being your own person.

Jackie: Yeah. And when I meet the perfect guy, then I'll REALLY be my own person.

Donna: But that's just it. You don't need a guy to tell you who you are. You need to

look deep within yourself to find the real Jackie.

Jackie: I know the real Jackie! She's cute, fun loving, perky, and hates every guy who

has ever cheated on her!

Donna: What?

Jackie: Did I mention that she's cute?

Donna: Well, that's not exactly what I, (pause) whatever. Man it's cold. (Looks up) Is...is it

sleeting?

(Camera pans out to see Red standing above them spraying them with ice chips from a

blender).

Red: Get off my damn porch!

(They leave. Red laughs to himself).

Red: Damn freeloaders.

(Off screen) Kitty: Red! Where's my Margarita?

Red: Oh, cripes.

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I:**

**Scene 1: Forman basement. Samantha is doing her laundry while wearing really, short**

**shorts. Kelso and Fez stare at her behind the couch. Hyde is in his room.**

Fez: (whispering to Kelso) Ooh, Kelso look. When she bends over you can actually see

her butt cheeks. (Pause) Her sweet, round, milky-white butt cheeks! (He moves closer

to try and grab them).

Kelso: (grabs Fez by the arms). Damn Fez! What are you doing? That's our friend's

wife. It's not like Hyde would do that to us.

Fez: Didn't he steal Jackie from you?

Kelso: Huh, good point. Game on! (He moves towards Samantha)

Fez: (grabs Kelso's arm) Wait, me first!

Kelso: Hey, until Hyde sleeps with Big Rhonda or breaks Caroline out of the mental

ward, you're stuck in Not-Gettn'-Any-Land.

Fez: Candy Land?

Kelso: Not for you pal. (Moves in on Samantha by the dryer) So, Samantha, it's a well-

known fact that once you dive into the Kelso love pool

Samantha: (cutting him off) You drown?

Kelso: No.

Samantha: You get stomach cramps?

Kelso: No. (getting frustrated)

Samantha: You get a girl pregnant and leave her in Chicago?

Kelso: No!

Fez: No, actually she's right.

Kelso: Hey! (To Fez) Which side are you on anyway?

Fez: Not yours you cruel bastard! I will get some! Oh yes, I will get some. Now, good

day.

Kelso: But Fez

Fez: I said good day!

(Kelso leaves)

Samantha: Wow. Hyde was right about him. He will hit on anything that moves! (Not

realizing what she just said)

Fez: Yes, it's very sad. Unlike me, who will only hit on hot blonde whores in short

shorts. Now, let's talk.

Hyde: (comes from his room) Fez, stop hitting on my stripper, girlfriend, girl, uh,

whatever! Just don't do it in front of me!

Samantha: Oh baby. You really do care for me! (She grabs the side of his cheek).

Hyde: (Uncomfortable) Uh, whatever. I'm out of here.

Samantha: Will you be home for dinner? I was planning on wearing that naughty stewardess outfit again to recapture the 1st time we met!

Hyde: Yeah, well I'm going to be out all night. I got this thing with this guy and then

we're going to do some stuff.

Samantha: (With a ditzy expression) Sounds like fun!

(Hyde just stares at her then leaves)

Fez: (To Samantha) Now, where were we. Uh yes. I believe you were going to serve

me my complimentary beverage. (Big smile) Plenty of ice please. (Winks at her)

(Samantha gives him a weird look then carries the laundry basket into Hyde's room).

Fez: Friendly skies my ass!

**Scene 2: Red's sweeping the garage. Bob comes from his house.**

Bob: Hey there! Hi there! Ho

Red: (cutting him off) Bob! Can't you greet a man like a REAL man?

Bob: What do you mean, Red?

Red: You know, like "Hey guy." Or, "What the hell are you doing here?" See?

Bob: Huh, ok but I think that my way has a lot more pizzazz! (Puts his hands wide open by his

face).

Red: (whispering to himself) That's the problem.

Bob: Anyway, I was wondering if you and Kitty could come over tonight. I have a

really big surprise and I wanted to share it with you both!

Red: Why would you think I would want to share anything with you?

Bob: Please Red? It would mean a lot to me. I might cry if you say no.

Red: Oh geez. Fine. But if you start singing, I'm out of there!

Bob: Thanks Red! Just come by the house around 7:30. Oh, and bring a camera.

Midgey took ours when she left. I think she thought it was a viewfinder from our trip to

Disney World.

Red: (rolls his eyes) Bye Bob. (Bob leaves)

Kitty: (comes out from the kitchen) What was that all about?

Red: Oh, Bob wants us to go over there tonight. He has some sort of surprise.

Unless, (getting excited) there's something else we need to do tonight? Is there?

Something?

Kitty: No. I think this sounds real exciting! Ooh, l wonder what the surprise is! I feel

like Sherlock Holmes trying to solve a case.

**Fade to fantasy sequence: The setting is an old mansion lit only by candlelight. Kitty is**

**dressed like Sherlock Holmes and is observing the bookcase in the corner with a**

**magnifying glass. Kelso is dressed up as Watson (Sherlock's assistant) and Fez is a hunched over and wearing**

**a robe.**

Kitty (Sherlock): Hmm. I wonder where the mystery lies. Maybe behind one of these

books?

Kelso (Watson): Or maybe, one of these books sets off a secret passageway.

Kitty (Sherlock): Good point Watson.

Fez (Hunchback): I'll grab one of the books for you master.

Kelso (offset to Fez): Fez? What are you doing? Who are you supposed to be?

Fez (offset to Kelso): I'm Igor. Dr. Frankenstein's loyal assistant. Duh!

Kelso (offset to Fez): But we're doing Sherlock not Frankenstein!

Fez (offset to Kelso): But I'm Igor!

Kelso (offset to Fez): But Fez,

Fez (offset to Kelso): I said Igor!

Kitty (to both): Oh will you two just can it already!

Kelso (Watson): Sorry sir. I mean ma'am. Igor, take one of the books.

Fez (Igor): (eerie sounding) Yes, master.

(He takes a book and the bookcase moves slightly to reveal an open passageway with

Bob standing their naked with a sponge and shower cap on).

Bob: Hey there folks!

Fez (Igor): Ai! Wrong book. (He puts the book back and closes the door).

Kitty (Sherlock): Oh you two are the worst helpers I have ever seen!

Kelso (Watson): (yelling) Hey! There's no need to be mean! I solve all of your

mysteries for you anyway!

Kitty (Sherlock): Oh yeah? Then how is that I can see the killer right now behind you

and he's ready to attack you! (A butler appears behind Kelso with a knife).

Kelso (Watson): Whatever. There's no way I'm going to turn around because I know

you're just messing with me.

Fez (Igor): (notices the butler) Uh, Watson? You might want to turn around.

Kelso (Watson): (ignoring Fez) Besides, I'm too good looking to kill. I mean, who's

going to populate the world with beautiful people when I'm gone!

(Just then, the Butler moves in to attack. Fez jumps in to help. All we see are shadows

and a struggle. Camera pans out to Kitty).

Kitty (Sherlock): It's elementary my dear Watson.

**Fantasy ends. Kitty and Red are still in the driveway. Red looks bored.**

Red: That's the dumbest thing I ever...(sees Kitty getting upset) I mean, good story

honey.

Kitty: Thank you. (Turns to leave then faces Red again). By the way, have you seen my

glasses? I've been looking all over for them.

Red: (rolling his eyes as he sees them on her head) No I haven't. But being that you're

Sherlock, I know you will find them soon! (Smiles at her while she leaves then shakes

his head).

**Act II:**

**Scene 3: Grooves Record Store. The place has a couple of customers and Leo is behind**

**the register. Hyde walks in.**

Leo: Hey man. Thank God you're here. We have a slight problem.

Hyde: Man Leo, what is it? I'm not in a good mood.

Leo: Well, the money holder thingy isn't spitting out the paper thingy with the purple

writing all over it anymore.

Hyde: (looking confused) What?

Leo: You know man. The money holder thingy.

Hyde: You mean the cash register?

Leo: Whoa! It's like you can read my mind, man.

Hyde: -sigh- Let me go check it out.

Leo: Good idea man.

Hyde: (observing the cash register) Leo man, where is the roll of paper that the receipts

are printed on?

Leo: Didn't I already tell you? It's not working man. Geez, you need to listen more. A

good boss would listen to his employees. I used to listen to you at the Fotohut man. I

can't remember anything you said but I listened.

Hyde: No Leo. It's gone. Where did this entire roll of paper go?

(Just then, the back room door opens and a cloud of smoke comes out. A gangly looking

hippie walks out).

Hippie: Hey man. Got anything to eat in here?

Hyde: (looking angry) Leo, I thought I told you no parties back there. That's where I go

to party!

Leo: Hey I didn't even know he was here, man. I was more concerned with the money

holder thing

Hyde: (cutting him off) Cash register! It's a cash register!

Leo: Hey man. You seem stressed. You know what I like to do when I'm stressed?

**Cut to: Circle in the back room. Cloud of smoke lingers around them. Hyde, Leo and**

**the Hippie.**

Hyde: You know Leo, you were right. I do feel better. Thanks man.

Leo: No problem. I've always enjoyed this when I'm stressed. But make sure you do it

in moderation, man. You don't want to end up like this guy. (Points to the hippie sitting

next to him).

Hippie: He's right. I used to be a straight A student. But now, I just live in my parents'

basement. Sad huh?

Hyde: Yeah well, I'm moving out of the basement I'm in.

Leo: Really man? Well that's cool. You're like (pause) like (pause) uh, that's cool man.

Hippie: Hey Leo, where do you keep your Cheez Doodles?

Leo: (To hippie) In the cabinet above my sink. (To Hyde) So listen man, why don't you

come live with me? I got room in my apartment for you and your wife.

Hippie: Dude, you're married?

Hyde: No! Well, sort of. Thanks for the offer man but I got to get out on my own.

Leo: Suit yourself man. Hey, can just your wife live with me instead?

(Camera pans around to see Hyde looking strangely at Leo. Then, camera pans to show

the Hippie eating a bag of Cheez Doodles).

Leo: Whoa man! How did you get into my apartment?

**Scene 4:**

**(The Pinciotti kitchen. Donna and Jackie are sitting at the table drinking cokes while Bob**

**is running around trying to make sure everything is perfect for the evening).**

Jackie: So, what do you think the surprise is going to be?

Donna: Not sure. I thought it might have been that dancing monkey that was at my 16th

birthday party. But then I realized, my Dad had a falling out with him over a banana

crème pie.

Jackie: Maybe it's Eric.

Donna: Don't be silly Jackie. Eric and I are over and believe me, my Dad was ok with

that.

Jackie: Oh big deal. So he's in Africa? So he left you at the altar? At least you got to go through the

motions of planning a wedding. At this rate, I'll never get married!

Donna: Jackie, you're only 18! Besides, marriage isn't everything. God, I miss Eric.

Jackie: I know. After all of that pleading with you, you still wanted to stay with Eric.

And for the record, Ew! But, I knew he must have been the real deal. I know in my heart

that you guys will get back together one day.

Donna: Wow, Jackie. Are you actually being sincere?

Jackie: Yeah, I guess. That always happens to me when I'm at a low point in my life.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and start insulting you again.

Donna: (sarcastically) One can only hope.

Bob: (Comes into the kitchen rambling) How does this tie look? Does it look ok? Does

this shirt match? How are my shoes? Are they ok?

Donna: Dad! What's wrong with you?

(Doorbell rings)

Bob: Oh my God. The surprise is here!

(They all walk into the living room. Bob opens the door to reveal Red & Kitty. Kitty is

holding a casserole dish).

Red: Bob, for heaven's sake! Let us in. There's some crazy nut job out there that just

groped Kitty!

Kitty: Actually, it wasn't all that bad. He did have very strong hands! (Kitty's signature laugh)

Red: Kitty! Snap out of it.

Bob: Oh my God. That must be him!

Donna: Who?

Bob: My brother. Your Uncle Carmine from Hoboken!

Carmine: (at the door) Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! (In thick NY accent)

Red: Oh geez!

**Fade out.**

**Tag:** _Kelso and Fez are still in the old mansion dressed as Watson & Igor. They're both_

_eating ice pops._

_Kelso (Watson): Thanks for beating up (pause) I mean, helping me beat up that butler Igor._

_Fez (Igor): Anything for you master._

_Kelso (Watson): Hey, how do we get out of here?_

_Fez (Igor): Well, we could try the secret passageway again. This time, I'll make sure it's_

_Bob free._

_Kelso (Watson): Good! No need to see that again!_

_(Fez moves the book and the passageway opens up again and it's empty)._

_Kelso (Watson): Great! Let's go._

_(As they start to walk towards the passageway, Leo jumps out and scares them into a_

_panic and they drop their ice pops and run the other way!)_

_Leo: Nobody's going to steal my Cheez Doodles this time! (He grabs some out of his bag and eats them)._

**Fade out.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Intro: Donna, Jackie, Kitty, Red, Bob, and Uncle Carmine are all in the Pinciotti's living room. Uncle Carmine has the same physique as Bob, although his hair is straighter and he's dressed in a sharkskin suit. **

Donna: Oh my God! Uncle Carmine? It's so great to see you! (Hugs him). How long has it been?

Carmine: Well, 5 to 7 to be exact.

(Red and Kitty look at each other)

Bob: I knew they didn't have enough evidence! Suckers!

Jackie: Wow! (Touching his lapel) I thought my Dad was the only man who dressed expensive in this town!

Red: (Pulls Bob aside) Bob? Are you telling me that your brother is, you know, "connected?"

Bob: Oh no Red. It's not like that at all.

(Red looks relieved)

Bob: He was just part of the Gambino crime family, from Brooklyn.

Red: What!

Carmine: (Overhearing) Yes, but that's all behind me now. I've come here to start my life all over again. And what better place to do that than Middle America, Wisconsin? By the way, how's your Chinese food out here?

Kitty: Oh, who needs Chinese food when you have my homemade twice-baked potato casserole? Yum! (Holds up the casserole dish)

Carmine: Oh, you're sweet. Seriously though (pause)

Bob: Don't worry, Sticky. There's a great rib place just around the corner from here.

Red: Sticky?

Carmine: (Laughing) Oh yeah. Little nickname I got in the joint. When guys were stealing my cigarettes, I would take them and stick them in places, (pause) well, I can't really say in front of your wife. I am a gentleman after all.

Bob: Sticky, you ol' bastard. Now let's go get you unpacked!

(Bob & Carmine leave)

Red: Kitty? What the hell is going on? I don't want to live next store to that, that degenerate!

Kitty: Well, at least he dresses nice. I'm sure he really just wants to make amends.

Carmine: (pokes his head out from the kitchen and addresses Kitty) Hey sweetness? You mind stepping away from that window there? You can never be too careful! (He smiles big and goes back into the kitchen)

(Everyone in the room looks scared)

Kitty: Oh my God! We're living next to Al Capone!

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Forman basement. Hyde, Sam, Fez & Kelso are watching TV. Sam & Fez are on the couch and Hyde and Kelso are in their usual chairs.**

Kelso: Man. Look at the way Daisy Duke just kicked that guy. She's so hot! I bet she hooks up with Bo in the next episode.

Hyde: Kelso, they're cousins. Didn't you notice that they have the same last name?

Fez: Well, does that really matter in Hazzard County, Georgia? I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if Uncle Jesse was doing it with her too!

Kelso: Ew, no way man! Daisy would never have sex with him!

Fez: Even that ol' fat bastard is getting some.

Hyde: Whoa, look closely! She's bending over.

(They all move closer to the TV)

Hyde, Kelso & Fez: Wow! Yikes! Oh, momma!

Fez: Damn It! I really hate that Uncle Jesse!

Kelso: Dude, come down. Here, have an M&M.

Fez: Thank you Kelso. (Eats it then spits it out) Yuck! That wasn't an M&M.

Kelso: (Laughing) I know. I found it on the floor. BURN!

Fez: You bastard!

(They begin to wrestle. Donna & Jackie walk in)

Donna: Hey guys. What's this? (Pointing to Kelso & Fez)

Sam: I think that one of them wants to do it with Daisy Duke, and the other likes eating things off of the floor.

Donna: (Looking at Hyde for a beat) Ooo-kay.

(Hyde just shrugs)

Kelso: Ow, my eye!

(Fez and Kelso stop wrestling)

Jackie: So Sam, nice outfit. The slut store have a sale or something?

Sam: No. (Oblivious) And I think it's called Amy's Fashions in case you were wondering.

(Jackie looks over at Hyde and laughs at her dumbness)

Hyde: So Donna. I hear your Uncle is kind of a badass. When do I get to meet him?

Donna: Well, he's looking around for apartments in Madison with my Dad. I can't believe he's going to be living out here.

Kelso: Yeah, it's so cool. Maybe I should wear my old cop uniform and try to intimidate him.

Hyde: Kelso, you couldn't intimidate a dog. But, you could imitate one.

Kelso: Yeah, I'm really good at that.

Jackie: Donna, this brings us so much closer now. My Dad went to jail; your Uncle went to jail. It's like we're related!

Donna: (sarcastically) Wow, it's like the perfect little psycho family. Yippee!

Fez: You know in my country when someone goes to jail, they're never allowed to leave.

Donna: Really? That's awful.

Fez: Actually, it's not that bad. At least you can have frequent conjugal visits. I'm free as a bird and I don't have any conjugal visits. Son of a bitch!

Kelso: Buddy, come down. Here, have a lollipop.

Fez: Thank you Kelso. (Takes a lick then spits it out). Ew! This lollipop takes like crap.

Kelso: That's because I found it under the couch seat cushions. Burn!

Fez: You bastard!

(They begin wrestling again).

**Scene 2: Red & Kitty are sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee. Red looks nervous.**

Red: (Intently reading the paper and muttering to himself) Mmm. Nope, that happened a couple of months ago in Kenosha. Mmm.

Kitty: Red? What are you doing?

Red: I'm looking through the paper to see if there have been any homicides along Sticky's travels here.

Kitty: Well, don't you think that maybe you're overreacting just a little?

Red: Are you insane? Do you realize what goes on in these crime families? It's (pause) it's (pause) horrifying!

**Fantasy Sequence: Carmine is dressed in a tuxedo and sitting behind a desk like Marlon Brando in the Godfather. Kelso and Fez, with slick-backed hair, are standing by the door to his office as bodyguards.**

Hyde enters looking like a mobster and holding a baseball bat.

Carmine (Godfather): Hey Bruno? Did you take care of that "little problem?"

Hyde (Bruno): Yes, Godfather. Those girl scouts will think twice before they try selling cookies here again.

Carmine (Godfather): Good.

Kelso (Tony): Hey! I was looking forward to some Thin Mints. Plus the little blonde one was cute.

Fez (Nicky): She was a looker. However, I preferred the taller brunette chick. You know, the one pushing the shortbreads that no one ever buys?

Carmine (Godfather): Silence you morons!

(There's a knock at the door. Kelso & Fez open it to reveal Red).

Red: Mr. Godfather sir? Can I speak with you a minute?

Carmine (Godfather): Yes, come in. Bruno, take Tony & Nicky out back and show them how you use that bat. Feel free to use them as dummies.

Hyde (Bruno): Sure thing. Let's go idiots.

Kelso (Tony) & Fez (Nicky): But wait/No!

Carmine (Godfather): Now, what's on your mind.

Red: Well, I heard that you bought The Hub and you're turning into a nightclub.

Carmine (Godfather): Yes. I've already signed up Frank Sinatra as a regular performer.

Red: Well, that place may be a little shabby but it's a good place for our kids to go after school. You know, so they won't be at my house acting like a bunch of dumbasses!

Carmine (Godfather): Hmm, I see your point.

Red: So, you'll keep The Hub the same?

Carmine (Godfather): What, and lose that revenue? You're even dumber than I thought. The fact that you even had the audacity to come down here and suggest this to me makes me so mad!

Red: But Godfather, I was only trying to

Carmine (Godfather): (interrupts) Bruno! Get in here and bring that bat!

Red: (Puts his hands up by his face) No Godfather! No!

**Fantasy Sequence ends.**

Kitty: Oh Red. I think you're worrying for nothing.

Red: Well, it's a good thing Eric is a pansyass, because I'd have to lock up all of his baseball bats.

Kitty: (worried) Wasn't Donna on the softball team?

Red: Good point. Cover me! I'm going to Bob's garage!

(Kitty watches as Red bolts out the sliding glass door).

**Act II:**

**Scene 3: Pinciotti Kitchen. Hyde and Donna are sitting on the counter eating sandwiches. Bob & Carmine walk in with shopping bags and laughing together. Bob and Carmine are dressed in matching suits with their hair slicked back.**

Bob: Hey Donna. What do you think? How does your dear ol' Dad look? (Spins around)

Donna: (shocked) Like you just came back from the Pasta House after bumping some guy off!

Carmine: See? I told you she would like it. Now let's go call those sweet mamas we just met.

Bob: Yeah, you gotta love those mamas.

(They exit)

Donna: What the hell? My Dad's acting like a complete moron!

Hyde: And that's different how?

Donna: This isn't funny, Hyde. I mean, it's like he's completely lost his mind!

Hyde: Once again, how is that (pause)

Donna: (getting upset) Oh, never mind.

Hyde: I'm sorry, man. I'm just kidding.

Donna: I know. It's just (pause) I don't want my Dad ending up like my Uncle Carmine. I mean sure, he was a cool Uncle and fun when he was around. But, underneath it all, we knew the type of man he was. I just don't want my Dad to be sucked into that lifestyle, you know?

Hyde: Donna look, take it from someone who knows. You don't just wake up one day and say to yourself, "Hey, going to jail is kind of cool." You're actually born with that instinct. It's something I'm quite proud of, I might add.

Donna: (sarcastically) Interesting point.

Hyde: Look, your father knows that Carmine was into some bad crap. He's only spending time with his brother.

Donna: You know, maybe you're right Hyde. I mean, my Dad isn't stupid enough to get himself into trouble.

**Cut to: Jail. Carmine and Bob are in a small jail cell. Bob is crying and Carmine is trying to comfort him.**

Bob: I can't believe those girls were hookers.

Carmine: Yeah, I should have figured as much. Bambi did ask for her cut upfront.

Bob: This is awful! What am I going to tell Donna?

Carmine: Tell her you shot somebody. That's gotta be better than the truth!

(Bob looks at Carmine in disgust).

Carmine: What?

(Carmine just shrugs his shoulders and pats Bob on the back).

Fade out.

**Scene 4: Forman Kitchen. Kitty is baking cookies and Red and Sam are sitting at the kitchen table. Red's reading the paper and Sam is drinking a Coke. The phone rings.**

Kitty: (picking up the phone) Hello? Oh, hi Bob. You're what? You're where? Oh my God! How could you do that! (Starts yelling loudly)

Bob: (Holding the phone away from his ear and looking over at Carmine). Kitty, please come down.

Carmine: Man, you'd think she was your mother or something. (Yelling towards the phone) We didn't actually sleep with them!

Bob: (covering the phone) Would you keep quiet!

Carmine: What?

Kitty: All right. Red's on his way. (She hangs up)

Red: Kitty. What did you sign me up to do? I'm in no mood to hang out with Bob and his crazy (pause)

Kitty: (interrupting him) He's in jail with his brother, Red!

Red: Oh my God! Who did they kill? I told you he was bad news!

Kitty: Nobody! They were arrested for soliciting hookers!

Red: Oh Holy Hell! (Covering Sam's ears) That's no news that should be told in front of a teenager!

Sam: Actually, I know all about hookers! I am from Vegas after all. In fact, my very good friend Sandy (pause)

Red: Oh Holy Hell! (He exits to go pick up Bob)

Kitty: (addressing Sam) You know sweetie, in the future, when Red says "Oh Holy Hell," just keep your mouth shut.

**Fade out.**

**Tag:** _Kelso and Fez are watching TV. Fez picks up something off the floor._

_Fez: Here Kelso. I bought this candy bar for you._

_Kelso: Fez, that's a piece of string._

_Fez: Oh._

_Kelso: Man, just admit it. I am the king of Burns! You will never beat me!_

_Fez: Yes, you are right. I don't know what I was thinking. (Picking up another piece of string off the floor) Here. A peace offering._

_Kelso: (takes it) Thanks Buddy. (Puts it in his mouth and starts chewing on it. Then, spits it out) You're a dead man!_

_(He chases after Fez who leaves the basement screaming, "Long live the new king!")_

**Fade out.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Intro: Forman kitchen. Kitty and Donna are standing behind the counter. Red walks through the sliding glass door with Carmine & Bob.**

Donna: (hugs Bob) Oh Dad! Are you OK?

Bob: Yeah. A little ashamed, but I'll live.

Carmine: What are you ashamed of? Those chicks were really into us!

Donna: (addressing Carmine) I can't believe you! It's bad enough that you went to jail for all of that crap you did in the past, but it's another to get my father mixed up into it!

Bob: Donna (pause)

Donna: (interrupting him) Butt out, Dad! No, you know what? Uncle Carmine? I think it's best if you left. Nobody appreciates your presence around here anyway.

Bob: (angry) Donna! You take that back right now!

Donna: No Dad. I'm sorry. He needs to go.

(Donna runs out through the sliding door to her house)

(Long silence)

Kitty: So, who wants some chocolate chip cookies?

Red: I know I do!

Bob: (ignoring Red & Kitty) I'm sorry about that Carmine. I don't know what's gotten into Donna.

Carmine: You know Bob, maybe she's right. Maybe it's better if I just go.

Bob: What?

Kitty: You know, some nice cold milk would be great with those cookies.

Red: Yum!

(Carmine leaves and heads next store. Bob looks dejected)

Kitty: Oh Bob, I'm so sorry.

Bob: I think I'll take those cookies now Kitty. (starts sobbing)

Red: Oh crap. Why must he always cry in my house!

Opening credits start.

**Act I:**

**Scene 1: Water Tower. Donna is sitting up there with Jackie. Donna's head is resting on the bar while Jackie is rambling on about her hair.**

Jackie: So, when I left the salon, I told the stylist, "My hair even looks great when it's up!" She couldn't believe it! And then I told her, "You can take pictures of me for your catalogue if you want." But, then I said that she would have to pay me a lot first. (long pause) Donna?

Donna: (off in a daze) Yeah?

Jackie: This is usually the part of the story where you tell me to shut up and then I say, "You're just jealous."

Donna: Huh? Oh sorry. I guess my mind is somewhere else right now.

Jackie: Still thinking of your Dad and Uncle huh?

Donna: Yeah. I mean, when did I become the parent and my Dad become the dumbass?

Jackie: Well, in all fairness, you're Dad never seemed that smart to me.

Donna: He should know better than to listen to my Uncle. Even when I was little, my Dad would do anything for Uncle Carmine. And how does he repay my Dad? By getting him arrested!

Jackie: But at least your Dad didn't go down the same path as your Uncle. He was lucky to have you there helping him. Nobody wants to be a parent to their parents. But sometimes, we just know best. I know I always know what's best.

Donna: Thanks Jackie for understanding.

Jackie: No problem. Like even now, I know that those pants you are wearing totally clash with that sweater.

Donna: I get it Jackie.

Jackie: And those shoes are so hideous that they just won't go with anything!

Donna: (yelling) Alright, I get it!

(They both smile at each other)

Donna: (hugs Jackie) Thanks. You're a good friend.

Jackie: OK, so let's go to the mall and buy me something pretty!

(Donna rolls her eyes and they both start heading down the ladder).

**Scene 2: Forman Basement. Samantha is on the couch painting her nails and Hyde comes out from his room.**

Sam: Oh hey sweetie. Could you get me my Cosmo magazine off the table?

Hyde: Excuse me?

Sam: That Cosmo there. (pointing) Could you grab it for me?

Hyde: What am I, your slave?

Sam: Uh, no. I just thought you could reach it for me since my nails are wet.

Hyde: You must be joking.

Sam: I don't think I am? (looking up to the ceiling with a ditzy expression) Am I?

Hyde: Oh lord. I gotta get out of here.

Sam: Hyde? Where are you going?

Hyde: Somewhere else.

(Sam looks confused as she watches him leave).

Grooves Record store: The guys are sitting in the circle with Leo.

Hyde: Man, I can't stand this whole marriage thing. It's really starting to get to me, you know?

Kelso: Yeah, you don't seem the same man. (Gets goofy look on his face) I know what might help! If I did it with your wife! Yeah, that would make you feel better!

Fez: Actually, I think Hyde would prefer if Sam did it with me. Let's face it, we all know I'm not good in the bedroom anyway so it wouldn't really matter. It would be like it never happened. (pause) But, it actually did happen. (Gets a big grin on his face).

Leo: You know, marriage is complicated man. Look at me for example. My wife drives me so insane that I don't even go home anymore, man. Well, it's also because I don't remember where I live. (pause) Do you guys remember where I live?

Hyde: It's not that. It's just I never pictured myself married, you know? I mean, maybe I did once. But that doesn't count. I was really drunk.

Leo: You mean loud girl right?

Fez: No, he means Jackie you crazy hippie. (pause) (confused look) That is who you meant, right?

Kelso: Hyde, you know what might make you feel better? If I did it with Jackie!

(Hyde punches Kelso in the arm)

Kelso: (laughing) Ow, man. I'm just trying to help.

Hyde: Alright, you guys are boring me now. I think I'm going to go get something to eat. Later. (He leaves)

Fez: Poor Hyde. He's in love with Jackie but married to a whore.

Kelso: He's married to your Mom?

(Fez punches him in the other arm).

Kelso: Ow, man! What's with all of the hitting?

Leo: Man, you guys are a violent bunch. Seriously though, do you guys remember where I live?

**Act II:**

**Scene 3: Pinciotti house. Carmine is in the spare bedroom packing his suitcase. Donna knocks on the door and comes in.**

Donna: Uncle Carmine?

Carmine: Yes Donna. Come in. Come in. Here, sit down. (Moves some clothes off of the bed).

Donna: No, that's ok. Listen, I want to apologize for how I spoke to you earlier. I didn't mean what I said.

Carmine: Yes you did. But, that's ok. I completely understand.

Donna: You do?

Carmine: Yes. Look, I know I'm not the best brother to your Dad. He was always there for me when I needed him. And I needed him a lot. I guess I always took that for granted, you know?

Donna: Yeah.

Carmine: All my life I have been jealous of Bob.

Donna: Really?

Carmine: Sure? When we were kids, he would serenade all of the girls and tell the funniest jokes. (Shaking his head and laughing)

Donna: My dad?

Carmine: Oh yeah. He had a real way with the ladies.

Donna: Bob Pinciotti?

Carmine: Yeah. Look the point is, he was always the good guy. He had a great life and job. And most importantly, he had you. You know, my son won't even speak to me anymore?

Donna: Cousin Tommy?

Carmine: Yeah. He just kind of gave up on me. It's just as well. His mother has always done right by him.

Donna: Uncle Carmine, I had no idea.

Carmine: I know. It's OK. I've learned to accept it. So don't be so hard on your Dad. He's just being the good guy he has always been.

Donna: You're right. Thanks Uncle Carmine.

(They hug).

Carmine: Oh, you're going to make me cry.

(They both start crying. Bob walks in).

Bob: Oh geez.

Donna: Dad, I'm so sorry.

Bob: Oh geez. (They all hug and begin crying).

(Red walks in).

Red: (not seeing them at first) Hey Bob. I just wanted to come by and see if you were (seeing them all crying). Oh crap! Why are you Italians always crying!

**Scene 4: Forman Driveway. Carmine, Bob, Kitty & Red are saying goodbye to Carmine. He's holding a suitcase.**

Carmine: Well thanks for letting me stay here Bob.

Bob: Oh geez. (Looks like he's going to cry)

Red: No crying Bob. You've been warned.

Kitty: Well, here. I made you some sandwiches for the road. (Hands him a brown bag)

Carmine: Thanks. You're a real sweet lady. Not used to that. My wife was more like "Get the hell out of here you stupidass!"

(He starts laughing along with Red).

Red: I like her already.

Donna: So, where are you going to go?

Carmine: Well, I'm going to stay at a hotel in Madison until I find an apartment. I'll call you guys once I get settled.

Bob: I'm going to miss you Sticky.

Carmine: I'll miss you too Bob. See you all!

Everyone: Bye!

Bob: Man, I miss him already.

Red: He hasn't even opened his car door yet, Bob.

Bob: It still hurts Red.

Kitty: Well, I just hope I made him enough sandwiches. He's not a small man you know.

(Kelso runs up to everyone in his cop uniform).

Kelso: Hey, where's you Uncle going? I was going to use my flare gun on him.

Donna: Kelso! Put that away before somebody gets hurt.

Kelso: Relax Donna, it's not even loaded.

(He points it up to the sky and a flare shoots out. Everyone runs for cover).

Kelso: AHHHHHHHHHHH! Run!

**Fade out.**

**Tag:** _Kelso is putting out a fire on Red's lawn with a fire extinguisher. Red's pointing the flare gun at him._

_Kelso: Uh, do you mind not pointing that at me? I think it's loaded._

_Red: I know. That's WHY I'm pointing it at you._

_Kelso: I think the fire is out Red._

_Red: Good, now you can start sweeping out the garage. Then you can wash my car, and then paint the fence._

_Kelso: Oh man. I wish I would have injured myself with that thing so I couldn't do all of this manual labor._

_Red: So do I! (Moves closer to him with the gun. Kelso picks up a broom and starts sweeping the garage)._

**Fade out.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Intro: Forman basement. Kelso and Fez are playing "Don't Break The Ice."**

Kelso: Now remember Fez. If you break the ice, the other player gets to hit you over the head with their hammer until the other player starts crying.

Fez: Are you sure that's how it goes?

Kelso: Of course. Now, let's play again. I'll start.

(Kelso whacks the ice and the entire thing caves in).

Kelso: (shocked) Wait, no! That's not supposed to happen!

Fez: Hmm. I guess I get to whack you now. (Holding up his hammer with a big smile on his face)

Kelso: Wait Fez. I was just kidding. It just means I lost.

Fez: Well, what about the other times when I broke the ice and you whacked me! You son of a bitch!

Kelso: Fez look, I can explain (pause)

(Before Fez has a chance to whack Kelso, Hyde and Sam come out of Hyde's room yelling at each other).

Sam: What the hell is the matter with you anyway?

Hyde: Me? You're the one acting like a complete psycho.

Sam: All I said was, "Let's go out to dinner sometime."

Hyde: Yeah, to which I answered, "No way in hell!"

Sam: God! It's like you're ashamed to be seen with me.

(She shifts her boobs around inside of her bra)

Fez: (offset to Kelso) Oh my God! That was so hot.

Kelso: (offset to Fez) I know.

Hyde: Look, it's not that. It's just, you want to be this happy-go-lucky married couple and I just don't.

Sam: Why not?

Hyde: Why not? We don't know a damn thing about each other! It's like, I woke up one day married and now I have to do stuff for you?

Kelso: (offset to Fez) And to you (Kelso and Fez start laughing to each other)

Hyde: Look, I think (pause) (looks over at Kelso & Fez) will you two morons get out of here?

Kelso: What? Why can't we stay?

Hyde: Because you're pissing me off!

Fez: Yeah but we always do that.

Hyde: Get out!

(Kelso & Fez reluctantly get up to leave)

Kelso: (offset to Fez) Hey, I know. Let's play Operation only this time, we will use ourselves as patients.

Fez: Hmm, sounds interesting. Let's go.

(They leave)

Hyde: Sam look, I like you and all. It's just, this isn't my style. I'm sorry but I think we should just call it quits.

Sam: Does this have anything to do with that Jackie girl who constantly calls me a slut?

Hyde: No, I'm just not into the whole marrying thing. I'm sorry, but we should get a divorce.

Sam: Well, I was going to wait to tell you this but we were never really married.

Hyde: What?

Sam: It turns out that the Elvis impersonator was about 2 classes shy of becoming a full-fledged minister. So, I'll make this very easy for you. I'm leaving. (She walks back into Hyde's room)

(Fez bursts through the basement door with his shirt off)

Fez: Help! Kelso is trying to carve me open! (He runs upstairs with Kelso not far behind him carrying a knife).

Kelso: This would be a lot easier if you wouldn't fight me!

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: DMV- Red is there to renew his license.**

Red: Hi. I'm here to renew my driver's license and because none of you dumbasses will just let me simply fill out a form and send it in the mail, I'm here. Now let's get this over with, shall we?

Mitch: I'm sorry sir, but that type of language just won't be tolerated.

Red: What? You must be joking.

Mitch: Actually sir, I'm not. As you can clearly see from the sign behind me, I'm allowed to refuse service to anyone. (He points to a sign behind him that reads "Employees can choose to refuse service to anyone.")

Red: Listen, smart mouth. I've been waiting in this line for about an hour now. The woman behind me smells like moldy cheese, and that guy over there keeps picking his nose and staring at me funny. So, if you don't shut that hole in your face and renew my license, I'm going to have to climb over this counter and shove my foot in your ass! Do we understand each other?

Mitch: (obviously nervous) Well, I

Red: (interrupting him) Here I come!

Mitch: (scared) No! Ah! I'll take care of it! Just sit tight! (He heads off to a back room)

Red: What an idiot.

**Scene 2: Donna's room. Donna is sitting at her vanity table and Jackie is braiding Donna's hair.**

Jackie: You know Donna, you got to dye your hair again soon. I can see the red roots creeping in and that's just not good.

Donna: Really? Actually, I was kind of thinking of going back to being a redhead.

Jackie: (gasps in horror) What? Why would you ruin this for me? You're going to make me be friends with a redhead again? Have you no shame?

Donna: (sarcastically) You're right? How could I have been so selfish?

Jackie: Exactly!

Donna: Anyway, so did you hear about Hyde and Sam?

Jackie: (pulls on Donna's hair really tight) No, why?

Donna: Ow! Jackie!

Jackie: Oh, sorry. (She lets go of Donna's hair and sits on her bed reading a magazine)

Donna: She's leaving. I guess they both realized that this marriage thing wasn't going to work.

Jackie: Well duh! I mean, he's hopeless. He will never willingly get married! I made the mistake of believing that he would someday but not anymore. After the way he treated me and then marrying that dumb slut; there is no way I would ever get back together with him.

Donna: Yeah, right.

Jackie: What's that supposed to mean?

Donna: It means that you are so predictable. Look at you and Kelso; you thought you could change him even after you tried and failed so many times.

Jackie: Yeah but in my defense, I thought Michael could easily be trained like a dog.

Donna: Huh, actually I could see why you thought that.

Jackie: But Donna I'm serious. Steven hurt me so badly that I just could never go through that again, you know?

Donna: I understand. It's like how Eric

Jackie: (interrupting) Oh please! Eric never did anything even close to what Steven did to me!

Donna: What about leave me at the altar?

Jackie: Oh yeah. That was horrible.

Donna: Thanks.

Jackie: I mean, that was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a girl.

Donna: Thanks Jackie, I get it.

Jackie: How do you go on living?

Donna: Jackie!

Jackie: Oh, sorry.

(Fez bursts in)

Fez: Hide me! Kelso is after me!

(He runs into Donna's closet)

(Kelso runs in still holding the knife)

Kelso: Have you guys seen Fez?

Donna: I think he went that way. (Pointing the opposite way down the hall)

Kelso: Thanks. (Yelling as he runs down the hall) Fez, it will only hurt for like a second!

**Act II:**

**Scene 3: DMV- Red is still standing at the counter waiting for Mitch to come back. Kitty runs in and comes up to Red.**

Kitty: What is taking so long? It's freezing out there!

Red: Oh nothing. It's just a bunch of dumbasses working here, that's all. (Getting fired up) You know, I don't even know why I put my neck on the line for this country if the people in it are going to continue to be a bunch of morons. I could have died in Korea and how do they repay me for my patriotism? By making me wait, in this awful place, to get my license renewed! It's absolutely

Mitch: (interrupting him) Here you go sir. Sorry for the wait. (Hands Red his license) No need for a new picture. We just used the old one.

Red: Oh (pause)

Mitch: Oh, and because you remained so patient with me, please accept this as a token of our appreciation.

Kitty: (taking the envelope that Mitch hands Red) Oh my God! It's a gift certificate for dinner at The Vineyard!

Mitch: We hope you enjoy it.

Kitty: Oh, we will! Red, let's go.

Red: In a minute, sweetheart.

(Kitty leaves)

Red: OK, what's the catch?

Mitch: No catch, sir. We want to make sure everyone's experience at the DMV is enjoyable.

Red: Cut the crap! What's going on? (Grabs Mitch by his collar)

Mitch: (nervous) Actually, the guy who keeps picking his nose told me to give this to you or he'd kill me! I think he was hoping you would take him on a date.

Red: Oh my God! (Goes to the door and yells out to Kitty) Kitty! Start the car! Now!

**Scene 4: Grooves Record store: Leo is behind the cash register talking to a customer.**

Leo: (finishing telling a story) So you see man, that's how I ended up in Wisconsin.

Customer: (shocked) Whoa. All I wanted to know was if this Hendrix album was on sale.

Leo: Hey, I don't know man. Does it look like I work here or something?

(The customer rolls his eyes and leaves)

(Hyde comes up behind him from the back room)

Hyde: Hey Leo, did you see my lighter?

Leo: Nope. But I did notice that it's close to my naptime.

Hyde: Leo, it's 11:30 in the morning.

Leo: Whoa! I'm like 10 minutes late, man! There's this hot girl in my dreams and if I'm late she starts without me! I gotta go!

(He heads for the couch, kicks some customers off and lays down)

(Sam walks in carrying two suitcases)

Sam: Well, I guess I'm all packed.

Hyde: Hey, I'm really sorry about this.

Sam: I know. Well, if you're ever in Vegas again, call me.

Hyde: I will.

(They hug)

Sam: Well, I gotta go. My bus is leaving soon.

Hyde: See ya.

(Sam heads for the door. As she opens it, she looks back over at Hyde)

Sam: Hey Hyde?

Hyde: Yeah?

Sam: I hope she's worth it.

(Hyde just stands there with a blank stare)

**Tag: Forman basement. Jackie, Fez, Hyde, Donna are sitting watching TV. Leo is asleep on the couch. Kelso barges in.**

_Fez: Ai! (Jumps up form the couch)_

_Kelso: Fez, I put the knife away. I promise, I won't try to use you it on you anymore._

_Fez: I don't believe you, you sick bastard!_

_Kelso: It's true! I thought I would use this ice pick instead._

_Fez: Ai! Help me! (He runs out the door)_

_Kelso: Fez, wait up! (He runs out the door behind Fez and slams it behind him which wakes Leo up)_

_Leo: What? Oh man. I was just getting to the good part! (He tries to go back to sleep. He mutters to himself, "No baby. Don't put your clothes back on.")_

**Fade out.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Intro: Forman basement. The gang is hanging out, bored. Jackie, Fez and Donna are sitting on the couch. Hyde is in his usual chair. Everyone's watching TV.**

(CHiP's Theme Song Plays)

Kelso: (coming down the stairs holding a bottle of soda) Oh cool, CHiP's. Man, Jon is so cool.

Fez: What? Are you kidding? It's obvious that Ponch is the cool one. Whores are powerless to his charm.

Kelso: What? No way! (He goes to sit down on the lawn chair)

Jackie: I have to agree with Michael on this one. Jon is way hotter. Ponch is just too, (pause) foreign.

Hyde: Gee, that's a shocker.

Jackie: What's your problem?

Hyde: Nothing. It's just nice to see that the shallowness is still heavily embedded into your brain.

Jackie: What's that supposed to mean?

Fez: It means that sometimes you can be a heartless bitch.

Jackie: What?

Donna: Hey! Watch what you say about my friend!

Kelso: Oh, now she's your friend, huh? When I was going out with her, you hated Jackie! How convenient!

Jackie: What? No she didn't! I hated her!

Hyde: Hey, everyone hated you. In fact, I was top on the list!

Jackie: What?

(Everyone starts yelling in unison at each other. Red comes down the stairs).

Red: (over everyone's yelling) Hey, hey! (Everyone is still yelling) Shut up you bastards!

(Everyone turns to look at Red except for Kelso who is still yelling)

Kelso: and then I said, "The cheese guy? How could you hook up with the cheese guy?" (Realizing that it's silent. He looks around at everyone else) Oh, sorry.

Red: You kids have been doing absolutely nothing lately but sitting in my basement and making noise. Can't you find another way to amuse yourselves?

Hyde: Well, I have an idea.

Red: A LEGAL way to amuse yourselves.

Hyde: Oh.

Kelso: I have an idea.

Red: Oh give it up, kettlehead. There's no way in hell that you could possibly have a good idea. (Red starts laughing as he leaves and heads back upstairs).

Donna: Just for arguments sake, or just plain curiosity, what is your idea?

Kelso: Let's take a road trip to Madison!

Fez: That's the dumbest idea (long pause) Wait, that sounded kind of good.

Donna: I'll go.

Jackie: I'd love to check out some cute college boys!

Hyde: I'll only go if Kelso picks up the beer.

Kelso: Fine. So, you guys in?

Everyone: Yeah.

Kelso: Awesome! I actually had a good idea!

(They all head for the door)

Kelso: Wait! I feel like we're forgetting something.

Red: (yelling from upstairs) Kelso!

Kelso: Oh man. I forgot that I spilled my coke all over the kitchen floor! Everybody run!

(Everyone runs out the side door)

**Scene 1: Somewhere on the side of the road. Kelso's van runs out of gas and the gang is standing in front of it.**

Donna: I can't believe you suggested a road trip, and then forgot to fill up the van!

Kelso: How did I know you guys were going to say yes?

Jackie: Ugh, you're such an idiot Michael!

Kelso: What? It's not like I did this on purpose.

Hyde: Look, will everyone just come down. At least we have some beer to tide us over until we get someone to stop and help.

Kelso: Uh, Hyde?

Hyde: Don't even tell me you forgot to buy the beer?

Kelso: Well no.

Hyde: Good.

Kelso: I was going to wait until we got to Madison to buy it.

Hyde: You idiot!

(Everyone starts yelling in unison until Fez intervenes)

Fez: Hey, stop it! Stop it!

(Everyone stops yelling and turns to look at Fez)

Fez: That's better. Now, we shouldn't all gang up on Kelso.

Kelso: Thanks Fez. (pause) Uh, Fez?

Fez: (interrupts Kelso) He may not be the smartest man, but he looks damn good, am I right?

Kelso: Fez?

Fez: And we all know that good looks don't just grow on trees.

Kelso: Fez? I forgot to pack your M&M's.

Fez: You bastard! Get him!

(Everyone attacks Kelso)

Opening credits start.

**Act I:**

**Scene 2: Forman's living room. The lights are down low, and there are a couple of candles burning on the coffee table. Kitty is in a red dress sitting on the couch and Red is standing behind the bar making some drinks.**

Kitty: Oh Red. It's so nice to be all alone.

Red: Yeah, I know. Those dumb kids finally decided to go do something.

Kitty: Where did they go?

Red: Who cares? They're not our kids.

(They both start laughing. Red brings two drinks over to the couch and sits down).

Red: Now, where were we?

Kitty: Oh Red.

(They start kissing. The doorbell rings).

Red: Don't answer it! It's probably the foreign kid. They always seem to leave him behind.

Kitty: What if it's important?

Red: It's not. Just let it ring.

(The doorbell rings again and Kitty looks uneasy).

Kitty: Red? I'm answering it. (She gets up to answer the door)

Red: OK, but you'll be sorry.

(The door opens to reveal Eric with a bunch of suitcases).

Eric: Mom, Dad? I'm home!

Kitty: Oh my God! My baby's home!

Red: I told ya!

**Scene 3: Still somewhere on the side of the road, the gang is standing around a campfire that Kelso is building. They all look pissed off.**

Kelso: Will you guys quit staring at me like that? It's creeping me out.

Hyde: Oh, I'm sorry. Hey guys, quit staring at Kelso because he can't help it that he's an irresponsible JACKASS!

Donna: Man, it's cold out here. I wish I brought a heavier jacket.

Jackie: At least you brought one. I thought I'd be cuddled up next to some hot guy by now!

Fez: Oh! I found my candy! (He pulls a brown bag from his pocket) Oh, never mind. I think it's just Hyde's stash. (He tosses it aside)

(The camera pans to show everyone's face individually. They all look excited).

**Cut to: Circle. Everyone is sitting close to the fire.**

Hyde: Fez man, you're a genius. You found the one thing in this world that could keep me from kicking Kelso's ass. Good job.

Fez: Thank you. I knew I would come in handy one day.

Donna: You know, I think I'm going to dye my hair back red. Yeah, red's better than blonde. No wait! I'll go black! No wait! Purple! Blue! Whoo-hoo! Hey, that rhymed.

Jackie: Well, I for one have never dyed my hair. It's the perfect auburn shade of brown. But I would wear a wig for a day. Because I would make a killer blonde too!

Kelso: See, isn't this great you guys? Who needs food, heat, or even a van?

(Everyone moans and throws stuff at Kelso)

Kelso: Hey! OK, who threw the dead squirrel? That's just gross.

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Forman's living room. Eric is still at the door. Kitty's hugging him.**

Kitty: (hugging Eric tightly) Oh my little baby's home! I missed you so much!

Eric: Thanks Mom. Mom? You're like, hurting me.

Kitty: (pulling away) Oh sorry, Eric. I forgot how frail you are.

(Eric comes in and goes over to Red)

Red: Well, look at you son. You look like you might have matured a bit.

Eric: Wow. I think that might be the nicest thing you ever said to me.

Red: Well, don't get used to it.

Eric: Believe me, I won't. So, where is everyone?

Red: Oh they went somewhere. I'm just glad they're not here!

Eric: Oh, well I have a surprise but I guess it can wait until everyone's here.

Kitty: Oh sweetie, you can tell us. We can keep a secret.

Red: And even if we can't, we're your parents and we demand that you tell us. Or, as the good Lord once said, "He who does not put forth their word, will find a foot up one's ass."

Eric: Well, OK. I'm moving to South America.

Kitty: What? But, but you just came home. Why are you leaving again?

Eric: Well, a bunch of us in Africa really enjoyed teaching there, but we could get permanent jobs in South America.

Kitty: What about South Kenosha? I'm sure they need teachers there as well.

Eric: Mom, you don't understand. These countries don't have all of the resources we do and we owe it to them to provide the same level of education that we have.

Kitty: Well, look at what your education has caused? You're talking all crazy, kooky, crazy! (Gesturing with her hands) Red, you have been awfully quiet. What do you think about all of this?

Red: Honestly, I'm proud of you Eric. I have waited 19 years for you to grow up. And finally, that day is upon us.

Eric: Thanks Dad.

Kitty: Oh God! Not again. Your father's talking crazy.

Red: Now Kitty, you must admit. Our boy's a man now. However, I do think anyone who wants to help anyone besides us Americans is a little nutty. But, if this is going to make you happy son, and keep you from living with us until we die, then I support you.

Eric: Wow, Dad. I should go away more often.

Red: Yeah, you should!

Eric: I'm just going to unpack my things. (He runs upstairs)

Kitty: (turns to give Red a nasty look) I can't believe you're driving him away a second time.

Red: Now Kitty, he can't live with us forever.

Kitty: Why not? (Starts sobbing)

Red: Oh crap. I think it's time for the little yellow pills again.

**Scene 5: An 18-wheeler picked up the gang. Kelso is in the front seat while the gang is in the back.**

Kelso: Wow, this thing is so cool. Can I drive?

Trucker: Uh, no.

Jackie: Ick. I can't believe I'm sitting in the back of a truck. This is so humiliating.

Donna: Well, it's better than being stranded. I'm starving.

Jackie: Is that all you think about is food?

Fez: Besides sex, that's all I ever think about. Since we don't have any food (long pause) (looks between Jackie & Donna)

Jackie/Donna: Ew/Get away! (They both start hitting him)

Hyde: Will you guys knock it off. (Addressing the truck driver) Hey man, can you drop us off at The Hub? I think we all need to eat.

Trucker: Sure no problem. But I do require a burger and fries as payment.

Hyde: Did you hear that Kelso?

Kelso: What? Aw man. It's not like any of this is my fault.

(Everyone, including the driver, look over at Kelso)

Kelso: What?

**Tag: **T_he Hub. Everyone is eating and sitting in silence. The truck driver is sitting with them as well._

_Kelso: What, so no one will talk to me._

_(Silence)_

_Kelso: You know, we still had a really good time._

_(Silence)_

_Kelso: Aw come on!_

_Hyde: Kelso, I will kill you if you open your mouth one more time._

_Trucker: I'd listen to what he says. That one kind of scares me._

**Fade out.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Intro: Donna's bedroom. Donna's on her bed sleeping. She hears a noise by the window.**

Donna: (waking up) Fez! That better not be you again!

Eric: (from outside the window) Donna?

Donna: Eric! (She gets out of bed and helps him into her room from the window) Oh my God! (She hugs him) What are you doing home?

Eric: Well, the teaching program ended earlier than I thought. So, here I am.

Donna: (hugging him again) Oh my God! I'm so glad you're here! I really missed you. (She pulls away from him)

Eric: I missed you too. (Donna goes in to kiss him but Eric holds back). Donna? I think we need to talk.

Donna: Eric, can we talk tomorrow? I had a really long and crazy day. Long story short, Kelso is an idiot.

Eric: Gotcha. (He goes to leave)

Donna: Eric? I don't want you to go. Can you just stay with me tonight?

Eric: Sure. I really missed you too.

(They move to Donna's bed and lay down together. Donna's closet door opens to reveal Fez. He runs over to the bed)

Fez: Oh Eric! I'm so happy you're home! (He falls onto the bed and hugs him)

Eric: Fez! What are you doing?

Fez: Oh, I'm sorry. I just missed you so much.

Donna: Fez, will you get out of here?

Fez: Fine. (He goes to leave but then stops at the doorway and turns around facing them) But, for what it's worth, next time you come home to the woman of your dreams, after a long trip, make sure you DO IT with her! You Americans disappoint me. I almost don't want to hide in this closet anymore!

(He leaves and Eric & Donna just look at each other)

Opening credits start.

**Act I:**

**Scene 1: Forman's driveway. Kelso & Hyde are shooting hoops. Jackie is leaning up against the porch filing her nails.**

Kelso: Foul! That's a foul. My shot.

Hyde: What? The only thing foul is your game.

Kelso: No, you blatantly hit me.

Hyde: Kelso, if I were to blatantly hit you, you would know.

Kelso: Oh yeah? How?

(Hyde punches Kelso in the arm)

Kelso: Ow!

Hyde: You see?

Kelso: (holding his arm, gasping in pain) Aw, You're right.

(Donna and Eric walk up to everyone)

Donna: Hey guys. Look who's home.

Hyde: Hey man! (Hugs him) Good to see you. How was Africa?

Kelso: More importantly, how were the African chicks? I hear they're all topless! (Gives Eric a hug)

Eric: It was pretty cool.

Jackie: Eric, it's great to have you back. (Gives him a kiss on the cheek). You actually look a tinge better looking since you became this international man. (Eric just gives her a weird look). So, what did you bring me back?

Eric: Nothing. I was working. But, I did bring back a little something that we all can enjoy.

**Cut to: Circle. Everyone's in the basement.**

Hyde: Whoa. This stuff is way cooler than ours.

Fez: I know. My brain feels like it's melting into my skull. I can't explain it but it is very exhilarating.

Jackie: You know Eric, this was very sweet of you. I almost find myself mildly attracted to you now. (Bats her eyes at him)

(Eric just smiles and does one of his goofy laughs; then starts sucking on a lollipop).

Donna: Hey, stop looking at her like that. Hello? It's Jackie. She's made of hellfire?

(Camera goes back to Eric)

Eric: (Frowns) Oh yeah, I forgot. I hate you. (Looks at Jackie again and does another goofy laugh)

(Camera goes back to Donna who is just rolling her eyes)

Kelso: You know, this could be the start of something new for us. We could be like taste testers for this stuff.

Hyde: Yeah, Kelso has a point. We could travel around the world, get high, meet chicks, eat a lot, drink beer (long pause) Uh, I lost my train of thought. Anyway, good times.

**Scene 2: Forman's driveway. Red's taking out the trash and Bob comes over.**

Bob: Hey there neighbor.

Red: Bob.

Bob: So I see your son's home. (sarcastic) That's nice.

Red: Hm mm.

Bob: (sarcastic) Donna's so excited, hell I'm excited.

Red: Is something on your mind Bob?

Bob: No, nothing. (sarcastic) I just love seeing young people happy and in love.

Red: All right, Bob. Out with it.

Bob: I think you should keep Eric away from my Donna!

Red: What?

(Eric & Donna come out from the sliding doors. No one sees them).

Bob: Your son has already hurt her once. And now that's he's back, there's no telling what could happen.

Red: What?

Bob: You heard me! I don't want Eric thinking he has my blessing anymore. I'm going to forbid Donna from seeing him.

Donna: Dad!

(Red & Bob turn around stunned to see Eric & Donna)

Bob: (Nervous) Pumpkin! Didn't see you there.

Donna: What's the matter with you!

Bob: Donna, I only want what's best for you.

Donna: Well, that's for me to decide. If I want to be with Eric, I will.

Eric: Donna, maybe I should go.

Donna: (Interrupting) No, I'll go.

Bob: Donna, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Donna: You didn't. You hurt Eric's. I can't believe you.

(She stomps back to her house pissed off).

Eric: Well, I guess I'll just go too. (He turns to leave. Then stops and faces Bob). Look, Mr. Pinciotti, I know I'm not your favorite person. And I know what I did to Donna was wrong.

Red: Eric, you don't have to defend yourself.

Eric: No Dad, it's OK. (To Bob) You know what, she wasn't ready to get married either. And say what you want about me but we are both happier people now that we had time to think about what happened. I just wish you could see that too. (He exits and heads towards the sliding glass doors).

Red: Bob look, these kids aren't really kids anymore. They have to make their own decisions. If that means screwing up their lives than so be it.

Bob: How can you be OK with your kids becoming adults?

Red: Because the sooner they do, the sooner they get the hell away from here! (He starts laughing. Bob just looks at him and walks back home).

**Act II:**

**Scene 3: The Hub. Kelso is on the payphone and Fez & Jackie are sitting at a table eating fries.**

Kelso: (on the phone) But why can't I come? I promise I won't mess it up this time! Oh, I see. Yeah, I guess you're right. Put her on for a second. Betsy? I love you. Bye. (He hangs up).

Fez/Jackie: Awwwwww.

Kelso: Get bent. (He sits down with them) You know, it's pretty cool to say I love you to a girl and actually mean it.

Jackie: (gasps) What!

Kelso: (covering) Ah, I mean a girl I don't want to do it with.

Jackie: (gasps again) What!

Kelso: (trying again) I mean, a girl that isn't you? (Waiting for approval)

Jackie: OK, that's better.

(Kelso looks relieved).

Fez: What were you talking to Brooke about?

Kelso: Same stuff. Like, how she's doing. How the baby's doing. How good-looking I am. (Jackie rolls her eyes). You know stuff like that. Oh, and how I'm not allowed to go to Betsy's monthly check-ups anymore.

Fez: Why not?

Kelso: Oh, because last time I stuck too many cotton balls up my nose and it took the doctor like an hour to get them all out.

Fez: So the doctor doesn't want you there?

Kelso: No, I think he kind of likes me. Brooke was just embarrassed and told me not to come anymore.

Jackie: Michael, I know you're kind of a screw up and all but this is your baby. You should be just as entitled to be there for her as Brooke is. If I were you, I would still go to that appointment.

Kelso: You know what, you're right. I'm going! (He gets up to leave).

Fez: Kelso?

Kelso: Yeah?

Fez: This time, try sticking the rubber gloves up your nose. That's funnier!

Kelso: Good idea. Thanks Fez. (He leaves)

Jackie: Nice going Fez.

Fez: That's what I am here for.

**Scene 4: Forman's kitchen. Kitty is making a sandwich; Red's reading the paper and Eric is sitting at the table drinking a coke.**

Kitty: How you doing, Eric?

Eric: Not good, Mom. I mean, I'm home only a day and everything seems to be going wrong.

Red: Now you know how we felt all these years.

Kitty: Red! (She brings the sandwich over to Eric and sits down) Well honey, life is messy. If it wasn't we'd all be living in the lap of luxury and your father would have hair. (She does her quintessential laugh. Red gives her a look).

Eric: Great, so my life would have meaning if Dad had hair. Thanks for the outlook, Mom.

(Donna is at the sliding glass doors about to come in, but starts eavesdropping instead).

Kitty: OK, look. You still love Donna right?

Eric: Yes.

Kitty: And you see a future with her right?

Eric: Of course. (Donna smiles).

Kitty: Well then, that's all that matters. In fact, now you don't have to go to South America anymore because you can stay here and get married to Donna! Oh yay!

Eric: Mom, I'm going. I leave in a month.

(Donna is stunned then runs off crying).

Red: Good for you son. Feel free to leave sooner if you want.

Kitty: But what about Donna?

Eric: I'm going to ask her to come with me.

Red: What makes you so sure she will go with you? I mean, you did leave her at the altar, son.

Eric: Hey, you stood up for me in front of Bob on that one.

Red: Yeah but it was still a crappy thing to do.

Eric: I know. But Donna and I have grown up since then. I mean, I think she knows that I won't screw it up this time.

Kitty: Oh honey, if history has taught us anything, you most likely will.

Eric: Gee thanks Mom.

**Scene 5: Grooves Record Store. Hyde is behind the counter reading Mad Magazine when Donna runs in. It's obvious she's been crying.**

Hyde: (looking up) Donna, what's wrong?

Donna: I just overheard Eric telling his parents that he's leaving again in a month. Only this time he's going to South America! (She plops down on the couch. Hyde sits down next to her).

Hyde: Really? I can't believe he didn't tell you.

Donna: I can. He always does something stupid like this before he does something stupid, you know?

Hyde: Yeah, like that time he told your parents that he also smoked when they were kicking me out. What an idiot.

Donna: Hyde look, I need your help.

Hyde: With what?

Donna: Do you think you could lend me $200?

Hyde: What for?

Donna: I'm going out to Arizona to see my mother.

Hyde: I thought she went to California.

Donna: That's where she thinks she is. Anyway, I just need to get away from here for a while. So, can you help me?

Hyde: Donna (pause)

Donna: Please?

Hyde: Hold on. (He goes to the register and takes the money out). Just call me when you get there.

Donna: Thanks Hyde. (They hug) You've always been a great friend.

Hyde: Yeah well, it's also kind of nice to burn Foreman for being such a dumbass. Seriously though, what do you want me to say?

Donna: Nothing. Don't tell him anything. See ya.

Hyde: Bye. (She goes to exit) Hey Donna? Bring me back a good stash, will ya?

Donna: I'll see what I can do.

**Tag:** _Doctor's office. Kelso is sitting on a table in an examination room. He has rubber gloves stuck up his nose._

_Doctor: OK Mr. Kelso, this may hurt a bit._

_Kelso: OK. You have to admit, this was pretty funny._

_Doctor: Well, the mother of your child didn't seem to think so._

_Kelso: Ah, she'll get over it._

_Doctor: Next time, at least, could you use the clean gloves? These have been used for the rectal exams._

_Kelso: What!_

_Doctor: Gotcha!_

_Kelso: Ha Ha Ha! That's funny! (They're both laughing. Then, Kelso becomes serious) Don't do that again._

**Fade out.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Intro: Forman's basement. Jackie walks in to an empty basement.**

Jackie: Donna? Are you here?

(Hyde walks out of his room without a shirt on)

Jackie: (obviously impressed, she can't stop staring) Steven. You scared me.

(He walks over to the dryer and pulls out a Rolling Stones T-Shirt)

Hyde: What are you doing here? (He slips his T-shirt on)

Jackie: (still staring at him) Uh, I'm sorry. What did you say?

Hyde: I said, what are you doing here?

Jackie: Oh right. I was looking for Donna. Do you know where she is?

Hyde: (looks down and then sniffs) Nope. Haven't seen her.

Jackie: (smiling) So, where is she?

Hyde: Didn't you hear me? I said I haven't seen her. Man, what's up with you today?

Jackie: Steven, you're obviously lying. I can tell. Every time you lie you sniff through your nose.

Hyde: What? No I don't. (Sniffs again) Damn it!

Jackie: (giggling) Told you. So spill! Where is she?

Hyde: Yeah, like I'm really going to tell you. You couldn't keep your mouth shut if I stapled it the floor.

Jackie: OK, fine. Then I'll just tell everyone about the love letter you wrote me when we were dating.

Hyde: I never wrote you a love letter.

Jackie: (grinning) They don't know that.

Hyde: Fine. She went to Arizona to see her mother. There, happy?

Jackie: What? I thought her Mom was in California.

Hyde: Yeah, according to Donna, Midge thinks she's there too. Anyway, so that's the scoop.

Jackie: Oh, OK. Well, I guess I'll be going then.

Hyde: Yep.

(Long uncomfortable silence)

Jackie: You know,

Hyde: Oh, here it comes.

Jackie: Since we're both not doing anything, maybe we could go to the mall.

Hyde: Jackie, I don't think that's

Jackie: (Interrupting) Fine, whatever. I just thought we could go as friends.

Hyde: -sigh- Fine. But no trying anything on!

Jackie: Deal.

Hyde: And no stopping at the pet shop windows. The smell of wet dog makes me want to vomit.

Jackie: Fine.

Hyde: But, feel free to cover me when I'm stealing something. Let's go.

(Jackie rolls her eyes and they exit).

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I:**

**Scene 1: Forman's kitchen. Red & Kitty are eating lunch at the table. Kelso & Fez come in through the sliding glass doors. Eric's on the phone.**

Kelso: Hey, you ready to go?

Red: Where are you idiots off to?

Kitty: Red. Can't you be civil at least once during the day?

Red: I was. Earlier when I parked the car, I purposely avoided hitting that squirrel. Even though that S.O.B. has been getting into the garbage every damn day.

Kitty: Well, good for you.

Red: (getting fired up) And he leaves huge piles of droppings all over the place.

Kitty: Red?

Red: (getting even madder) And he just looks at me with those pathetic beady little eyes!

Kitty: Red!

Red: What? I'm going to get my shotgun. (He heads towards the garage)

Kitty: OK, well. So where are you off to?

Fez: We're going to look at apartments.

Kelso: Yeah! Fez and I are going to be roomies. (He puts an arm around Fez)

Kitty: Oh now, well. Isn't that just an accident waiting to happen! (Her signature laugh)

Eric: (hangs up the phone) I don't where Donna is. I tried calling her all morning.

Fez: She's probably avoiding you because you did not have sex with her yet!

(Kitty gives Fez a strange look) In my country, you could be shot for that!

Kelso: (To Fez) Good thing you're here because you would have been shot a lot!

Fez: (To Kelso) You bastard. (They start wrestling)

Kitty: (calm) Ok now boys, stop that. Stop it. (Yelling) Knock it off! (They stop)

Kitty: (composing herself) Thank you.

Kelso: So Eric, you ready?

Eric: Yeah, I guess. I just wish I knew where she was. Maybe she's out getting me a welcome-home gift.

Fez: Wouldn't that be sex?

(Kitty gives Fez another look).

Kitty: Honey she's probably just somewhere with Jackie.

Eric: You're right. But if she is looking for something to get me, tell her I could use another light saber for my Luke Skywalker action figure. Somehow, mine keep getting lost.

(He exits through the sliding glass doors)

Kelso: (Laughing) That's because I've been stealing them.

Fez: Why?

Kelso: Because it's funny.

Fez: It's not really that funny.

Kelso: But Fez,

Fez: I said not funny.

Kitty: (sarcastic) Oh yeah, you two are gonna make great roommates!

**Scene 2: Mall parking lot, El Camino. Hyde gets in the driver side and Jackie is in the passenger seat. Jackie's looking through her bags.**

Jackie: I really love this blue sweater. It brings out my gorgeous eyes.

Hyde: I told you not to try on anything.

Jackie: I had to distract the sales lady so you could steal that jacket.

Hyde: Oh yeah. Thanks.

Jackie: No problem. It really does look good on you.

Hyde: (uncomfortable) Uh, thanks.

Jackie: Sure.

(They sit in silence)

Jackie: Steven? Aren't you going to start the car?

Hyde: What? Oh yeah, right. (He starts the car)

(Hyde looks over at Jackie who looks very uncomfortable).

Hyde: (looking straight ahead) So?

Jackie: (looking straight ahead) So?

(After a long pause, they both grab each other and start kissing. After a couple of seconds, they both pull away and look straight ahead again).

Jackie: (Extremely awkward) OK, so let's go.

Hyde: Right.

(They pull out of the parking lot).

**Cut To: An apartment building. Kelso, Fez & Eric. Kelso is knocking on an apartment door.**

Eric: I mean, I guess she could be at The Hub. But she probably would have called me, right?

Kelso: Eric, for the love of God!

Fez: Yes Eric. Your whole, (imitating) "Donna, Oh Donna, where are you Donna" attitude is really getting annoying.

Eric: Well excuse me for being concerned.

Kelso: Shut up. Someone's coming.

(The door opens to reveal Fenton)

Fenton: Oh, well hello there FEZ!

Fez: FENTON!

Fenton: I hope you're not here for the apartment because there is no way I am renting it to you.

Fez: Well, I wouldn't live here anyway. Let's go Kelso.

Kelso: No way man. This place is perfect. Just kiss and make up. Or whatever it is you guys do.

Fenton: Fez has a little explaining to do about my pants he stole.

Kelso: (To Fez) Why did you steal his pants?

Fez: That's not as bad as what you did to my undershirt you bastard!

Kelso: (To Fenton) What did you do to his undershirt?

Fenton: You can't even speak our language!

Fez: I can speak it better than you and you were born here!

(They turn their backs to each other in a huff)

Eric: (Frustrated) Man! You guys are acting like a bunch of babies!

Fenton: Excuse me?

Eric: You heard me. Fenton, you need the apartment rented and Fez & Kelso need an apartment. So can't you put your petty differences aside?

Fenton: No, he's hurt me too deeply.

Fez: Ditto.

Eric: OK, how about this. Fez & Kelso will rent the room for $10 a month more

Kelso: (interrupting) What? No way!

Eric: (To Kelso) Shut up. (To Fenton) In exchange, you let them live here, without harassing Fez, and give them the good parking spot by the stairs. Deal?

Fenton: Well, I guess. As long as the pretty boy stays, I guess I could live with HIM. (Pointing to Fez).

Fez: Fine.

Fenton: Fine.

Kelso: Fine. Wait. Am I the pretty boy?

Fenton: Yes.

Kelso: Cool. You're like the best landlord ever!

(Eric rolls his eyes)

**Act II:**

**Scene 3: The basement. Hyde and Jackie are sitting on the couch watching TV. They look very uncomfortable.**

Hyde: (thinking to himself) Man, why is she here. She drives me insane. I wonder what she would do if I just got up and left. That's what I should do. I should get up and leave. Ah, but Wonder Woman's on. And she's so hot. Dark hair, soft skin. (Just then, an image of Jackie dressed as Wonder Woman pops into is head)

Hyde: Ah!

Jackie: What is it?

Hyde: Nothing. (Covering) I, I thought someone was about to kill Wonder Woman. Whew, that was close.

(Jackie gives him a weird look).

(Kelso & Fez walk in)

Hyde: Hey Kelso, Fez! Thank God you're here! (Realizing that sounded bad) I mean, how's it going?

Kelso: Great! We just found our new apartment.

Fez: Yeah. It's really great. I can't wait to move in.

Jackie: That's great, you guys.

Hyde: What? You mean you two morons found a place before I did? That sucks.

Kelso: Oh man. I didn't even know you were looking.

Hyde: I'm not. But it still sucks.

Kelso: Yeah, well we gotta go move in our stuff.

Fez: Yes, but we're having a little difficultly figuring out where to put the slip-n-slide.

Kelso: I still think we should put it right when you walk in so everyone has to use it.

(They leave)

Jackie: Well, I guess I'm going to go too.

Hyde: Good. I mean (pause)

Jackie: What's the matter with you?

Hyde: Nothing. I just want to be alone that's all.

Jackie: Huh, sounds familiar.

Hyde: What's that supposed to mean?

Jackie: You figure it out.

(She leaves and slams the door behind her).

Hyde: (Looking back at the TV) Man, Wonder Woman put her clothes back on. Damn it! (He shuts it off)

**Scene 4: Forman's kitchen. Kitty & Red are sitting at the kitchen table. Bob walks in.**

Bob: All right, where's your son?

Red: Hey, what's your problem?

Bob: He sent my Donna away, that's my problem.

Kitty: What are you talking about? He hasn't even seen Donna.

(Eric walks in)

Bob: Oh yeah? Then why is she in Arizona with Midge?

Eric: What?

Bob: She just called to tell me that she's OK and that she's going to live with Midge for a while.

Eric: Wait, why? Everything was great. Why would she leave?

Bob: Maybe everything wasn't so great. What did you tell her?

Eric: Nothing, OK? I have no idea why she would leave.

Kitty: Honey, this wouldn't have anything to do with South America would it?

Eric: Mom, I didn't even mention it to her.

Bob: Mention what?

Red: (sarcastic) My son wants to take your Donna to South America with him so they will be together. What a horrible person, huh?

Bob: South America? But that's so far away.

Eric: I know, Mr. Pinciotti. But Donna means everything to me. And I got a really great teaching job offer down there that I can't possibly give up. But my life has no meaning unless Donna's a part of it. So I'm asking her to come with me. In fact, I wanted to tell her today but I couldn't find her.

Red: (sarcastic) What a bastard, huh Bob? (Slightly laughing)

Bob: Oh Geez. I guess I really misinterpreted your intentions with Donna. I'm sorry Eric. (He gives him a big bear hug, almost crushing him)

Eric: Yeah, that's OK. OK? Mr. Pinciotti? I can't breathe!

(He lets go)

Bob: Oh sorry.

Eric: And don't worry. We would only be in South America for a year or two. Eventually we would come back here.

Red: Oh crap.

Kitty: Red!

Red: I mean, yippee!

Bob: Well then you have to fix this. Call Donna and tell her to come home. Here's the number.

(Eric runs to the phone)

Kitty: Well, isn't this better? Who wants some hot chocolate?

Bob: Ooh. Me! Me!

(Eric walks back over to the table)

Eric: Well, that's not going to work. She won't take my calls and Mrs. Pinciotti keeps hanging up on me.

Bob: I'll call Midgey now.

Eric: No, it's all right. I'm going out there. If she won't listen to me willingly, then I'll just have to force her to listen to me.

Bob: OK, but if you hurt my little baby, I'm gonna, uh, uh (pause)

Red: Put your foot in his ass Bob. That seems to scare the crap out of him so I'll loan it to you.

Bob: Thanks Red. Yeah, I'll put my foot in your ass!

Red: Way to go Bob! It almost sounded believable!

**Scene 5: Midge's apartment in Arizona.**

Midge: Donna, maybe you should just talk to Eric.

Donna: No way, Mom. What's the point? He's leaving again and totally doesn't care about my feelings.

Midge: Let me tell you a story. There was this guy in high school that used to follow me around like a puppy dog. He wasn't really a dog though. I hope I didn't confuse you with that homily.

Donna: No, it's not a hom- (gives up) You were saying?

Midge: Oh right. Anyway, he would follow me to my locker, to my classes, to my car. And the whole time I was just taking him for granted. But when he stopped paying attention to me, I got really upset. I felt like I needed to fight for him. And by the time I realized he was really the love of my life, I had already met your Dad.

Donna: What?

Midge: Yeah, crazy right?

Donna: -sigh- So, what does this have to do with Eric & me?

Midge: Honey, sometimes the love of your life is right there and even though you didn't really have to fight for him in the past, you may have to fight for him in the future. Understand?

Donna: Actually Mom, that's makes a lot of sense.

Midge: Eric has always loved you. You have to make him realize that leaving to South Dakota without you would be a mistake.

Donna: It's South America Mom.

Midge: Oh good, that's closer.

(Donna shakes her head at Midge)

Midge: So, are you going to call him?

Donna: I'm going to do better than that. I'm going back to Wisconsin.

Midge: Good for you honey. While you're there, make sure you kick your stupid Dad in the shins for me. I think I might have missed out on the true love of my life.

Donna: Thanks for those last words of encouragement Mom.

Midge: Anytime, dear.

(They hug)

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _Kelso & Fez's apartment. The place is empty except for the slip-n-slide and some boxes._

_Kelso: See Fez, I'd told you this would work._

_Fenton: OK, here's your other key. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (He steps onto the slip-n-slide and skates on it across the room and then face-plants into the kitchen._

_Fez: See? I told you that would happen._

_Kelso: What do we do?_

_Fez: Run you idiot!_

_(They run out the front door)_

_Fenton: Get back here!_

**Fade out.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Intro: A bar outside of town. The air is real smoky and the clientele is mostly rough, biker-types. Hyde is sitting at a corner table near a jukebox. He's drinking a beer from the bottle and smoking a cigarette. A tall thin blonde walks over and sits down. They begin talking for a while. She orders a drink. The waiter brings it over and she begins playfully touching the straw with her forefinger and mouth. She gently reaches over and lays her hand on Hyde's right knee. Before Hyde has time to react, the jukebox suddenly stops. The bar becomes pitch black except for a red light over the entranceway. The door opens wide and a cloud of smoke appears. When the smoke dissipates, a small brunette wearing all black leather; jacket, pants, and boots appears. Her hair is blowing and the breeze opens her jacket revealing a tight red bustier. She saunters through the bar, in slow motion, running a hand through her hair and walking towards the jukebox. Hyde has his sight fixated completely on the beauty. The blonde seems distressed and removes her hand from Hyde's knee. The brunette leans over the jukebox seductively selecting her choice of song. Once she is satisfied, she waits for the sweet sound of, "Hey Hey Momma" muttering through the machine. As the sexy voice of Robert Plant echoes in her ears, she slowly starts taking off her jacket. She tosses it to the side and begins swaying her hips. As she spins around, she notices Hyde staring at her. Fixated in his eyes, she walks over and faces him square on. She slowly lifts up her left leg and plants it on the other side of his chair. Then she proceeds to gently sit down on his lap, straddling him. Lifting her hands up to his face, she presses her soft lips to his. Hardly containing himself, Hyde hears her say, "Oh Steven." And then, repeating his name, "Steven. Steven."**

Kitty: Steven!

Hyde: Ahhhhh! What?

Kitty: You fell asleep on the couch.

Hyde: What time is it?

Kitty: It's 3:30 in the afternoon. Aren't you late for work?

Hyde: Oh yeah. Uh, I better get going.

Kitty: Wow, that must have been some dream. So, who was this pretty young thing?

(Jackie walks in)

Jackie: Hey, have guys seen Fez?

Hyde: Ahhhhh! I gotta go.

(He exits)

Jackie: What's with him?

Kitty: Oh damn. It's you again? (Kitty's signature laugh)

(Jackie looks at her with a confused expression and mutely says "What?")

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I:**

**Scene 1: Somewhere cross-country. Eric is driving to Arizona. The Who's "Teenage Wasteland" is playing in the car and he's singing along. He hears something in the back.**

Kelso: Mmm. Where am I?

Eric: Kelso? What the hell?

Kelso: Eric? What? Where are you going?

Eric: I'm going to Arizona to see Donna. What are you doing in the back of the Vista Cruiser?

Kelso: Well, Fez kicked me out of the apartment last night because of the little slip-n-slide mishap. I still think it was his fault though. I told him we should have put up a sign that says "Enter at your own Risk."

Eric: (sarcastic) Yeah, that would have been much better.

(Kelso climbs over the backseat to the front almost kicking Eric in the head)

Eric: Hey! Watch it!

Kelso: Sorry! So where are we anyway?

Eric: I have no idea. I know we're in Oklahoma, but Bob's directions are horrible. Look at this. (Reading off his directions) "Take this long route, you see. You know the one with the big sign and go west." What the hell does that mean?

Kelso: Maybe it's a clue.

Eric: A clue?

Kelso: Yeah, you know like a scavenger hunt.

Eric: A scavenger hunt?

Kelso: Yeah, and instead of getting some dumb prize at the end, you get "Hot Donna."

Eric: All right, you have officially pissed me off.

Kelso: What? You'd prefer an Easter egg to Donna?

Eric: Just, stop talking.

Kelso: All right. But she's gonna be super pissed when I tell her.

(Eric slams his head against the steering wheel)

**Scene 2: The Hub. Fez is playing pinball. Jackie comes in and runs over to Fez.**

Jackie: Thank God I found you!

Fez: (With bedroom eyes) Oh baby, you didn't have to look far.

Jackie: Ew, you perv! Like that would really happen. Anyway, I have a surprise for you!

Fez: Is it candy?

Jackie: No.

Fez: A Sugar Daddy?

Jackie: That's candy, Fez.

Fez: A non-candy Sugar Daddy?

Jackie: Fez!

Fez: What?

Jackie: Name something other than candy that you love?

Fez: A woman dipped in candy?

Jackie: Close. (A woman walks into The Hub. She's a tall, slender, blonde, attractive woman. Jackie presents her to Fez). Ta Da!

Woman: Hey Fez.

Fez: Who the hell are you?

Jackie: Fez? It's Big Rhonda. Well, without the Big part.

Rhonda: Yeah, I slimmed down a bit. But not as slim as you string bean. (She nudges him with her elbow and snorts out a laugh)

Fez: Rhonda? You look so different.

Rhonda: Different, good?

Fez: Just different.

(Rhonda looks upset)

Jackie: Fez?

Rhonda: Oh, well I guess you're not impressed with the new Rhonda.

Fez: It's not that. It's just, well; I liked you the way you were before.

Rhonda: Well, I'm still the same person. I can put on the geeky glasses again if you want. (She pulls the glasses out from her pocket and puts them on).

Fez: Yeah, that helps a little.

Rhonda: So, what. You only liked me for my looks?

Fez: Is that shallow? Because I don't want to give you the wrong impression, here.

Rhonda: No, it's fine. At least I know who you really are.

(Rhonda runs out of The Hub crying. Jackie turns to Fez and hits him on his arm).

Jackie: What the hell's the matter with you!

Fez: What? She's too pretty for me. I need someone more on my level. (He looks over at a booth and starts staring at a nerdy girl with thick glasses and a night brace). Now see she is someone who can get Fez's engine running, if you know what I mean. Roaaaaaaaar.

Jackie: Ugh, you're such a jerk. (She leaves).

Fez: What? (He looks over at the nerdy girl again and mutters to himself). I'll catch you later hot stuff. (He leaves).

**Scene 3: Grooves Record Store. Hyde's behind the counter in a daze. A customer walks up to him to pay for an album.**

Customer: So, how much for this Captain & Tenille album?

Hyde: I should shoot you.

Customer: What?

Hyde: No man in his right mind would buy an album like this. At least lie to me and say it's for your girlfriend.

Customer: OK, it's for my girlfriend.

Hyde: Too late. We both know that's not true. Not to mention it's obvious that you're gay.

Customer: What? I am not!

Hyde: Don't lie. I saw you checking out that guy over there.

Customer: What's wrong with you? I'm leaving! (He slams the album down on the counter and leaves)

Hyde: (Yelling after him) I'm only doing this for your own benefit. Come clean with yourself man!

Leo: What's the matter with you? You don't seem yourself, man.

Hyde: Ah, it's nothing. Believe me, I'm still the same paranoid, anti-government, rebel everyone hates to love. (Smiles to himself)

Leo: Yeah, but now you have an attitude, man.

Hyde: Whatever. I don't care.

Leo: Ah, I think I see it now.

Hyde: No offense Leo but you couldn't see a nuclear explosion if it happened ten feet away from you.

Leo: That's probably true man. But I've always been in tuned with my sensitive side. You're bummed over a chick, man.

Hyde: That's stupid.

Leo: Then how come you keep snapping at every person you talk to? Believe me, I've been there more times than I want to remember. Actually, it's probably a good thing I can't remember. (Starts laughing. Hyde looks bored and starts to walk away). Wait man. Here, sit down. (They both sit on the couch) Look, when my old lady split on me, I was completely heartbroken. And the reality of it was that it was actually my fault. I was just too proud to see it, man. I would drink all day, come home, and sometimes not alone, and just crash on the couch. Ah, the good old days.

Hyde: Leo? Does this story have a point?

Leo: Oh, yeah. Anyway, I thought we would be together forever, no matter what I did or said. But, then one day I came home and saw that she had picked up and left with our son. I knew my life would never be the same, man.

Hyde: Yeah, but you're living life on your own now. Chicks anytime you want. No rules.

Leo: I know my life seems glamorous man, but deep down I'm miserable. I'm just lucky I have you. You've always been like a son to me. I'll always appreciate that man.

Hyde: Thanks Leo. I just think my situation is different than yours.

Leo: Whatever you say man. Just don't wait too long. Because once you realize it, loud girl may be gone.

Hyde: How did you know it was Jackie?

Leo: I didn't. Who's Jackie, man?

(Hyde shakes his head and walks away from Leo).

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: The basement. Fez is watching TV. Rhonda walks in looking for Jackie.**

Rhonda: Jackie? Oh, it's you.

Fez: Look, Rhonda. I think we need to talk.

Rhonda: I have nothing to say to you.

Fez: I never meant to hurt you. I was startled when I saw you because you look so beautiful. Not that you weren't beautiful before. You always looked great to me. (Rhonda starts to smile a little). It's just, well, I didn't think you would really be interested in someone like me.

Rhonda: Are you kidding? I've always had a thing for hot foreign man.

Fez: Which brings me back to, why are you interested in me?

Rhonda: Fez, I'm talking about you.

Fez: Oh. (Realizing) Oooooooooooh.

Rhonda: What do you say we get out of here and go see a movie?

Fez: Sounds good to me.

Rhonda: You know what I've always liked about you Fez?

Fez: No, what?

Rhonda: Even though I had this easy personality, you never took advantage of me.

Fez: I know. Something I am surely regretting now.

Rhonda: Hey, don't worry. You buy me the extra big popcorn and you may just get lucky tonight.

Fez: Really? Don't trick me devil woman!

Rhonda: I'm not kidding Fez. So, let's go.

Fez: I'm right behind you. I just need to do something first.

Rhonda: OK. I'll be out in the car. (She leaves)

Fez: (Singing & swaying his hips and arms) I'm going to do it again! I'm going to do it again! (He runs out of the basement and meets up with Rhonda).

**Scene 4: Forman's living room. Kitty & Red are watching TV.**

Kitty: You know that Columbo is something else. He also kind of makes me tingly all over. (She looks over at Red)

Red: Really? Well let's just do something about that, shall we?

Kitty: Oh Red! (They run upstairs. But before the make it up halfway, the doorbell rings)

Red: Leave it. It's probably another one of those damn kids.

Kitty: Oh Red. It'll only take a second. (She opens the door to reveal Donna).

Red: Oh crap. I told ya!

Kitty: Donna! What are you doing here?

Donna: Looking for Eric. Is he here?

Kitty: No, he went looking for you in Arizona.

Donna: Oh, that's so sweet. (Realizing) What a dumbass!

Red: Well there's something we agree on. Now, get out.

Kitty: Red!

Donna: I can't believe he's on his way to see me.

Kitty: Well, I guess he had something really important to tell you.

Red: (getting upset) Kitty? No meddling.

Donna: It's OK, Mr. Foreman. I already know about South America.

Kitty: You do?

Donna: Yeah. And if he thinks I'm going to let him just leave me like that again, he's crazy! We've been through too much together, am I right?

Kitty: Oh, honey. He wasn't going to leave without you.

Red: Kitty?

Kitty: What? I'm not meddling. I'm helping.

Donna: You mean, Eric was going to ask me to come along?

Kitty: I'm not saying a word. My lips are sealed. (She does a hand gesture closing her lips)

Donna: Oh my God! I better go call my Mom to see if he got there yet! Thanks Mrs. Foreman. (She hugs her and then leaves through the kitchen).

Red: Now look what you've done.

Kitty: What? I didn't say a word. And, now she's gone, so (pause)

Red: Eh, I'm not in the mood anymore. Let's go back to watching TV.

Kitty: What? (Yelling) I work too damn hard to come home and watch you sit on your ass ignoring me. Now get up those stairs Mister. Hop to! (Red looks nervous and starts running up the stairs).

Red: (smiling) Kitty, I've never seen you like this!

Kitty: Stop talking and move it Mister! (She runs up after him).

**Scene 5?-Truck stop coffee shop. Eric is asking a waitress for directions.**

Eric: (Pointing at the map) So, I was supposed to turn back there?

Waitress: Yep. Sorry sonny, but you just added another 2 hours on to your trip. (Walks away laughing)

Eric: Great. Now what?

Kelso: I say we just keep going and see where we end up.

Eric: What good will that do?

Kelso: (pulling something from his pocket) Will you relax, Eric. I have my Captain Jack compass. He'll see us through.

Eric: Didn't you get that from a Honey Combs box?

Kelso: Yeah. And that cereal is too good for this thing not to work.

Eric: You have to be one of the dumbest people ever.

Kelso: Hey, don't piss off the man with the compass!

Eric: That's it. We're going home. (He leaves the coffee shop)

Kelso: (Yelling after him) Can't we at least try it! We never get to do anything I want to do!

Customer at the bar: I'm glad they're gone.

Customer 2 at the bar: Yeah. Those gay couples make me queasy. (They both nod in unison).

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _Movie Theater- Rhonda is watching the movie. Fez comes in holding 3 oversized tubs of popcorn._

_Rhonda: Wow! That's a lot of popcorn!_

_Fez: I just want to make sure that you hold up your end of the bargain, if catch my drift._

_Rhonda: Fez? I didn't mean that every big popcorn you bought meant we're going to do it._

_Fez: You didn't?_

_Rhonda: No. One's all I need to go all night._

_Fez: Oh. (Realizing) Ooooooooooh!_

_(They start making out)_

**Fade out.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Intro: Forman's kitchen. Red's reading the paper and Kitty's pouring coffee by the counter. Donna walks in.**

Donna: Hey Mrs. Forman, Mr. Forman. Have you guys heard from Eric?

Kitty: No honey, why?

Donna: Well I just got off the phone with my Mom and she said that Eric never showed up. Isn't that weird?

Red: Well now Donna, this is Midge we're talking about. Are you sure she hasn't actually seen Eric?

Kitty: Red!

Red: What? That woman doesn't even know she's in Arizona!

Kitty: Red!

Donna: No, it's OK. Unfortunately, he's right. Please let me know if you hear from him.

Kitty: Sure.

(Donna exits towards the basement)

Kitty: You know, I'm starting to get worried about Eric.

Red: Now Kitty, I'm sure he's fine. But if he did anything to the car, I'll kill him!

**Cut to: Eric and Kelso are on the side of the highway. They blew a tire. Eric's examining and Kelso's standing above him.**

Eric: Red's gonna kill me!

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I:**

**Scene 1: Eric and Kelso are still stuck on the side of the highway.**

Kelso: I can't believe we're only like 2 hours from home, and you blew a tire. What irony, huh?

Eric: Kelso? Do you even know what that word means?

Kelso: Yes. Well, at first I thought it had to do with wearing one of those shirts that has an iron burn stain on the back of them. You know the ones I mean?

Eric: Uh, yeah.

Kelso: Yeah, those are funny. (Starts laughing) Like when Edith did that to Archie this onetime

Eric: (interrupting) Shut (pause) up!

Kelso: What's your problem?

Eric: Kelso, we're stuck out here and I don't have a spare tire.

Kelso: What? You never said that. Red's gonna kill you.

Eric: I know!

Kelso: So what's the plan?

Eric: I guess we walk until we find a gas station or something.

Kelso: OK. Let me just grab my compass.

(Eric just rolls his eyes and starts walking).

**Cut To: The basement. Donna and Jackie are watching TV.**

Jackie: So, nothing new about Eric?

Donna: No. I just hope he's OK. I'm a little worried, Jackie.

Jackie: Oh please. I'm sure he's fine. And if not, I'm sure I can find you a great guy.

Donna: Jackie!

Jackie: What? I'm quite the little matchmaker now.

(Fez and Rhonda walk in hand-in-hand)

Fez: Hey guys.

Jackie: See?

Donna: Wow Rhonda. You look great.

Rhonda: Thanks.

Fez: Yes, she's my Little Ronnie.

(They kiss)

Jackie: Aw, you guys are so cute. (They continue kissing) OK, you guys can stop that now. Stop it! You're really starting to gross me out!

Fez: (They stop kissing) Anyway, the reason we're here is to say, "Thank you, Jackie." You made us find each other again and we want to reward you.

Jackie: Aw Fez, you don't have to reward me.

Fez: Oh, OK.

Jackie: Well actually, I could use a ride to the mall. And I have some dry cleaning that needs to be picked up. Hmm. Maybe I should make a list. Let's go. (The three of them leave and Donna just laughs to herself).

**Scene 2: A gas station. Eric's ringing the bell at the desk and Kelso is putting coins in the bubblegum machine.**

Eric: (Ringing the bell) Hello? Is anyone here? Hello?

Guy: (A tall lanky guy walks out from the door behind the counter). Stop ringing the bell! You're driving me insane!

Eric: Earl?

Earl: Oh hey there Eric. (Looking around nervously) Red's not with you, is he?

Eric: No, just Kelso. (He looks over at Kelso who is spilling gumballs all over the floor). So, what are you doing out here?

Earl: Well, I pretty much went through all of the jobs in Point Place. So I needed a place to start fresh.

Eric: By went through we're talking about being fired, am I correct?

Earl: You got it! Can't get one past you huh? Well, you are a Forman after all.

Eric: Seriously Earl. Red's not with me. So, no need to suck up. I'm just with Kelso.

(As Kelso is trying to pick up the gumballs off of the floor, he starts slipping on them and eventually falls).

Kelso: Ow!

Eric: (ignoring Kelso) So anyhoo, we blew a tire and we need a new one.

Earl: Oh geez, Eric. I'd love to help but I'm the only one here and I'm new. I'm not sure where we keep the tires.

(Eric leans back and notices that the entire front of the store is lined with tires).

Eric: Uh, Earl? (He points to the tires)

Earl: Whoa. How ironic!

Kelso: Hey, there's that word again. Hey Earl. I used to think it meant

Eric: (interrupting) Shut (pause) up!

**Scene 3: The Hub. Hyde's sitting at a table eating fries when Fez & Rhonda walk in.**

Fez: Hyde? Have you seen Jackie?

Hyde: No, why?

Rhonda: Oh, she asked us to meet her here.

Hyde: Big Rhonda? You look great.

Fez: Back off. She's mine.

Hyde: How the hell did that happen?

Rhonda: Jackie actually fixed us up.

Hyde: You mean Jackie actually did something nice for someone? I don't believe it.

Fez: Yes, it was shocking to us as well. However, here we are.

Hyde: Why are you looking for Jackie?

Fez: (Pulling a list from his pocket) Oh, because we have her dry cleaning and we picked up Fluffycakes from the seamstress. She really ripped the head off of that thing! (He starts laughing to himself and everyone else just looks at him). Anyway, I also need to know what time to take her to the beauty shop tomorrow.

Hyde: Oh, so I get it. She set you guys up and in turn, you have to be her slaves?

Rhonda: Actually, it was our idea. We're happy to do it now that we fell in love all over again. (Rhonda and Fez start staring at each other longingly)

Hyde: All right, you guys need to go. You're sickening me.

Fez: Well, if you see Jackie, could you at least tell her we're looking for her?

Hyde: Whatever.

Fez: Thank you. (To Rhonda) Come my little buttercup. I'll let you ride the Fez-train again.

Rhonda: Oh Fez! (They run out of The Hub. Hyde shutters in disgust).

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Gas Station. Eric's hanging out in the waiting room reading a magazine. Kelso comes in, out of breath and his clothes are messed up.**

Eric: Kelso? What happened to you?

Kelso: Oh, I found a couple of dogs out back and started playing with them.

Eric: Well, you definitely smell like you did.

(Earl walks in)

Earl: OK, you're all set Eric. That will be $52.

Eric: What? Why so much?

Earl: Well, two tires don't come cheap.

Eric: Two? I only needed one!

Earl: Right, but as I was trying to put on the first one, I kind of mangled it up pretty bad. How was I to know it was 2 sizes to big for your car?

Eric: What?

Earl: Yeah, but the second one fit perfectly so now you need to pay for two tires.

Eric: That's ridiculous! I'm not paying for two!

(Out in front, a bunch of dogs are running around)

Earl: Hey! My dog got loose! How did that happen?

(He runs outside and chases down his dog)

Kelso: (Oblivious) Yeah, I wonder how that happened.

Eric: You idiot! You let them loose when you were playing with them.

Kelso: Well, I didn't want to get tangled up in their leashes!

(Eric just looks at Kelso)

Eric: So now what do we do? I don't have enough money to pay for this.

Kelso: (Pointing) Look Eric. The keys are right there on the counter.

Eric: No, no, no. I'm not going to steal my own car. Besides, Earl could get fired. (Realizing what he just said) Right, take the keys and let's go!

(Kelso grabs the keys and they run out of the gas station)

**Scene 5: The Hub. Hyde is sitting at the same table reading a magazine. Jackie walks in.**

Jackie: Hey Steven.

Hyde: Hey. Your little freak show couple was looking for you.

Jackie: Yeah, I know. I met up with them already.

Hyde: Oh, then I guess you'll be leaving then, right?

Jackie: (sarcastic) Wow, God forbid we actually talk civil to each other for more than a second.

Hyde: No, it's just I have nothing to say.

Jackie: Look, I know we've been avoiding each other since (pause) Well, since the other day in the car.

Hyde: I haven't been avoiding you. I just don't care, that's all.

Jackie: God, you can be such an ass, you know that? Look, it's obvious what's going on here.

Hyde: What?

Jackie: You think I'm going to want you back, right?

Hyde: What are you talking about?

Jackie: Look Steven, what happened in the car was a mistake so don't worry. I'm not going to stalk you in the hopes that we will get back together. We want different things and there's no way that we will ever be happy together. So let's just go back to insulting each other, OK?

(Hyde looks at her in disbelief and finds himself saddened by what she is saying)

Hyde: Whatever.

(A tall, thin handsome guy walks into The Hub and comes up next to Jackie)

Guy: Hey babe, you ready? (He grabs the side of her waist and gives her a kiss on the cheek).

Jackie: Yeah. Oh, Peter this is Steven. Steven, Peter.

Peter: (Holds up his hand to wave) Hey. (To Jackie) Come on, we're going to be late for the movie.

Jackie: (To Peter) OK. (He goes towards the door and Jackie turns her attention to Hyde) So, we're cool then?

Hyde: (taken aback by what's happening) I told you. I don't care so, whatever.

Jackie: (pissy) Fine. (She exits with Peter).

(Obviously pissed off and hurt, Hyde throws his magazine on the floor and crosses him arms).

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _Kelso & Eric are in the car driving home._

_Eric: Man, you really stink._

_Kelso: I know. I think one of the dogs peed on me._

_Eric: Ugh! That's just great!_

_Kelso: Don't worry though. I used the water from their bowls to wash up._

_Eric: Ugh!_

**Fade out.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Intro: Forman kitchen. Kitty is making coffee and Red's eating breakfast. Eric & Kelso walk in looking haggard.**

Kelso: I told you Eric, it wasn't my fault!

Eric: Well next time, try spitting when the window is actually DOWN!

Kitty: Oh, there's my baby! (Hugs Eric)

Kelso: What about me? I can be a baby too!

Red: No Kelso, you're a dumbass. In fact, if that car isn't in tip-top shape, you will also have my foot in your dumbass.

Kelso: No, the car's fine. I mean, once Earl fixed it.

Red: What!

Eric: Kelso! What the hell?

Kelso: Red, it was nothing. We just got a flat tire, that's all.

Red: What!

Eric: Kelso! Stop talking!

Red: (Towards Eric) You're grounded.

Eric: For what?

Red: For trying to keep this from me.

Kitty: Red, now nobody's grounded. We're all mature adults here.

Red: I'm not!

(Kitty gives him a look).

Kitty: Eric had the car fixed so it's no problem. Did you say Earl fixed it?

Red: Earl, Earl? Oh crap! I gotta go check to make sure he didn't screw it up. (He runs outside to the car).

Eric: Well, it sure is nice to be home.

(Donna comes in from the living room).

Donna: Eric!

Eric: (Turning around) Donna! I'm so glad you came back.

(They hug. They pull away and notice Kitty & Kelso staring at them).

Kitty/Kelso: Awwwwwwwwwwww!

Eric: O-Kay, Donna. Let's go to my room, shall we? (Donna nods and they head up).

Kelso: (Calling after them) Good job Eric! There's nothing like make-up sex! (Kitty gives him a disgusted look).

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: The Hub. Kelso, Fez, Jackie and Peter are sitting at a table hanging out.**

Kelso: So then I said, "How ironic." You know because I though it meant

Fez: (Interrupting him) Yeah, yeah the iron burn patch. We got it you stupid man.

(Everyone rolls their eyes at Kelso).

Kelso: What? That's confusing you know.

Peter: Hey, I'm kind of hungry. You guys want anything?

Fez: Yes but I only have 50 cents.

Peter: No problem Buddy. I'll get it for you. Hot dogs OK?

(Everyone looks at him in disbelief).

Fez/Kelso: Sure.

(Peter goes to the counter).

Jackie: Isn't he great?

Fez: Jackie, let's put it this way. If it doesn't work out between the two of you, I may take a stab at it. (Laughing like he's kidding).

(Kelso & Jackie look at him bewildered).

Kelso: Dude, that's kind of sick.

Fez: I can picture it now.

**Cut To: Dream Sequence. Background music is the theme from Sesame Street. They both have huge cheesy smiles on their faces the entire time. First scene shows Fez & Peter in the park eating hot dogs by a food stand. Next scene, Fez is on a swing and Peter is pushing him. Next scene, Fez is hunched over puking and Peter is patting his back comforting him. Last scene, they're sitting closely on a park bench watching the sunset.**

**Dream Sequence ends.**

(Everyone is staring at Fez).

Fez: (Snapping out of it) What?

(Peter walks over and sits down).

Peter: Here's your hot dog Fez.

Fez: (Subconsciously talking in a pseudo-sexy way) Oh, thank you Peter.

Jackie: Ew! Lay off!

Kelso: Yeah seriously Fez. That's kind of gross.

Peter: What are you guys talking about?

(Everyone ignores him and Hyde walks in).

Hyde: Hey guys. Who's this? (Pointing to Peter).

Fez: Oh, this is our new friend Peter.

Peter: (Standing up and trying to shake Hyde's hand) Hey. We met before. I'm Jackie's boyfriend.

Hyde: (Not extending a hand and sitting down) Well then, I feel sorry for you.

Peter: Excuse me?

Jackie: Nothing. Just disregard him. He's still pissed off that his mother never loved him.

Hyde: Yeah well we all know your Mom loved a lot of people!

Jackie: -Gasp- Wha? Come on Peter, let's go.

(They both get up to leave and Peter addresses Hyde).

Peter: Hey man. I'm not sure what I ever did to you but you could try and show a little respect to the lady. Let's go Jackie.

(They exit).

Hyde: Pft. Do you believe that guy?

Kelso: Well, you were a little hard on him. And Jackie for that matter.

Hyde: What? I'm always like that to Jackie.

Kelso: I don't know man. You seemed abnormally cruel this time. It's kind of

Hyde: (Interrupting) Kelso, if you say ironic I'm going to punch you so hard in the arm that your nose will bleed. (Looks over at Fez who is crying). What's your problem?

Fez: You sent my friend away.

Kelso: (Comforting him) It's OK buddy. Let's leave this angry man alone. (They get up to leave).

Fez: Kelso, I need some ice cream.

Kelso: Sure Buddy. No problem.

(They leave).

Hyde: What the hell just happened?

**Scene 2: Eric's bedroom. Donna and Eric are hugging. **

Donna: (Pulling away from him) Oh Eric. I'm sorry I ran to my mother's. I thought you were leaving again.

Eric: Donna, I love you and I realized that I couldn't be away from you again. You mean so much to me and I really want to make this work.

Donna: You don't know how happy that makes me.

Eric: Are you sure you don't mind coming with me to South America?

Donna: Eric, I love you and I want to be with you. So, I'm coming.

(They hug).

Eric: Great!

Donna: As soon as I find a job out there.

(They pull away).

Eric: What?

Donna: Yeah, I mean I need to do something too, you know.

Eric: Yeah I know but I thought we could live off of my paycheck for a while. I could be like your sugar daddy.

Donna: Whoa.

Eric: Wait! That sounded kind of bad.

Donna: (Sarcastic) You think?

Eric: I didn't mean it that way.

Donna: You know, why is it that you always take a great situation and make it into a crappy one. (She leaves).

Eric: (Yelling after her) Because Red screwed me up!

**Scene 3: The Basement. Hyde, Fez, Eric, Kelso are sitting in the circle.**

Eric: Why do I say stupid things all of the time? I mean, I was so ready for great make-up sex and what do I do? I say "sugar daddy" and I'm in the doghouse again.

Kelso: (Licking the crème filling out of Oreos and discarding the cookies on to the floor) Do you want to know what your problem is? You just don't get women man. Like take me for instance, Brooke and I don't ever fight as much as you do because she lives far away and we are free to sleep with other people. So, you should move to South America and let me sleep with Donna. That's a win-win in my book.

Hyde: (Smiling) Isn't this great? Forman is having problems with Donna. Kelso is saying something stupid to comfort him. It's like old times man. (He looks over at Fez) What's your problem?

Fez: (Looking sad) You drove my friend away you son of a bitch!

Hyde: Get over it man. He's not one of us. No one else even likes him.

(Camera pans to Fez who still looks upset. Then, camera pans to Eric).

Eric: (Eating a chicken wing) Actually, I met him a little while ago. He seems pretty cool.

Kelso: Yeah. He bought me a hot dog. Plus, he's a good-looking guy like me. But not as good-looking. I mean, let's face it. I'm the total package.

Hyde: Man, what's the matter with you guys? That Peter guy is a complete tool.

Fez: That's because you don't like him dating Jackie.

Hyde: Untrue.

Fez: (Singing) Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree (Hyde punches him in the arm) Ai!

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: The Vista Cruiser. Red's driving and Kitty's in the passenger seat. Red's checking to make sure the car is OK.**

Red: Did you hear that? It sounded like a clunking noise.

Kitty: I didn't hear anything.

(They sit in silence. Kitty turns on the radio).

Red: What the hell are you doing? (He turns it off). How am I supposed to hear how the car's running if you turn on the music?

Kitty: Red, this is stupid. Why can't you just trust Eric?

Red: I do trust Eric. I just don't trust Earl!

Kitty: You know, this reminds me of that time we drove around when we first got married and we were looking at houses. Do you remember that?

Red: (Not paying attention) What?

Kitty: You know. We drove around in the dark. We looked through the windows of some of the houses and wondered what they were doing. (She puts her hand on his knee. She starts talking sexy to him) And, remember when we pulled off on the side of the road.

Red: (Looks over at her) Oh, Kitty.

**Cut To: They are on the side of the road and the Vista Cruiser is stuck in a ditch and smoke is coming up from the hood. Red has a small bleeding cut above his eye that he's dabbing with a cloth. A cop is questioning them.**

Cop: So, exactly how did this happen?

Red: (Looks over at Kitty) Oh geez.

**Scene 5: Forman's driveway. Eric is taking out the trash and Donna walks up to him.**

Eric: Donna. I'm so sorry about what I said.

Donna: I know. I should start to realize by now that you say a lot of stupid things.

Eric: That's right. So this is your fault.

(They both start laughing).

Donna: Eric look. I guess I was upset because I always thought you would follow me to my dream not the other way around. That's kind of selfish, huh?

Eric: Yeah.

Donna: (She hits him in the stomach and laughs) Get bent.

Eric: Look, it's important to me that you're happy too. So, if you find a job that you love, I'll support you.

Donna: (Hugging him) Thanks Eric.

Eric: I mean, I hear that the strippers out there make a ton of money!

Donna: She hits him again and laughs) You perv!

(They begin wrestling a little and then they start to make out).

Eric: You know, we never had any make up sex.

Donna: Oh well. I guess it's too late now. Good night. (She exits towards her house).

Eric: Wait, what?

Donna: (Calling off screen) I'm kidding. Are you coming?

Eric: Oh, yes!

**Fade Out.**

**Tag: Peter, Kelso, & Fez are hanging at the Hub. Peter is telling a story.**

_Peter: And that's how I got to be the starting quarterback in football._

_Kelso: Whoa. You're like the coolest guy ever. Well, next to me of course._

_Peter: Well, I gotta go pick up Jackie. I'll see you guys later. (He gets up to leave)._

_Fez: (Standing up) Wait, don't go! Jackie will never feel the way I do about you!_

_Peter: What?_

_Kelso: (Covering) Uh, he's just kidding, Peter. I mean, do you honestly think we would hang out with such a freaky foreigner? Ha Ha!_

_Peter: (He starts laughing). You got me! Bye! (He exits). _

_Kelso: Fez man, you gotta chill. Think about Rhonda naked in a bath full of whipped cream._

_Fez: (Looks up and starts smiling) Yes, yes that's nice. Thank you._

**Fade out.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Intro: Forman driveway. The Vista Cruiser is being towed into the driveway. Eric, Kelso, Red & Kitty are outside.**

Tow Truck Guy: (Talking to the Driver) Ok man, that's far enough. Let's drop her. (The car drops and everyone winces. There is still a little smoke coming from the hood) That'll be $35 bucks, sir.

(Red pays him).

Tow Truck Guy: (Heading towards the driver side of the truck) Move over Eddie. It's my turn to drive. (They pull out).

Eric: Oh my God!

**Cut To: Forman Kitchen. Red & Kitty are sitting at the table but facing the phone on the wall. Eric and Kelso are scolding them, one by one, like husband and wife. Eric is the manly role; Kelso is the more feminine role. They begin pacing around them.**

Eric: What the hell were you guys thinking?

Kelso: That wasn't a very smart thing to do!

(Camera pans to Red & Kitty looking confused).

Eric: You could have been killed! Worse yet, you could have ruined my tape deck!

Kelso: Very disappointing. (Shaking his head).

(Camera pans to Red & Kitty again looking confused).

Eric: Do you have any idea how incredibly stupid that was! I mean, how did this even happen anyway?

(Camera pans to Red & Kitty who look at each other. Kitty bursts into her signature laugh and Red looks uncomfortable).

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Forman Basement. Fez, Peter & Jackie are watching TV. Peter & Jackie are on the couch, and Fez is sitting in the lawn chair.**

Peter: I still don't understand why Mr. Furley can't figure out that Jack's not gay. I mean, Mr. Furley looks gay. What's with all of those scarves?

Fez: (Talking a mile a minute and getting nervous). What's wrong with scarves? Some people like scarves. Scarves can bring out one's eyes. It's perfectly natural after all.

Jackie: Fez! Come down.

Peter: Yeah, sorry buddy. Geez. Don't get all worked up.

Jackie: I'm sorry. He has this thing for Mr. Furley.

Fez: Yes, I'm sorry I snapped at you.

Peter: No biggie. I gotta be going anyway. I have to go buy a book for my history course. Man, college is expensive, and I'm only in community college. (He gets up and Jackie follows him to the door). I'll see you later.

(As he and Jackie kiss, Hyde comes out of his room to witness).

Peter: Bye. (He leaves).

Jackie: Isn't he the best? (Notices Hyde and then sits back down on the couch).

Hyde: Yeah, he's the best at being a complete pantywaist. (He sits down in his chair).

Jackie: You're just jealous because I'm with someone and you're not. (She sits back down).

Hyde: (Sarcastic) Oh yes Jackie, that's it. Unlike you, my life is so unfulfilled because I'm not dating a jockstrap!

Jackie: How dare you call him that! He's the best thing that ever happened to me!

Hyde: No. Money's the best thing that ever happened to you. Now why don't you go buy yourself a one-way ticket to "Get the Hell Out Of Here!"

Jackie: (Standing up and facing Hyde) You are the most insensitive jerk I have ever met in my life!

Hyde: (Standing to face her as well) Yeah, well you're the shallowest jerk that I have ever met in my life!

Fez: Whoa, OK. This is getting ugly so maybe you should both just

Hyde/Jackie: (Interrupting) Shut up!

Fez: Fine! I know when I'm not wanted. (He gets up to leave and then turns back to them). But for the record, I think you are both acting like a couple of jerks! (He slams the door and leaves. Then, he comes back in briefly, slightly crying). I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I still love you both. (Then he leaves).

Jackie: Whatever. I'm leaving anyway.

Hyde: Good. And while you're at it, tell that idiot that I don't want him over here anymore.

Jackie: It's not your basement Steven.

Hyde: I live here which means I have privileges.

Jackie: (Moving closer to him) If you had privileges, you wouldn't be living in someone else's basement!

Hyde: God, I really can't stand you!

Jackie: That's fine because I feel the exact same way about you!

Hyde: (Grabbing her arm) Good!

Jackie: Fine!

(They stare at each other pissed off for a brief second. Then Hyde grabs Jackie's other arm and pulls her into a kiss. She resists at first but then gives in. They both embrace each other and start kissing passionately).

**Scene 2: Forman's Driveway. Red's underneath the Vista Cruiser trying to fix the axel. Bob walks up. **

Bob: Hey Red. What'cha doing?

Red: (Rolling out form under the car) I'm picking flowers Bob. What does it look like I'm doing?

Bob: Well, it looks like you're trying to fix Eric's car. Why don't you let me have my guy do it? He's great.

Red: Bob, I'm not paying anyone to fix this car. I'm perfectly capable of fixing this myself.

(Just then, oil leaks all over the ground).

Red: Oh crap! (He rolls back underneath).

Bob: OK, but if you change your mind I'll be in your kitchen eating your wife's brownies. Yum! (He walks towards the kitchen).

**Cut To: Forman Kitchen. Eric & Donna are sitting at the counter and Kitty's baking brownies. Bob walks in.**

Bob: Hey Kitty. Can I have a brownie?

Kitty: Well sure Bob. But only one. The rest are for Eric.

Eric: Mom, I told you. I'm not mad at you I'm mad at Dad.

Kitty: Well honey, why? We were both at fault.

Eric: Because he was driving.

Kitty: Yes but

Eric: (Interrupting) So he should have been paying attention.

Kitty: Right but

Eric: (Interrupting) And you didn't have any control over the situation.

Kitty: (Yelling) Eric, your father got into that car accident because I was, well, trying to stimulate him.

Eric/Donna: Oh my God!

Bob: Kinky.

Donna: Uh Eric, I'll see you later. Ew! (She runs out of the sliding glass doors).

Eric: Mom, a part of me just died inside!

Kitty: Well it wasn't that bad. I didn't even have time to get him that excited. (Kitty's signature laugh).

Eric: Mom! (He runs out through the living room).

Bob: That's great. It reminds me of this one time with Midge

Kitty: (Interrupting) Oh can it Bob.

**Scene 3: Grooves Record Store. Kelso & Fez come in and walk up to the counter where Leo is hanging out.**

Kelso: Hey Leo. Have you seen Hyde? He told us to meet him here after work.

Leo: He never showed up man. Which is weird because he's like my boss and stuff. That's just not cool man.

Fez: Well, he was pretty mad at Jackie earlier. Maybe he killed her!

Leo: What? Well that would be even worse man. I'd be pissed he didn't make me a witness.

Kelso: I know. I think you'd make a great witness Leo.

Leo: Yeah, but I'd be even better if they gave me some truth serum.

Fez: Truth serum?

**Cut To: Circle in the back of the Record Store.**

Fez: Oh, truth serum. Yeah, I feel like telling the truth.

Kelso: Yeah, let's tell the truth from now on. Like Leo, you're like pretty cool and stuff. But you're hair kind of freaks me out. You know, like you haven't washed it in a year.

Leo: Well, you're not far from the truth man. It feels like a year. Wait, how long is a year man?

Fez: I'll tell you a truth. Once, when Rhonda and I were doing it, she spanked my ass and called me her "love monkey." (Long pause and Fez looks nervous) I really wish I wouldn't have told you that.

(Camera pans to show Kelso & Leo cracking up).

Kelso: Love monkey! That's funny.

Leo: You know, you kind of look like a monkey man. That's scary.

Fez: OK, that's enough laughing.

Kelso: Fez, we're just messing with you.

Leo: (Eating a banana) Yeah, there's no need to be so sensitive about it man. Banana?

(Kelso & Leo start cracking up again and fall off their chairs while Fez leaves).

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Forman driveway. Eric's walking out of the sliding glass doors and Red comes out from the garage. They stop and look at each other and try to go off in the other direction. Kitty stops them.**

Kitty: No, no. We're going to settle this like adults.

Red: (Whining) Oh Kitty. I don't really care what Eric has to say.

Kitty: No Red. He's the adult here. (She stands by Red and they both face Eric).

Red: What?

Kitty: Eric, we are so sorry that we were irresponsible with your car. We acted inappropriately and we're sorry.

Red: Oh geez.

Eric: Thank you Mom. Dad?

Red: Uh, what she said.

Kitty: Red?

Red: What? I'd prefer not to go into this. So, Eric we're sorry. And I'll fix up the car for you.

Eric: Thanks.

Kitty: And the next time we want to show affection for each other we won't do it driving.

Red: Oh crap! (He runs into the garage).

Eric: Mom! (He runs into the kitchen and heads towards the basement).

Kitty: (Standing by herself) Well, I'm glad that's settled.

**Scene 5: Forman's basement. Kelso, Fez and Donna are watching TV. Eric comes down.**

Eric: Well, that was humiliating.

Donna: I know. I can't believe they tried THAT in your car.

Kelso: You're going to have to burn those seats Eric. (Eric nods in agreement).

Fez: I think it's sexy.

(They all stop and look at him).

Donna: So anyway Eric, I spoke with the radio station manager and he's going to see what connections he has in South America.

Eric: Wow. How does he know people in South America?

Donna: The drug revolution of the '60's. Apparently, everyone in the music business knows somebody there.

Eric: (Sarcastic) That's comforting.

Kelso: Man, I wonder if you're parents are doing it right now. Maybe they can't keep their hands off of each other. (He starts laughing).

Eric: Shut up! You just, shut up!

Fez: Oh Eric. Don't be such a stick in the mud. Your parents are experimenting with their love so it won't seem dull. I mean they are old, am I right?

Eric: That's it. I'm leaving.

Donna: Me too. You guys are sick. (They exit).

Kelso: Dude, that was so funny!

Fez: Yes, yes it was. So where the hell is Hyde anyway?

Kelso: I know, right? Maybe he's at The Hub. Let's go. I'm hungry anyway.

Fez: Fine but no sticking my fries up your nose again.

Kelso: OK, we can stick them up your nose.

Fez: OK, that's better.

(They exit).

**Cut To: Hyde's room. The camera pans above the room across to Hyde's bed where Hyde and Jackie are laying next to each other with only a blanket on them. They are staring at the ceiling and look stunned and nervous at what just happened.**

Jackie: (Whispering) You think they're gone?

Hyde: (Whispering) God, I hope so.

**Fade Out.**

**Tag: Forman's Garage. Red and Bob are drinking a beer above the car while someone is underneath fixing it.**

_Bob: See Red? I told you my guy was good._

_Red: You were right Bob. This beats the hell out of fixing it myself._

_(Leo comes out from underneath the car)._

_Leo: Can one of you hand me that flashlight?_

_Bob: Sure. Here you go._

_(Leo goes back underneath and they continue drinking their beers)._

**Fade out.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Intro: Kelso & Fez's apartment. Fez is on the couch eating cereal & watching TV and Kelso is trying to clean up. He's running around like a madman, throwing things all over the place and not really "cleaning."**

(Kelso turns on the vacuum cleaner).

Fez: Kelso! What the hell are you doing? I'm trying to watch the Smurfs!

Kelso: (Turning off the vacuum cleaner) I have to clean up. Brooke's coming and I can't have her see me living like this.

Fez: Living like what? This place isn't that bad.

Kelso: Oh really? Then what's this? (He goes over to the wall by the kitchen and points to a nudie girl calendar hanging up).

Fez: That's Daisy and she helps me cope with my everyday problems.

Kelso: Yeah well, Daisy is going bye-bye.

Fez: You wouldn't!

Kelso: Oh I so would. (He rips it down from the wall).

Fez: You selfish bastard!

Kelso: Oh, that reminds me. You have to get lost this weekend so we can be alone.

Fez: Where am I supposed to go? Rhonda is visiting family in Mississippi, and my host parents already turned my room into a confessional.

Kelso: Sorry pal but Brooke wanted to talk about something important and that can only mean one thing. We're going to DO IT. So, you're on your own.

Fez: (Starts standing up) Fine. But just remember, if you ever need a favor I just might not be there to help.

Kelso: But Fez?

Fez: I said no help! (He heads to his room).

Kelso: Whatever man. You'll thank me in the end. (Fez slams his door shut so Kelso begins yelling so he can hear him). I'm a much better roommate after I get some!

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Forman Basement. Hyde is sitting in his chair and putting on his boots. Jackie comes in from the side door.**

Jackie: Donna? I need to talk (pausing, sees Hyde) Oh, hey Steven.

Hyde: Hey.

Jackie: I thought you would be at work already.

Hyde: Yeah, I'm running late.

Jackie: Oh.

(Long uncomfortable silence).

Jackie: (Nervous) Well, this is awkward.

Hyde: Yeah.

Jackie: Look Steven, we need to talk.

Steven: I agree. Jackie, what happened

(Just then, Fez, Eric & Donna come in through the side door).

Eric: (To Fez) Man, that's rough. So where are you going to stay?

Fez: I have no idea.

Donna: (Addressing Hyde and Jackie) Hey guys. (The three of them sit down and turn on the TV).

Hyde: Well, I gotta get going. See you guys later.

Jackie: Steven?

(He leaves and Jackie looks upset).

Eric: Man, are you guys fighting again?

Jackie: No.

Fez: Yeah, I mean it was funny at first but now you guys make it kind of uncomfortable to be around. (He rearranges his crotch with his hand).

Eric/Donna: (To Fez) Ew! (They jump back in their seats).

Fez: What?

Jackie: We're not fighting, ok? Donna, can I talk to you about something? Alone?

Donna: I can't Jackie. I have to meet my station manager in 15 minutes to go over some job opportunities in South America.

Eric: Yeah, my woman is going to be a working momma in the music biz.

Donna: OK, that sounded really lame.

Eric: Call it what you like, but "Hot Donna" is going international.

(Donna rolls her eyes).

Jackie: Well, can you stop by my house when you're done? It's really important.

Donna: Sure. Is everything ok?

Jackie: (Covering) Yeah, fine. So I'll see you later?

Donna: Yeah. Bye.

Jackie: Bye. (She exits).

Donna: That was really weird.

Fez: I know. Usually when I fix myself down there, I feel better. Mmh. (He rearranges his crotch again).

Eric/Donna: Ew! (They jump off the couch and exit out the side door).

Fez: (To himself) What's their problem?

**Scene 2: Kitty is at the supermarket shopping. She runs into Bob making out with a woman in the frozen foods section. She tries to go in the other direction undetected but gets caught. **

Bob: Hey Kitty!

Kitty: Oh, hey Bob. Didn't see you there. (Trying to cover).

Bob: There's someone I'd like you to meet. This is Sherry.

Sherry: Hello Kitty. What a great name. You must have men falling all over you with a name like that.

Kitty: Oh, (signature laugh) not really. You see, I'm married.

Sherry: Yeah, so am I.

(Kitty looks shocked and disgusted).

Sherry: Well, I have to be going. (To Bob) Pick me up at 8:00?

Bob: You betcha! (They kiss).

Sherry: (To Kitty) It was nice meeting you. Bye!

Kitty: Bye. (Waits for her to leave then hits Bob in the arm) What is the matter with you?

Bob: What?

Kitty: What? She's married!

Bob: I know that. So was I once. But they're separated.

Kitty: So, she's still married.

Bob: Kitty look, I'm only saying this for your own good. You gotta stop acting like such a square.

Kitty: (Pissy) Ex-cuse me?

Bob: You and Red are great people but you're living in the 50's.

Kitty: And what's wrong with that?

Bob: Nothing if you're June Cleaver. Times are different now and people live more free lifestyles.

Kitty: We live free. Why just the other day I switched from homemade pancakes to Bisquick.

Bob: Look, maybe you and Red should do something crazy together. I bet it would do you both a world of good.

Kitty: Have you met Red?

Bob: Just try it. (Looks at his watch) Ooh, gotta go. I have to clean out the hot tub before my date. I dropped a chicken bone in their last night and I can't seem to find it. (Kitty mouths the word "Ew.") Bye!

(Bob leaves).

**Scene 3: Grooves Record Store. Eric walks over to the couch where Hyde is looking through some albums. He sits down. **

Eric: Hey man. What's up?

Hyde: Nothing. I'm trying to hide all of the new Zeppelin albums behind these Ann Murray ones. Ha ha.

Eric: Good call. So I've noticed something's been bothering you lately. Stuff with Jackie?

**Cut to: Split screen with Jackie and Donna at Jackie's house, and the guys at Grooves.**

Donna: So Jackie? What's up?

Jackie: Oh Donna, you'll never guess.

Hyde: Jackie's been a real pain in the ass lately.

Eric: Hmm.

Jackie: Steven's been a real pain in the ass lately.

Donna: Huh.

Hyde: It's like every time she's around me my skin crawls, you know?

Eric: No need to tell me.

Jackie: It makes me wonder why I ever dated that loser!

Donna: Guys suck.

Hyde: She even tries to flaunt that Peter guy in my face just for fun, you know?

Jackie: He hasn't even given Peter a chance.

Hyde/Jackie: Long story short, we had sex.

Eric: What?

Donna: Oh my God!

Hyde: I don't know what happened. One minute she's calling me a jerk and then the next we're in my room.

Eric: Whoa.

Jackie: It's like he treats me like crap, but deep down I'm still attracted to him.

Donna: Yeah, I know.

Eric: So what are you going to do? It seems like you want to get back together with her.

Hyde: I know. And that's what sucks.

Donna: So, what are you going to do?

Jackie: I don't know. Peter and I have a really good thing going and I don't want to ruin that.

Eric: Well, good luck man. I've never been a member of the Jackie fan club but she seems to make you happy when you're together.

Donna: Are you sure that's what you want?

Jackie: Yes.

Hyde: So, I guess that's the answer.

Hyde/Jackie: (They speak at the same time) (Hyde) I'll try and get back together with her. (Jackie) I'll tell him I want to be with Peter and that's it.

Eric/Donna: Well, good luck!

Eric: (To Hyde) So, Donna and I had this crazy make-up sex the other day.

Donna: (To Jackie) Eric tried to do the make-up sex thing but it pretty much ended before it started.

(Hyde and Jackie give each of them weird looks).

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Kelso & Fez's apartment. Brooke walks in.**

Brooke: Hi Michael.

Kelso: Hey Brooke. Where's Betsy?

Brooke: Oh, she had a fever so my Mom's watching her. Can I sit down?

Kelso: (In a sexy voice) Why yes, please do. (He tries to jump over the couch and land in a laying position next to her but he bounces off the couch instead and ends up on the floor).

Brooke: Are you OK?

Kelso: (Composing himself) I'm fine. So, where were we? (He picks up 2 cans of beer from the floor and opens one for Brooke. He then tries to open the second one but it sprays all over him). Crap!

Brooke: (Standing up) Oh Michael. Let me grab a towel. (She goes into the kitchen).

Kelso: Man, this wasn't how this was supposed to be.

Brooke: (Sitting next to him) What do you mean?

Kelso: Well, we're here alone so I wanted this night to be really special, you know.

Brooke: Oh Michael. I think we need to talk.

Kelso: OK. (Sexy voice) But there's bathtub full of marshmallow fluff that's getting cold.

(Brooke looks a little grossed out).

Brooke: Michael, I came to tell you that I'm getting married.

Kelso: What?

Brooke: Yeah. His name is Mark and he's really good to Betsy and me.

Kelso: What are you talking about? I'm supposed to be with you and Betsy.

Brooke: Come on Michael. It's not like you're in love with me.

Kelso: Well, I do like you a whole lot. I mean, you have great legs, a great rack. Oh, and you look especially good since you've lost all of that baby fat.

Brooke: Michael, our only connection has been Betsy. And just because I'm getting married doesn't mean you won't be part of her life.

Kelso: It doesn't?

Brooke: No, of course not. You will always be her father. And I want you to be as much a part of her life as I am. I've just met someone who I want to be with. Can you understand?

Kelso: (Looking dejected) Yeah, I guess.

Brooke: I'd really like it if you met Mark too. He really is great.

Kelso: Fine. I just (pause) well, I hope you'll be really happy.

Brooke: Thank you Michael. And I know you'll find someone great too.

Kelso: Yeah. But since that day hasn't come yet, and there is bathtub in there waiting for us; how about recreating the Molly Hatchet concert? You know, for old times sake?

Brooke: (Laughs and hits Kelso on the arm) Oh Michael. (She kisses him on the cheek). You are a good guy, you know that?

Kelso: Yeah, it's my curse.

**Scene 5: Forman Living Room. Red's reading the paper and Kitty comes down the stairs dressed as a sexy cat. She poses by the stairs.**

Kitty: Yoo-hoo.

Red: (Looking up) What the?

Kitty: Like what you see?

Red: Kitty? Get away from the window! Someone might see you!

Kitty: Oh who cares? (She sits on the couch near him) Don't you want to see me purr?

Red: What the hell has gotten into you?

Kitty: (Frustrated) Oh forget it! I was trying to spice things up and you just don't care.

Red: This is one of Bob's dumb ideas, isn't it?

Kitty: No. (Pause) All right, yes.

Red: (Putting down the paper) We don't need Bob's stupid advice on our life.

Kitty: We don't?

Red: Of course not.

Kitty: Red, do you think I'm like June Cleaver?

Red: What? No. (Looks at Kitty for a beat) I mean, yes? Oh hell Kitty, what's the right answer here?

Kitty: Well, Bob said that we're squares and we don't live free like everyone else.

Red: And you can tell Bob that he's a dumbass fruitcake, swinger with bad hair.

Kitty: Red!

Red: Look Kitty, we're a timeless tradition. We don't need to change or spice things up because we're happy, right?

Kitty: Yes.

Red: I mean, Bob's divorced. Can't you see why?

Kitty: I guess you're right. I'll go change.

(She kisses him on the cheek and heads upstairs. Red watches the tail of her costume move back and forth and gets excited).

Red: (Yelling upstairs) Kitty! Uh, wait for me!

**Scene 6: Grooves Record Store. Hyde is closing up. Jackie walks in.**

Jackie: Hey.

Hyde: Hey.

Jackie: (Looking at a record) Ooh, is that the new KC & The Sunshine Band?

Hyde: You can't be serious.

Jackie: (Ignoring him) Look Steven. I think we need to talk about what happened.

Hyde: I know. (Pause) Um, I think it was

Jackie: (Interrupting) a mistake. I couldn't agree with you more.

Hyde: What?

Jackie: Yeah, I mean we make each other completely miserable. We obviously can't spend anytime together without fighting.

Hyde: True, but

Jackie: (Interrupting) And I want to get married which you've told me you don't. And, I can have that life with Peter, maybe.

Hyde: (Looking dejected) I see.

Jackie: I just think we should forget that this ever happened.

Hyde: (Mad) Fine, forgotten. Now, if you don't mind leaving I have to lock up.

Jackie: (Pissy) Fine. There's no need to be rude about it. (She starts walking towards the door). You know Steven, I really wish it would have worked out between us. (She closes the door).

(Hyde just stares at the door. He slowly reaches into his pocket and pulls out the engagement ring. He throws it in the trash and exits).

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _Fez is lying down shivering. It's close-up on him so you can't tell where he is. Then, the camera pans out to show him huddled on top of the Water Tower._

_Fez: That heartless bastard! I'll get him for th-th-this._

_(Then, it starts to drizzle)_

_Fez: (whining) Ai._

**Fade out.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Intro: Forman's basement. Eric is sitting on the couch watching TV. He's thinking to himself.**

Eric: (Thinking to himself- Hmm. No one is down here but me. I'm all alone. Pretty soon, I'll be living with Donna. And I won't be alone anymore. Hmm. That could only mean one thing.) (Out loud) I'm taking off my pants. (He stands up and starts to undo the top bottom until Hyde staggers out of his bedroom. Eric sits down quickly and tries to compose himself).

Eric: (Nervous) Hey Hyde? What's up Buddy? How's everything?

Hyde: (Noticing his weirdness) Were you trying to take off your pants again?

Eric: No, no. Of course not. Uh anyway, how did things go with Jackie?

(A tall thin blonde girl walks out of Hyde's room).

Girl: Hyde, I guess I'll be going. (She kisses him on the cheek). Bye.

(Hyde sits down in his chair).

Eric: (Stunned) Whoa. It went that good, huh?

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Forman Basement. Hyde & Eric.**

Eric: Dude, what happened?

Hyde: Nothing. I decided that getting back together with Jackie would be a huge mistake. So, I went out to this bar and had a couple of drinks, and that's when I met Mandy (pause) Candy (pause) No, I'm pretty sure it's Mandy.

Eric: So that's it?

Hyde: No, the bar was pretty cool. They have free hot wings tonight.

Eric: Really? (Realizing) I mean, wait no, what about Jackie?

Hyde: Stop acting like a woman, all right? So you gonna come with me or not?

Eric: Yeah, it sounds like (pause) Wait a minute! (Speaking in a high pitch screech) I do not sound like a woman!

(Hyde smiles and shakes his head).

**Cut To: Fez & Kelso's apartment. Fez is sitting on the couch and Kelso is sitting next to him.**

Kelso: (Begging) Please, please, please Fez forgive me? I'm so sorry I made you sleep on the Water Tower.

(Fez ignores him).

Kelso: (Still begging) I promise to do the dishes, vacuum, and dust for the next 2 weeks.

Fez: And?

Kelso: And, uh (pause) I'll color code all of your M&M's for you.

Fez: Ooh, that would be nice. OK, but I also want the apartment to myself when Rhonda gets back from vacation.

Kelso: (Laughing) Why, do you actually think you're going to get some? (Still laughing) I mean, come on man. (Laughing harder)

Fez: (Fed up) That's it!

Kelso: No wait. I'm sorry Fez. It's a deal. (He extends his hand)

Fez: (They shake hands) OK, deal. Come here, buddy. (He gives Kelso a hug) I could never stay mad at you.

Kelso: Yeah, we're too close of friends. Our bond will never be broken.

(Fez goes into the kitchen cabinet and pulls out an empty tub of marshmallow fluff).

Fez: Hey? What the hell happened to all of my fluff?

Kelso: (Nervous) Uh, gotta go. See ya. (He leaves)

Fez: (Yelling after him) I'll get you, you bastard!

**Scene 2: The Hub. Jackie & Donna are sitting at a table drinking sodas. **

Donna: So, how did Hyde take it?

Jackie: He completely agreed with me. Well, up until he basically threw me out. I mean part of me, -sigh- forget it.

Donna: No, what?

Jackie: Well, for a second I felt like he was kind of upset.

Donna: Jackie, you said so yourself. Hyde doesn't want to get married. I mean, it is possible that you were hoping he felt that way.

Jackie: No. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Peter's taking me out tonight and I should be focused on that. He's really great isn't he Donna?

Donna: (Bored and sarcastic) Yes Jackie, he's really great.

Jackie: You're just jealous because your boyfriend is a skinny geek who likes to take his pants off.

Donna: Not the pants thing again. He's really starting to creep me out with that, you know! (Jackie nods in agreement).

(A tall, handsome, muscular guy walks into the Hub and comes up to Donna)

Guy: Hey Donna.

Donna: Oh, hey Rich.

Jackie: (Stunned) Whoa! Who's this?

Donna: Oh, Jackie this is Rich. Rich, this is Jackie. Rich is a band promoter from the station and he's going to help me get started in South America.

Jackie: Has Eric met him yet?

Donna: Uh, no.

Jackie: (Laughing) Good. Because I want to be there when he does.

(Donna rolls her eyes).

**Scene 3: Forman Garage. Red & Kitty are cleaning up when Eric walks by. **

Eric: (Cocky) Mom, Dad? I'm going out tonight so the lawn will have to wait until tomorrow OK? (He heads towards the sliding glass door).

Red: Freeze dumbass!

Eric: What?

Red: You have done nothing to help contribute since you've been back. Your mother and I have been slaving in this garage since this morning.

Kitty: Actually Red, we just came out to

Red: (Interrupting) Save it Kitty. He knows he's wrong.

Eric: Dad, what about what you said before? How you're proud of me, because I'm a man now. Remember?

Red: Well if you're such a man smart mouth, then clean out that garage. Here. (Hands him a push broom) And when you're done, do the lawn. Come on Kitty.

Kitty: Red, aren't you being a little hard on Eric?

Red: (Ignoring her) I'm taking your mother out to dinner tonight so this better look great when we get back.

Kitty: (Realizing, and changing her tune) Yes. Shame on you Eric. (They exit towards the kitchen and Eric starts sweeping).

(Donna, Jackie & Rich walk up the driveway to meet him).

Donna: Hey Eric. There's someone I want you to meet. This is Rich.

Rich: Hey.

Eric: Hi.

Donna: He's a band promoter from the radio station. He's going to help me with the ins and outs of the music business.

Eric: Really? (Sarcastic) Well, isn't that just great for me.

Jackie: (Instigating) Yeah, and he's staying late tonight and having dinner while they "discuss" some issues. Isn't that great?

Eric: Thanks Jackie.

Donna: So, I'll see you later?

Eric: Actually Donna, I'm going out with the guys tonight. (Trying to act macho) Maybe all night. (He drops the broom) Who knows where the wind will take us. So don't wait up for me, OK? (He stands on the head of the broom by accident and the handle smacks him in the face). Ow!

Jackie: Oh my God! (Laughing) This is even better than I imagined it!

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: A seedy, smoky bar in town. Hyde, Leo, Fez, Kelso & Eric are sitting around the table drinking beers. The scene is set like the traditional circle except they're drinking.**

Hyde: (Smiling) See? I told you guys this place was great. And, the more we drink, the better looking these chicks get. (Looks over at a girl off screen) Hey there.

Leo: You know, the smoke is so thick in here man, that I really can't see any of you guys. (Long pause) Guys? Are you still here? Hello?

Eric: (Eating a chicken wing) Man, I can't believe Donna's hanging out with that guy. I mean, he looks like he could bench press 220. Or Bob!

Fez: Don't worry Eric. At least Donna's around. My "Little Ronnie" is off in the forbidden land of Mississippi. Who knows who she'll meet down there, am I right?

Kelso: (Eating a chicken wing. The sauce is all over his face) Well at least none of your chicks are marrying someone else. I mean, sure Brooke and I aren't in love or anything. But I just lost the best Chicago tang ever!

Hyde: What the hell is the matter with you guys? Stop whining. (Imitating all 3 of them) Ooh, Donna is hanging out with muscleman, ooh Rhonda is in Mississippi, ooh Brooke would rather sleep with Hyde.

Kelso: What? She never said that.

Hyde: (Smiling) I know. I just felt like burning you man.

Leo: Oh, good you guys are still here. Anyway, women are mysterious man. Like just the other day I was with this chick and then her husband came home. She told me she was single, man. I'm still trying to solve that mystery.

Eric: Well ok, Mr. Cynical. I guess there isn't a girl in this world that makes you crazy, right?

Hyde: (Still smiling) That's right. No need for the extra baggage weighing me down.

Fez: Even if you fell in love with her?

Hyde: No need for love. I have beer. (Holds up a can and drinks from it).

Kelso: Yeah, beer's cool. (Takes a swig from the can and almost falls off his chair).

Hyde: See the difference between me and you dillholes is that I can actually see the beauty in being alone.

Leo: That's true man. Sometimes being alone can be beneficial. No need to shut the door when you're in the can, you know what I mean?

Hyde: Exactly. The good life.

Leo: Oh Hyde man, I forgot. (He pulls something from his pocket) I found this in the trash. You must have dropped it. (He sets the engagement ring box on the table),

(The camera pans individually to Eric, Fez & Kelso who are all staring at the box shocked)

Hyde: (Covering) That's not mine man. What are you talking about?

Eric: Dude? Is that what I think it is?

Hyde: (Getting nervous) It's not mine, ok?

Fez: It couldn't be.

Hyde: (Still nervous) Must have been one of the customers.

Kelso: Whoa. This is like the best burn ever. Way to go Leo!

Hyde: (Getting angry) It's not mine! (pause) Get bent! (He gets up and leaves).

Leo: Hey Hyde, where are you going? Are the rest of you guys still here? (He starts looking around) Hello? Anybody? (Gets a scared look on his face) Help.

**Scene 5: Forman's driveway. Red & Kitty are exiting the car from their dinner date. **

Kitty: Oh Red, that was such a nice dinner.

Red: Yeah. We gotta do that more often.

Kitty: I just can't help feeling guilty for making Eric do those chores.

Red: (Red looks into the garage) Well, no need for that. He didn't do anything!

Kitty: Oh, that sneaky little bastard!

Red: (Shocked) Kitty!

Kitty: I'm sorry. It must be the wine talking.

Red: Let's get you inside. I'll deal with Eric tomorrow.

(Just then, Leo, Kelso & Fez walk up dragging a drunk Eric on their shoulders).

Red: Oh crap. What the hell happened to him?

Leo: He can't hold his liquor man. Well, at least not as well as your wife can.

Red: What?

(Kitty breaks into her signature laugh and is clearly tipsy).

Red: I'm taking Kitty inside. When I get back, you all better not be here. Now put Eric down.

(They drop him on the ground).

Red: (Rolling his eyes) In the kitchen you morons.

(They all pick him up and bring him into the kitchen. The 3 guys leave and Kitty and Red walk by Eric who is passed out in a kitchen chair).

Kitty: My poor baby. I think I need a drink.

Red: No, no Kitty. It's bedtime for you.

(He takes her upstairs).

(Leo, Kelso & Fez are in the driveway).

Kelso: Man! I still can't get over Hyde wanting to get married.

Fez: I know. It's like he's been lying to us all of this time.

Leo: (Staring at the ring up close) This thing is so mesmerizing, man. I think I can see myself.

Kelso: You know, if Hyde doesn't want this, maybe we can pawn it and buy some furniture.

Fez: Good idea Kelso. Hey Leo, can we have that?

Leo: No way man! It's mine now! You know the saying. Finder's keepers, losers, don't get it!

(Kelso & Fez give Leo a strange look and walk away)

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _Forman kitchen. It's morning and Eric is still passed out at the table. Red walks in._

_(Red grabs a phone book, tiptoes up to Eric, and then slams it down on the table)_

_Eric: (Instantly waking up) Donna, stop touching me there! What? I'm up!_

_Red: Good morning, dumbass._

**Fade out.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Intro: Forman Kitchen. Kitty and Red are sitting at the table eating breakfast. Eric walks in.**

Eric: Good morning Mom, Dad. (He grabs a piece of toast) See you guys later.

Red: Where do you think you're going?

Eric: Donna and I are meeting up with my counselor to pick out housing in South America.

Kitty: No, no, no. You're going to sit with us and eat breakfast.

Eric: But Mom, if we're late we get the last options available. And the mudhuts may sound nice but trust me, they're not!

Red: No, you're going to sit and eat with us damnit. If I have to sit here so do you.

(Kitty gives Red a mean look).

Kitty: Eric honey, please understand. We only have a couple weeks left with you and we want to spend as much time with you as we can.

Red: No we don't.

Kitty: (Stern) Red. (To Eric) A mother's happiness stems from her children. (Starts crying) Don't you want your mother to be happy?

Eric: Yes, but

Kitty: (Interrupting and getting angry) Then you don't need to spend any more time with that harlot than you already have because she will have you all to herself! How selfish can she be?

Red: OK now Kitty, calm down.

Kitty: (Sobbing) I don't need to calm down!

Red: It's yellow pill time.

Kitty: (Trying to compose herself) It's just, I want some family time, can you understand that?

Eric: Sure Mom.

Kitty: I mean, only good things can come from spending time with family.

(The sliding glass door opens).

Laurie: Mommy, Daddy, I'm home!

Red: See what you've done Kitty? You've jinxed us!

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Forman Kitchen. Laurie walks in with 2 suitcases.**

Kitty: Laurie? Oh my God! What are you doing home? (She gives her a hug).

Eric: Yeah, did you go through all of the guys in Canada already? (Laurie makes a bitchy face at Eric).

Red: Shut up, Eric. Hey there kitten. (He gives her a hug).

Laurie: Wow, it's great to be home. I have so much to tell you guys.

Eric: Really? So, (rubbing his stomach) how far along are you anyway?

Laurie: Oh shut up you skinny zit-infested dork.

Eric: (Sarcastic) I love you too.

Kitty: (Sarcastic) So, how long are you gracing us with your presence this time, Laurie?

Laurie: Well, that's what I wanted to tell you. Mom, Daddy, I'm getting married!

Red/Kitty: What!

Laurie: Yeah. His name is Martin and I met him in Michigan.

Red: Well, I'm not letting you get married until I meet this freeloader.

Laurie: He's not a freeloader, Daddy. He owns his own car dealership. He treats me really great, too.

Kitty: Laurie, isn't there a problem here?

Eric: Yeah, like does he know yet that you're a bitchy, money-grubbing slut?

Red: Eric, you really want my foot in your ass don't you?

Kitty: No, I believe what Eric was trying to say was, what about Fez? You're already married or have you forgotten?

Laurie: Well that's why I am here. I'm going to get a divorce and then Martin and I can be together. Hey, do you think Fez has any money? Maybe I can collect alimony.

Eric: Well, he does have a stack of used Playboys. Oh, and an extensive collection of Baby Ruth wrappers.

Laurie: (Rolling her eyes) Uh, what a waste.

Kitty: Laurie, does Martin know about Fez?

Laurie: Yeah, I told him. He thought it was very noble of me to help a foreigner stay in the country.

Red: Damn! I hate him already!

Eric: It was noble, all right. It was even nobler when you slept with a bunch of other foreigners while you were married to Fez. Good call.

Red: Eric, will you please shut up! (To Laurie) Look Laurie, you've got to start acting like an adult before we will treat you like one. You tell this Martin that I want to meet him.

Kitty: Right. We will have him over for dinner tonight.

Red: (Whining) Oh, Kitty. Why does everything have to do with food? Can't we just meet him and then kick him out?

Laurie: You guys are going to like him, I promise.

Kitty: (Sarcastic) Yes because all of your other boys were so likable. (To Eric) Eric, help your sister upstairs with her things.

(Eric picks up a suitcase and they both head upstairs).

Eric: (To Laurie) So, catch any new diseases in Canada? (Laurie punches his arm) Ow!

Kitty: Oh Red. I don't know what to think about this.

Red: I do. If I don't like him, I'm getting my gun.

**Scene 2: The Hub. Fez and Rhonda are sharing a milkshake with 2 straws. **

Fez: Oh Rhonda. I really missed you.

Rhonda: Me too Fez.

Fez: I've realized my life has no meaning without your sweetness. Well, it has some meaning. But how long can you eat a bag of lollipops without throwing-up, am I right?

Rhonda: Oh Fez. (In a sexy voice) What do you say we forget this milkshake and shake something up ourselves?

Fez: But I'm not done yet. (Realizing) Oh! You are a dirty little vixen. I like that. Nothing could keep me from you.

(Rhonda & Fez get up to leave but Laurie is blocking the door).

Fez: (Nervous) Laurie?

Laurie: (Nonchalant) Oh, hey Fez. I met this guy and I'm getting married so we need a divorce. Bye. (She exits).

Fez: (Looking over at Rhonda. He looks nervous) Uh, that's just a friend of mine. She likes to play pranks on me. Hee hee hee, what a kidder.

Rhonda: You're married! You two-timing pig! (She runs out crying).

Fez: (Calling after her) No Rhonda! She's just someone I married to stay in the country! She's Eric's slutty sister! She doesn't even wear a bra! (Pause) Oh dear, I think I've said too much.

**Scene 3: Forman Basement. Donna, Eric, & Kelso are watching TV. **

(Jackie bursts in)

Jackie: (Excited) Oh my God, you guys! I have the best news!

Eric: You're moving away?

Kelso: You want to do it with me?

(Jackie gives each of them a dirty look and then ignores them).

Jackie: I'm opening up my own business!

Donna: Wow, Jackie. How grown-up of you. What kind of business?

Eric: A brothel?

Kelso: Eric, who cares about a place that makes broth. Is it a whorehouse?

(Eric rolls his eyes at Kelso).

Kelso: I can picture it now. Lovely ladies as far as the eyes can see.

**Dream Sequence: It's a small room lined with red velvet drapes, couches, and tables. Donna, Jackie, Brooke and Rhonda are intermixed throughout other good-looking girls. They are all wearing sexy negligees. **

Donna: (Ditzy) Oh, I can't wait until the guys get here. I'm so bored and lonely.

(Kelso walks in).

Kelso: Hello ladies. Who's first to ride Kelso's rocket of love?

(The girls all start jumping up and down saying "Me!").

Kelso: Now, now ladles. There is plenty of Kelso to go around.

(The girls all shriek).

Jackie: See girls? Wasn't this a great business I started?

All of the girls in unison: You're the best Jackie!

(They all jump on Kelso).

**Dream Sequence ends.**

Donna: (Hitting Kelso in his arm) That is the most disgusting thing I ever heard!

Eric: Yeah Kelso. Next time only tell that story in front of the guys, man.

(Donna turns to Eric and punches him in the arm too).

Eric: Ow! What?

Jackie: Are you guys done ruining my story?

(They all just look at her).

Jackie: I'm opening up my own Matchmaking service!

Donna: Huh?

Jackie: Yeah! It's going to be called Jackie's Love Match. Peter is helping me start it up. Pretty soon, Voila! A telephone number that will be available for all of the ugos in Wisconsin!

Donna: Do you really think that's a good idea?

Jackie: Of course, Donna. All of the couples I have set up recently are madly in love. I'm a natural!

(Rhonda bursts in holding Fluffycakes).

Rhonda: (To Jackie) Here! (She rips off Fluffycakes head again and gives it to Jackie) This is what I think of Fez and this relationship! (She exits).

(They all look at Jackie).

Jackie: What? She chose a foreigner. There's no guarantee on them! I'll even make that a rule!

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Forman's Living Room. Kitty is setting out cheese and crackers while Red, Eric and Laurie are sitting down. Hyde walks in from the kitchen.**

Hyde: Hey? What's going on? Laurie?

Laurie: Oh look. The criminal is still sponging off of Daddy's money.

Hyde: Oh look, the whore is still sponging off last nights massage oil.

Eric: Nice!

Red: OK, just shut it. Both of you!

Kitty: Steven honey, Laurie's fiancé is coming for dinner would you like to join us?

Hyde: Hell yeah! I don't want to miss this.

Laurie: Don't you have an old lady to rob?

Hyde: Don't you have an old man to sleep with?

Red: (Mad) That's enough! Everyone sit down and shut up before I get really pissed off!

(Everyone in the room looks nervous. The doorbell rings).

Red: (Calming down) I'll get it. (He opens the door).

(A grey-haired man is standing in the doorway with a bouquet of flowers).

Red: Uh, no thanks. We already made our donations to the Retired Veterans Association. Bye-bye. (He shuts the door).

Laurie: Daddy? That's him. That's Martin.

(Red & Kitty look shocked).

Hyde: (Whispering to Eric) Dude, I was just kidding about the old man thing!

Eric: (Laughing) Yeah! Who knew she'd be dating the Quaker Oats guy!

Red: Laurie, he's twice your age!

Laurie: So? He's only like 42.

Kitty: 42? What could you possibly have in common with a 42 year-old?

Eric: I have one theory.

Kitty: Eric! Let's not be a porky-mouth!

(Red opens the door again).

Martin: I guess Laurie didn't tell you how old I was. That's ok. I'm not ashamed.

Red: Well maybe you should be. My daughter's in her 20's for Christ sake.

Martin: Oh, I know sir. And that's why I won't lay a hand on her until we're married sir.

(Eric & Hyde burst out laughing).

Hyde: Good line!

Eric: Yeah the best!

Martin: It's true. Our relationship has been strictly platonic since we've met. (He comes in and hugs Laurie).

Kitty: Oh please. Even I don't believe that one.

Laurie: It's true. I've turned over a new leaf. You're looking at the new and improved Laurie.

Hyde: (Whispering to Eric) Improved? A lobotomy couldn't even improve her.

**Scene 5: Rhonda's apartment building. Fez is knocking on her door.**

Rhonda: (From behind the door) Go away Fez!

Fez: Not until you talk to me.

Rhonda: (Opening the door a little) What's there to say? You're married. So, that means we're through.

Fez: (Catching the door before she closes it) I know, ok? Listen. I only married Laurie to stay in the country. In fact, I haven't even seen her since. She went off sleeping around with other guys. (Realizing) My wife's a whore!

(Rhonda tries to close the door again but Fez barges into her apartment).

Fez: Look Rhonda, I know this seems bad. I wasn't trying to lie to you about it. Frankly, I forgot I was even married. It meant nothing and means nothing now. I want to be with you. That's all I care about.

Rhonda: Wow, you don't make this easy do you?

Fez: Please understand. I know I should have told you but to me, it was no big deal.

(Long silence).

Rhonda: Well, unfortunately Fez, it's a big deal to me. I'm sorry, I just don't think this is going to work out.

Fez: So, that's it?

Rhonda: I don't know, ok? This is a lot to soak in. I just need some time alone.

Fez: OK. (He heads towards the door) I'm really sorry, Rhonda.

Rhonda: Goodbye Fez. (She closes the door).

Fez: (Talking to himself) My sweet Rhonda is still upset. Laurie's going to pay for this! (He reaches into his pocket and pulls something out) Ooh, candy. (He pops one in his mouth and leaves).

**Scene 6: Forman's Living Room. They all enter after eating dinner. Red and Martin enter together laughing.**

Red: Yeah? Wasn't that the funniest damn thing!

Martin: Yeah. I can't believe those damn commies actual fell for that sneak attack! What a bunch of morons!

(They both start laughing).

Eric: (To Laurie) Good job Laurie. You're dating Dad! (Eric & Hyde start laughing).

Laurie: Shut up!

Kitty: OK, who wants a drink?

Martin: Oh, nothing for me thanks. I've got to be going. I still need to check into the hotel. Thanks again for a lovely evening. (Laurie walks him to the door) And, I'll see you tomorrow. (He kisses her and leaves).

Laurie: So? What do you think?

Red: He's great! But he's still too old for you.

Kitty: I agree.

Laurie: What? Daddy you've never gotten along with any of my boyfriends like this before.

Hyde: That's because they were either in prison, married, or Kelso.

(Laurie shoots him an evil look).

Kitty: OK, that's enough.

Red: No Kitty. Steven's right. Your track record isn't exactly great in this department.

Laurie: This is so unfair.

Kitty: Look Laurie, why don't you hold off on marrying this guy until we spend a little more time getting to know him better.

Eric: He may be dead by then.

(Kitty shoots Eric a look).

Red: I don't know about that Kitty.

Laurie: (Giving Red puppy dog eyes) Daddy?

Red: Oh geez? (Pause) Fine, we will see how it goes.

Laurie: Yay! (She hugs Red)

(Fez barges through the front door angry).

Fez: Laurie! There you are! I can't believe you ruined things with Rhonda! You're going to pay for that!

(Fez goes towards Laurie and Red grabs Fez by his ear)

Fez: Ai, ai, ai! I'm sorry Red. I'm just upset.

Red: Yeah, well calm the hell down Tonto. (He pulls him towards the couch where Fez sits down).

Laurie: Look Fez. We will go down to the Court House tomorrow and get a divorce, ok?

Fez: Fine. But as your current husband, I demand that I meet your future husband so I can challenge him to a duel.

Eric: Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen Fez.

Hyde: Yeah. Old Man River may have a bum hip or something. (They both start laughing).

Fez: Fine. One last night of passion perhaps?

Red: Get him out of here!

Eric: Come on Fez. (The three guys head for the basement).

Fez: I had to at least try, right?

(Eric & Hyde laugh).

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _Rhonda's apartment. She has junk food spread all around her. She's eating a basket of fries._

_(Talking to herself)._

_Rhonda: He loves me, (she takes a fry), he loves me not, (she takes a fry), he loves me, (she takes a fry), he loves me not, (she takes the last fry). -Sigh- Best two out of three. (She takes out another basket and starts all over again)._

**Fade out.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Intro: The Hub. Hyde, Kelso, Eric & Donna are sitting at a table. Fez walks in looking sad.**

Donna: Aw, Fezzie. Are you all right?

Eric: Yeah man. It'll be OK.

Fez: (Angry) No, it won't Eric. Because your demon sister took everything from me! (He breaks down sobbing like a girl. Donna and Eric put their hands on his back to comfort him).

Kelso: Dude, watch it. You're slobbering all over my fries.

Donna: Kelso? Show a little compassion.

Kelso: That's all I've been is compassionate. You don't know what it's like to live with this guy.

Hyde: Yeah man. Snap out of it. It's just a girl. Who cares?

Eric: Really Hyde? Just a girl? (Sarcastic) Hmm, oh that's right. You don't feel anything.

Hyde: That's right.

Eric: (Sarcastic) So, no girl would ever mean anything to you, right?

Hyde: (Getting angry) I just said that. Shut it Forman.

Fez: So then why did you still have that engagement ring?

(Donna's shocked).

Donna: What! Oh my God!

Hyde: It's not mine! God! Why doesn't anybody believe me?

Donna: You were really going to ask Jackie to marry you!

(Before Hyde can answer, Jackie walks in).

Jackie: Hey guys. What's up?

Kelso: (Laughing) You have no idea! (Hyde punches him in the arm).

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Forman Kitchen. Laurie, Red, Kitty & Fez walk in. They just got back from the Court House.**

Kitty: Well, that was relatively painless.

Red: Oh please Kitty. It was horrible. (To Laurie & Fez) You two better think the next time you pull a stunt like this.

Laurie: Oh come on Daddy. It's not like I got pregnant or anything.

Red: Oh God! I need a beer. (He grabs a beer out of the fridge and heads to the living room).

Kitty: Are you happy now? You've upset your father.

Laurie: Look, the divorce is final so it's OK now.

Kitty: Laurie, you just better make sure you know what you're doing with Martin. I don't think there's enough beer in the world to help your father deal with another divorce! (She exits towards the living room).

Laurie: Uh, whatever. (Looking over at Fez who is silent) What's your problem?

Fez: I'm sad. But I guess you don't care because when we were married and I was sad, all you would do is sleep with other guys!

Laurie: I can find one for you if you'd like?

(Fez slumps down in a kitchen chair).

Laurie: Wow. You're really broken up by this. Fez, I didn't know our marriage meant that much to you.

Fez: Oh save it you 2-dollar hooker. (Laurie gives him a mean look). I'm talking about Rhonda not you.

Laurie: So, she won't take you back huh?

Fez: She won't even talk to me.

Laurie: Look Fez. I know I wasn't all that nice to you about everything so what if I make it up to you?

Fez: How?

Laurie: I will talk to Rhonda and explain everything.

Fez: You? I think you are the last person she wants to see.

Laurie: No see, I'll talk you up and tell her how this whole thing was my fault.

Fez: Really?

Laurie: Yeah. I'll say how you're good-looking, smart, funny,

(The scene fades out and then back in to Laurie and Rhonda at Rhonda's apartment)

Laurie: (Continuing) stupid, weird, pervy

Rhonda: OK, stop right there! Fez isn't like that at all!

Laurie: Sure he is. That's why it could never be a real marriage for us.

Rhonda: (Getting mad) You don't deserve him anyway. He's the sweetest guy I know! You probably made him marry you!

Laurie: (Realizing that this may help) Uh, you're right! It's entirely my fault. So, can't you just forgive Fez?

Rhonda: What about your marriage?

Laurie: Oh we signed the papers this morning. We're through.

Rhonda: I don't know. I have to think about it.

Laurie: (Abruptly) Well, sounds good. Gotta go. I have a date.

Rhonda: That's it?

Laurie: Yeah. Look, I'm trying to help you guys and all but it's not like I really care. Bye. (She exits).

Rhonda: (To herself) Man, everybody was right. She IS a bitch.

**Scene 2: Pinciotti's Living Room. Eric & Donna are sitting on the couch going over some brochures. **

Donna: Wow. This cottage seems pretty cool. It's a little small but it will do.

Eric: Donna, that's the school. These are the houses. (He points to another brochure).

Donna: (Shocked) Oh. Huh. (Disappointed) Eric, are we doing the right thing here?

Eric: Of course. Donna, I want to be with you. We've been given this opportunity to be together and I think we should take it.

Donna: Aw. That's sweet. But I'm not living in a mud-hut.

Eric: No, I know. We'll look for a mud-condo. (They both start laughing).

Donna: I love you Eric.

Eric: I love you too.

(They both start kissing. Eric pushes Donna back onto the couch so he's on top of her. Jackie barges in).

Jackie: Hey Donna. EW!

(They pull away).

Eric: Thanks for killing the mood, Jackie.

Jackie: Donna, since I see that you're not busy I need to talk to you.

Donna: Uh, actually I am busy.

Jackie: (Starts laughing) Yeah right. Anyway, it's really important. Can we talk? (Looks over at Eric) Alone?

Eric: Anything you say to Donna can be said in front of me, right Donna?

Donna: Actually, now that she's killed the mood, I need to speak to Jackie alone too.

Eric: Fine. I'll be at home taking a cold shower. Thanks a lot. (He leaves).

Jackie: OK so anyway, Peter and I were talking and

Donna: (Interrupting) Jackie? There's something I think you should know.

Jackie: (Bitchy) Interrupting someone is very rude Donna.

Donna: (Rolling her eyes) Sorry. You were saying.

Jackie: Well forget it now. I've lost my train of thought.

Donna: OK, look. It's about something I found out. You see, Hyde

Jackie: (Interrupting) Oh yeah, that's right. Peter and I are moving in together!

Donna: I thought you said that interrupting was rude.

Jackie: Not when I do it. It just means that whatever you were saying really wasn't that interesting. So, what do you think?

Donna: Moving in together? Where?

Jackie: Madison! Peter is going to transfer there and I'm going to start up my business. Isn't that great?

Donna: (Reluctantly) Yeah, I guess.

Jackie: (Sarcastic) Geez, I thought you'd be a little happy for me.

Donna: I am, I guess. I just think that you need to know about something first.

Jackie: What is it?

(Long silence).

Donna: You know what? It doesn't matter. I'm happy for you guys.

Jackie: (Hugging her) Thanks Donna! I can't wait to start looking for apartments. (She gets up to leave). (Sarcastically) I mean, I'm sure they're nothing like your muddy stump homes. (She opens the door to leave).

Donna: (Calling after her) They're mud-condos and they're going to be great!

(Donna looks at some of the brochures and then throws them to the floor).

**Scene 3: Grooves Record Store. Kelso and Leo are hanging out by the counter. Hyde's putting records away. **

Leo: (To Kelso) Hey man. What's up with Hyde lately?

Kelso: Oh, he's just bummed since you told everyone about the engagement ring. And for the record, that was the best Burn ever man!

Leo: Maybe it's really not his, man.

Kelso: (Laughing) No trust me, it's his. Hyde always acts this defensive when someone gets the best of him. He never does it to me because, well, I never get the best of him. But you did. Score!

(Hyde walks over).

Hyde: What are you guys talking about?

Leo: (Trying to cover) Uh, your hair. Yeah, your hair is cool man. It reminds me of a shaggy dog I had once. Or a brillo pad.

Kelso: (Laughing) Brillo pad! Ha Ha!

(Hyde punches Kelso in the arm).

Kelso: What? Leo said it!

Hyde: Look, I know what you're talking about. Whatever, so I thought about it for a second. Big deal. End of story, OK?

Kelso: Yeah but the fact that you've held on to the ring makes it seem like you still want to marry Jackie.

Hyde: That's just dumb.

Leo: No he's right man. Face it. You may be missing out on the best thing in your life. Now me on the other hand, the best thing in my life is my woman Betty. Or is it Debbie? Carrie? Ah, whatever. She's the best man!

Kelso: Hey man. I didn't make you the Godparents of Betsy for nothing. Let's face it, if she doesn't want to be with me something must be really wrong with her. That's why she's perfect for you!

(Hyde gives Kelso a look).

Kelso: What?

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Jackie's house. She's sitting on the bed with Peter looking through the Classifieds for apartments.**

Peter: What about this one?

Jackie: Ugh. There's only one closet. Hello? Have you seen mine?

Peter: Huh, good point. Well, how about this one? It has 3 closets and 2 bathrooms.

Jackie: Yeah but the kitchen is tiny.

Peter: You don't cook.

Jackie: I know. I'm thinking of you honey.

Peter: (Confused) Oh. This is harder than I thought.

Jackie: I know. Who knew that finding an apartment together would be this difficult?

(Camera shows Hyde standing outside of Jackie's room. He has listened to their entire conversation. He looks down and then walks away).

Peter: Why don't we just go look at a couple of these this weekend and see what we find.

Jackie: OK. But I'm warning you. I'm picky.

Peter: (Sarcastic) Yeah. Thanks for letting me know because I had no idea.

**Scene 5: The Hub. Fez, Eric & Donna are sitting at a table. Hyde's on the phone. Rhonda walks in and comes over to Fez.**

Rhonda: Hey Fez.

Fez: (Surprised to see her) Rhonda? What are you doing here?

Rhonda: Laurie came to see me and I realized something. She's a complete bitch!

Fez: Well duh!

Rhonda: Sorry Eric. I know she's your sister and all, but she really is.

Eric: No need to tell me. You know this one time, she threw me into this locker at school and

Donna: (Interrupting him) Eric? This isn't about you. Go on Rhonda.

Eric: (Pissy) Fine, but it was really embarrassing.

Rhonda: So Fez, I guess what I am saying is that I understand why you got married. Because there is no way in hell you could have actually wanted to be married to her.

Fez: Very true. It might have been better if she actually slept with me a couple of times, but

Donna: (Interrupting him) Fez, that's not helping.

Fez: Right. Sorry. (To Rhonda) So, will you take me back?

Rhonda: (Pause) Oh, yes. (She snorts) Come here my little stud muffin.

(Fez stands and they begin kissing passionately. Eric pushes his basket of food away from him).

Eric: (To Donna) Well, I've lost my appetite how about you?

Donna: I think it's cute. (Looks at Rhonda & Fez) Well, I guess it is a little gross. (Pointing) I think he's touching her boob!

Fez: (To Rhonda) Come my dear. Let us make sweet love in my small apartment.

(They exit).

(Camera pans to Hyde on the phone).

Hyde: W.B.? Hey, it's me Steven. (Pause) Yeah, everything's great. Listen, remember how you said that you were opening up a new store in Manhattan? (Pause) Well, I thought maybe I could run it for you. (Pause) I know, New York's far but I have nothing going on out here. And you'll be out there a lot so what do you say? (Pause) Great! I'll come by tomorrow and we can set it up. Thanks man. (He hangs up).

(Camera pans back to Eric & Donna. Kelso comes in).

Kelso: Have you guys seen Fez?

Eric: Yeah, he just left. Why?

Kelso: He owes me money. I bet him that I would do it more times with Laurie. And now that he's divorced, I win!

Donna: Kelso, he's already bummed by the whole thing and he's back with Rhonda now so can't you just let it be?

Kelso: No way, Donna. A bet is a bet. If a bet doesn't mean anything anymore than we're living in anarchy!

Eric: Wow, Kelso. That's a big word for you man.

Kelso: I know. I've been studying up lately. I figure my large brain can only enhance my hot body. I'm going to be as smart as Alfred Weinstein!

(Eric & Donna laugh at him).

Kelso: What?

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _Fez & Kelso's apartment. Kelso is at the door and notices a sock around the doorknob._

_Kelso: (Talking to himself) Why would Fez put a sock on the doorknob? Maybe it's like a clue or something. Cool!_

_(He opens the door and then screams. Fez is standing there naked)._

_Kelso: Ah! Fez that's gross! Stop doing that nudie dance!_

_(Then he hears Rhonda's voice from the bedroom)._

_Kelso: (Realizing) Whoa! (Gives a thumbs up) Good job dude! (A shoe gets thrown at Kelso). _

_Fez: Get out!_

_Kelso: Ow! Fine! (He leaves and calls out from behind the door) Next time you should give me a warning or something, God!_

**Fade out.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Intro: W.B.'s office. Hyde and Leo are standing around waiting for William Barnett to come out.**

Leo: So this is where it all happens, huh man?

Hyde: Yep. This is the big time my friend. Hopefully I'll be here someday. Of course, without actually working for it. You know, I am the boss' son after all.

Leo: Dude, you're in the system without really being in the system man. That's awesome.

Hyde: Don't I know it.

(W.B. comes out dressed in golf gear).

W.B.: Steven. There you are. (They shake hands). What have you been up to?

Hyde: Same stuff. The store hasn't burned down yet so I guess you could say everything is going well.

W.B.: Great. And this must be (pause)

Hyde: Leo. I think you met him already.

W.B.: Right Leo. (Shakes Leo's hand) How's it going?

Leo: Great man. Except I could use more time off you know. Like how about August?

W.B.: (Gives Leo a look then focuses his attention on Hyde) O-Kay. So Steven, you want to head up my NY store right?

Hyde: Yeah man.

W.B.: OK. Step into my office so we can go over the details before my golf game. I love the look on all of the white people's faces when I step out onto the course. (Hyde, W.B. & Leo start heading towards his office. W.B. stops Leo). Leo, I need to speak with Steven privately.

(Leo looks at Hyde).

Hyde: It's OK man. Look, why don't you raid the supply closet or something.

Leo: Great!

(Leo leaves and Hyde & W.B. enter his office. They both sit down).

W.B.: So Steven. This is a quick decision to make about your future, don't you think?

Hyde: Actually, I've been thinking about it for a while now.

W.B.: I only told you about the store opening last week.

Hyde: I know. I mean I've been thinking about leaving this town for a while.

W.B.: Steven look, I know that I haven't been there for you and I'm thrilled that we have a relationship now and that you want to continue to work for me. It's just, I can't help thinking that you're running away from something.

Hyde: What do you mean?

W.B.: Well, the Forman's have been really great to you. And you have a lot of close friends here. Why do you want to leave?

Hyde: Let's just say I'm ready for a change, OK?

W.B.: All right. If that's how you really feel. I have an apartment in New York that you can use until you get settled.

Hyde: (Excited) No way!

W.B.: Yeah. And I expect it to be in good condition when I return.

Hyde: Huh. Maybe I shouldn't stay there then.

W.B.: Nonsense. I trust you.

Hyde: (Confused) Really?

W.B.: Yeah. I trust that all of my stuff will be fine or my doorman will kick your ass out. How does that sound?

Hyde: (Slightly nervous) Sounds good.

W.B.: (Standing up) Good. Now, the store should be completed in the next week or so. Once everything is ready to go, I'll let you know and you can head out there. OK?

Hyde: Great, thanks again.

(They head into the waiting area again and run into Leo. He's holding a bunch of supplies).

Leo: (Excited) Look Hyde! Glue! (He takes a sniff).

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Pinciotti's Kitchen. Donna's reading and eating breakfast. Bob walks in.**

Bob: Hey pumpkin. (Kisses her head) What'cha doing?

Donna: I'm going over these business strategies for promoting local bands. There's a lot to know.

Bob: Oh, I'm sure you will be a natural at it. You're from good stock Donna. Us Pinciotti's are gifted, you know. (He reaches his hand into the cookie jar and it gets stuck).

Bob: (Panicking) Donna, help! Help! I'm stuck!

(Donna rolls her eyes and gets up to help her Dad. Eric walks in).

Eric: Hey Donna. Guess what? We got our housing information in the mail.

Donna: Oh God. Don't tell me we got the ones with the outhouses?

Eric: No! We got the ones with the in-ground pools!

Donna: Shut up!

Eric: No, seriously! There was a glitch in the system and they thought I was one of the tenured professors. Suckers!

Donna: Eric. When we show up they're going to know that your not.

Eric: I know. But by that time it'll be too late. (Laughing like a girl) Hee hee. We got the good housing!

Bob: Well good. My Donna is too precious to be sleeping in a tent.

Donna: (Embarrassed) Dad.

Bob: It's true Donna. Not only are the Pinciotti's gifted, we are also an upscale bunch. (He grabs a beer and starts scratching his crotch as he sits at the table. Donna & Eric stare at him as he takes a sip).

Bob: (Oblivious) Yep. That's who we are.

**Scene 2: Forman's basement. Jackie, Peter, Kelso & Fez are watching TV. **

Kelso: I can't believe you guys are moving to Madison. That's awesome. I'm so coming to party there.

Peter: Well, you're welcome to drop by anytime.

Jackie: Whoa, hold the phone.

Peter: What?

Jackie: You don't know what you're signing up for. Michael means well and all but, disaster just follows him if you know what I mean.

Fez: This is true. Kelso isn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier if you know what I mean.

Kelso: Hey! I'm sitting right here you know.

Jackie: (Ignoring him) Yeah, and he always seems to make a bad situation even worse.

Kelso: (Getting upset) Guys? Hello? I'm sitting right here!

Fez: (Ignoring him) Like this one time, we were all sitting around this campfire and somehow he managed to fall in and burn off his eyebrows. It was so funny.

(Peter, Jackie & Fez start laughing).

Kelso: (Yelling) Hey! I'm not that bad! I'll even prove it to you.

Peter: OK, you're on. If you can perform 3 stunts without getting hurt, you can stay at our place anytime.

Kelso: Really? That's it? That's a cinch man.

Jackie: But, WE get to pick the stunts.

Kelso: No way!

Fez: It's only fair.

Kelso: (Getting up to leave) Fine. You're all going down! This is going to be almost too easy! (He tries to open the door but it smacks him in the face. Everyone laughs at him. Kelso is holding his nose).

Kelso: That doesn't count! (He exits).

**Scene 3: Forman's Kitchen. Red's drinking coffee and reading the paper while Kitty is cleaning the sink. **

Red: Oh look, Kitty. There's a car race tomorrow night at the track!

Kitty: So?

Red: So? Do you have any idea how great that is? Ever since I was a boy, I dreamed of being a racecar driver.

Kitty: Really? I don't think I ever knew that.

Red: (Dreaming) Ah, I can picture it now.

**Dream Sequence: Red's dressed in a racing suit and he's posing for pictures next to his racecar. There are models in bikinis standing on either side of Red hugging him.**

Model #1: (Ditzy) Oh Red. You're the best racecar driver ever.

Model #2: (Ditzy) Yeah. I can't believe you won 3 races in a row.

(They both giggle and rub up closer to him).

Red: That's right. I'm pretty damn fast.

(Eric runs up to Red wearing a football uniform).

Eric: Dad! Wow! Congrats! I left the game just to catch the end of the race.

Red: But Eric, you're their starting quarterback and it's the State Championship.

Eric: I know. But I couldn't miss this. You're the greatest!

Red: No! Life's the greatest!

(They all laugh together).

**Dream Sequence Ends.**

(Red still has a smile on his face. Kitty looks pissed).

Kitty: (Mad) Really? Great story Red.

Red: What?

Kitty: Racing cars? Models? Eric in a football uniform?

Red: A little far fetched, huh?

Kitty: Is this how you wish your life would be?

Red: What are you talking about?

Kitty: It's very interesting that I wasn't mentioned in your story at all.

Red: Now Kitty, you're overreacting.

Kitty: (Really angry) Am I? Oh, am I? You know what Red, sometimes you can be a complete Bleep-bleep . (She storms out. Red is sitting there shocked).

Red: (Talking to himself) I gotta stop dreaming out loud.

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: The top of Mount Hump. Kelso is wearing a helmet and holding a hang glider. Peter, Jackie & Fez look on.**

Kelso: So, I have to do what exactly?

Peter: You just have to glide off of this edge and land safely on the ground.

Kelso: That's it? Pft. I could do that with my eyes closed.

Jackie: Yeah but without breaking any bones! I'll check.

Kelso: (In a sexy voice) Really?

(Jackie starts hitting him until Fez breaks them apart).

Fez: Stop it! Stop it! Calm down you two. Let's try and act like mature adults here. Now Kelso, hang glide off of Mount Hump.

Peter: Good luck.

(Kelso gets in position. He puts on the glider and tries to strap himself in and as he does, he falls off of the edge).

Kelso: Ahh! Help.

Fez: Kelso! Are you OK? (Pause) Oh my God! He's flying.

Kelso: (Off in the distance) Whoo-hoo! This is awesome!

Jackie: Oh my God! He almost made it to the ground.

Peter: Hey! Watch out for that tree!

(There's a crunching noise and then a thud).

Kelso: (Muffled) I made it!

**Cut To: On the ground from Mount Hump. Kelso is taking off the glider while the others are coming up to him.**

Kelso: See? I told you I could do it!

Fez: And not a scratch on him.

Peter: I thought you hit that tree.

Kelso: Nah. It just broke my fall.

Jackie: (Looking down) And the hang glider. Hmm. We're going to have to step it up a notch.

**Cut To: the Water Tower. Peter, Jackie, Fez and Kelso.**

Kelso: Uh guys? This isn't a challenge. I've fallen off of the water tower plenty of times.

Peter: Yes but this time you have to fall while eating this Turkey club. (He pulls the sandwich out from a paper bag). And, the sandwich needs to be finished by the time you hit the ground.

Kelso: No problem.

(He shoves the sandwich into his mouth and falls off the tower).

-Thud-

Fez: Kelso? Are you OK?

Kelso: (Woozy) I'm in pain.

Jackie: Oh my God, Michael! I'm so sorry! Did you break something?

Kelso: No. There were hot peppers on that sandwich! Does anyone have some water!

**Scene 5: Forman's Living Room. Kitty is watching TV and Red comes in from the kitchen.**

Red: There's my pretty lady. Hey honey. (He kisses her on the cheek. Kitty ignores him). So what are you watching? (She changes the channel and keeps ignoring him). Oh come on Kitty. Are you still upset?

Kitty: Yes.

Red: Oh geez. My story didn't have some sort of subliminal meaning suggesting that my life is crap, OK?

Kitty: (Pissy) Whatever you say, Red.

Red: (Sitting next to her) Look Kitty, life isn't always how we plan it. But that's OK because I have you. And despite all of the hardships we've been through, we've always had each other. And for that, I'm eternally grateful.

Kitty: (Slightly crying) Oh Red. That's the sweetest thing I have ever heard.

Red: Yeah, I'm not sure where that exactly came from but it's true.

(They kiss).

Kitty: You know, I have an idea. Let's go upstairs now so we can officially make up (winks at him) and then we'll head over to the race.

Red: Really?

Kitty: Yes. I'll even let you pretend that you just won a race and I'll be one of the models.

Red: No Kitty. I want you to be you.

Kitty: Oh Red. (She runs upstairs).

(Red goes into the kitchen and then comes back into the Living Room holding a racing helmet. He puts it on and heads upstairs).

**Scene 6: Racetrack. Kitty, Red & Bob are sitting in the stands.**

Red: Isn't this great? I'm going to get a closer look at the cars. (He heads down the stands).

Bob: Kitty I'm surprised you came. You don't seem like the car racing type. (He takes off his jacket revealing a hideous lime green leisure suit and gold chains around his neck. Kitty looks at what he's wearing).

Kitty: Frankly Bob, neither do you.

(Peter, Jackie & Fez come into the stands and sit next to Kitty & Bob).

Kitty: Well what a surprise. What are you kids doing here?

Peter: (Laughing) Uh, we're huge racing fans.

Jackie: Huge!

Fez: Yeah, we can't wait to see the race. (The three of them start giggling. Kitty looks suspicious).

Kitty: OK, then.

(Red comes back up).

Red: They're about to start. (He looks over at Bob) Bob? What the hell are you wearing?

Bob: This is my flashy suit. It glows nicely under these lights doesn't it?

Red: (Rolls his eyes) Bob? Put on your jacket for Christ's sake. Nobody needs to see that. (Bob reluctantly puts on his jacket).

Kitty: Ooh, they're starting.

Peter: (Whispering to Jackie & Fez) This is going to be so great!

(The countdown begins as all of the cars or lined up. The gun goes off and the cars speed ahead. A couple of seconds go by and then Kelso runs out onto the track naked).

Red: What the hell! Is that Kelso?

Peter: (Laughing) Yeah!

Kitty: Naked!

Fez: Yeah, that was my suggestion. (Laughing)

(The cars start to come around the truck where Kelso is).

Kelso: (He runs across the track as the cars try and avoid him) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Stop! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(He makes it safely to the other side and starts panting heavily).

Red: What a moron!

(Peter, Fez & Jackie almost fall off the stands because they're laughing so hard)

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _The Racetrack. Kelso has a blanket on him and the police are standing next to him._

_Police Officer: That was really stupid kid._

_Kelso: Blame them! (He points to Peter, Jackie & Fez who walk up to him along with Kitty, Red & Bob)._

_Peter: (Trying to contain his laughter) You did it Kelso. You can stay with us anytime._

_Kelso: Forget it! You guys suck! I think they're going to arrest me!_

_(Just then, Officer Kennedy comes up)._

_Officer Kennedy: Michael Kelso. It's nice to see that you're doing something stupid again. (To the other officer) It's OK. I'll take care of this. (The police officer walks away)._

_Kelso: (Hugging him) Oh thank you, Officer Kennedy._

_Officer Kennedy: Yeah, I think this humiliation is punishment enough!_

_(Everyone starts laughing except for Kelso)._

_Red: Kettlehead._

**Fade out.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Intro: Forman Basement. Hyde, Fez and Eric are watching TV. Kelso comes in.**

Kelso: Great news guys!

Hyde: You're going to start traveling the world as the new Naked Idiot at The Races!

(Everyone starts laughing).

Kelso: No! (Realizing) But that would be pretty cool though. Anyway, after my little stunt, Officer Kennedy and I started talking and he said I could become a police officer again.

Eric: Really? I'm surprised he thought that was a good idea.

Fez: Yeah, I mean you cheated on your test, you burned down the police station, and what else?

Hyde: Held the record for the most jail time for a rookie.

(All the guys nod in unison).

Kelso: So? I have other good qualities too.

Hyde: Trust me, you don't.

Kelso: What about the time I rescued that cat from a tree?

Eric: You threw it up there!

Kelso: (Laughing) Oh yeah. That was funny.

Fez: So when do you go back?

Kelso: As soon as I move out to Chicago.

Eric: Chicago?

Kelso: Yeah, I mean Officer Kennedy said as long as I was far enough away from him, I could get my job back. And since Betsy is in Chicago, that's where I'm going.

Fez: Everyone is leaving me. Eric's going to South America, Hyde's going to New York, now Kelso's going to Chicago. I'm so depressed.

Hyde: I've got something to cheer you up Fez.

**Cut To: The Circle.**

Fez: Thank you Hyde. This is much better.

Hyde: Yeah, things are always better like this. Like right now, it doesn't even bother me that Kelso has a huge booger coming out of his nose.

Kelso: I do not. Wait, do I? (He starts picking his nose and everyone starts laughing).

Eric: (Laughing) Man Kelso. You fall for that every time! (Stops laughing and talks sarcastically). You're going to make a great cop.

Fez: Well with Kelso gone, Rhonda can move in with me. She'll ride me like a stallion every night!

Hyde: (Has a disgusted look on his face) Thanks for that visual Fez. Seriously guys, we should do something before we leave.

Kelso: Yeah like build a robot! Ooh, or sign up as Rodeo Clowns!

Eric: (Looking strangely at Kelso) Rodeo clowns? What is this amateur hour? No, we should all get really drunk and then yell at Red. I mean, he can't do anything to us because will all be gone, right? Yeah!

Fez: Ooh, how about we take a road trip to Hershey Park? (Getting excited) We could ride on the chocolate roller coaster, followed by the candy cars, (getting more excited) and then walk the Hershey Kiss trail. It would be marvelous! And then we could

Hyde: (Interrupting him) Fez, calm down. God. No you morons, I mean like go to the lake for one last camping trip. All the beer, stash, and food we want. (He opens up a can of beer and holds it up). To the lake!

(The rest of the guys open up a can of beer and then the camera pans above the table. The guys all raise their cans).

Everyone: To the lake!

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Forman's Kitchen. Eric, Donna, Fez, Rhonda, Hyde, & Kelso are packing up food and beer. Red and Kitty are sitting at the table.**

Red: Are you freeloaders taking all of our food?

Kelso: No. We are taking your beer though.

Red: What!

Kitty: Oh Red. If it gets them out of the house who cares right? (Her signature laugh).

Red: You idiots better replace that.

Donna: (To Eric) This was such a great idea. I hope Jackie & Peter get here soon.

Eric: Peter's coming? I don't think Hyde's gonna like that.

Donna: What was I going to say? I mean, they're dating now.

Eric: I'm just hoping there isn't any drama.

(Kelso closes the cooler and gets his finger caught).

Kelso: (Crying) Owwwwwwwwww! Damn that hurt!

Eric: Except that kind of drama. (Eric & Donna start laughing).

Donna: (Laughing) Yeah, that's the best kind.

Fez: (Rummaging through his bag) Hey! Which one of you bastards stole my condoms!

(Red & Kitty look at him).

Rhonda: (Embarrassed and whispering to Fez) I have them, remember?

Fez: (Whispering to Rhonda) Oh yeah. (Out loud) Uh, never mind.

(They all head out towards the Vista Cruiser. Jackie walks up with her bag).

Jackie: Hey guys. Are we ready to go?

Donna: Where's Peter?

Jackie: Oh, he had to go to UW to transfer his credits.

Hyde: (Sarcastically) Damn! There goes the weekend!

Jackie: (Pissy) Spare me your sarcasm Steven.

Eric: (Trying to intervene) Hey, ho. We're going to have a good weekend so put on those happy faces you two. (Hyde & Jackie each give Eric a dirty look) All righty then. Let's go everyone.

(They all pile into the Vista Cruiser. Kitty and Red step outside).

Kitty: (Waiving) Goodbye! Have a great time!

Red: (Waiving) Feel free not to come back!

Kitty: Red! (She hits him in the arm).

**Scene 2: The lake. The guys are setting up the tents while Jackie, Donna & Rhonda are talking. **

Donna: So Jackie, now that Peter isn't here, where are you going to sleep?

Jackie: Oh, Michael's letting me use his tent. He said he'd sleep outside.

Donna: Uh, and you believed him?

Jackie: Yeah. I mean, OK so he lies on occasion but I believe he was being sincere.

Rhonda: (Looking over at Michael) Yeah, you may want to rethink that theory.

(Donna & Jackie look over at Michael who has set up his tent and laid pillows all around the inside. He's spraying it with cologne and flower petals. Then he takes off his shirt and poses on his side and winks at Jackie).

Jackie: Ugh Michael! You're not sleeping with me! (She goes over and pushes him out of the tent).

Michael: Fine! But if it gets cold and you need a warm body, don't come looking for me!

Hyde: (To Eric) Hey, where's Fez?

Eric: I think he said he was going to find wood for the fire.

Hyde: Damn it! I better go find him. Last time he said he was going for wood he drank all of our beer!

(Hyde walks off).

Kelso: (To the group) Hey you guys, look what I found! (He holds up a pair of women's underwear). Oh man. I'd love to see the body that fits these.

(Donna snatches them out of his hand).

Donna: They're mine, you halfwit.

Kelso: Really? So, no more Grandma panties huh, Big D?

(Donna starts hitting him).

Kelso: What?

(Kelso starts laughing along with Eric. Donna turns to see Eric laughing and gets pissed).

Donna: (To Eric) What the hell? You think that's funny?

Eric: (Covering) What? No, no I don't think that's funny. (To Kelso) Kelso! That was a horrible thing to say. So, apologize to Donna.

Kelso: No way! It was a great burn!

Donna: God, you two are idiots! (She goes into her tent).

Eric: (Trying to get into the tent) Donna, it was just a joke. (She zips it closed before he can get into the tent).

Eric: Well, looks like I'm sleeping out here tonight. Thanks Kelso. (Hits him in the head).

Kelso: Yeah, not only did I burn Donna but I burned you too. That was a double-decker burn!

Jackie: Hey? Has anyone seen my make-up case?

Rhonda: Make-up case? We're camping. You know, roughing it?

Jackie: I know all about roughing it. I only brought 3 lipsticks instead of my usual 20.

Eric: I think it's still in the car.

Jackie: -Sigh- Hey Michael? Can you get it for me?

Kelso: Huh?

Jackie: The car is so far away and

Kelso: (Interrupting her) No, no. Only if you let me sleep in the tent with you.

Jackie: Are you insane? I'd rather sleep with Fez!

Rhonda: (Mad) Hey!

Jackie: Sorry. Ugh! I'll just get it myself. (She leaves).

(Fez enters from the woods).

Fez: (Carrying wood) Here we go! Wood for the fire.

Rhonda: Wow Fez. You actually came through. Where did you get all of that wood?

(Leo comes in behind him carrying a small hatchet).

Leo: Hey dudes.

Fez: (Covering) Uh, Leo only pointed out the trees. Uh, I actually did all of the work.

Leo: Yeah right man.

Eric: Leo? What are you doing here?

Leo: This is like my home away from home. I usually come out here to think, man. Like right now I'm thinking that I'm hungry. You got any food dudes? (He starts going through all of their food while everyone looks on).

**Scene 3: Forman's Kitchen. Red, Kitty, Bob and Bob's girlfriend Sherry are all sitting around the table playing cards).**

Red: Your turn Bob.

Bob: I know I'm thinking. (Talking to himself out loud) Hmm, do I want to do that? Nope. Hmm, this might be good.

Red: (Angry) Today Bob!

Sherry: (To Bob) Boy, this one really has a temper on him, huh?

Red: Excuse me?

Sherry: I'm just saying, you should learn to control your anger.

Red: (Really angry) Who the hell do you think you are, coming into my house and judging me? You don't know anything about me.

Kitty: (Signature laugh, a little nervous sounding) Ok, then. Well, who wants another Tom Collins? I know I do.

Bob: Ooh. Me too!

Sherry: (To Red) I didn't come here to make trouble.

Red: Well you did.

Sherry: Look, I run an anger management seminar so I know when people need a little help.

Kitty: No see he was evaluated already so he's all set.

Sherry: Kitty, this is an ongoing problem that doesn't just go away. Red, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Red: Embarrassed? You're the one who should be embarrassed! You're going out with Bob for God's sake.

Bob: Hey!

Sherry: Look, let's just do one simple exercise and see what happens.

Red: (Throwing his cards down on the table) Forget it! I need a beer. (He grabs a beer and heads into the living room).

Bob: Aw man. And I had gin too!

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Hyde is at the car grabbing the beer out of the back. Jackie comes up behind him.**

Jackie: Hey. Is my make-up case in there?

Hyde: (Sarcastically) You mean the big case with the purple unicorns on it? I had no idea that was yours so I took it out to fit the beer.

Jackie: (Angry) What? I can't believe you did that!

Hyde: (Smiling) Well, we can't fit everything.

Jackie: Ugh. You did that on purpose. Sometimes you can be the biggest jerk.

Hyde: Yep, that's me. Want a beer?

(Jackie starts to walk away in a huff but then turns around and grabs a beer).

Jackie: Fine. (She opens it and takes a sip. Hyde's drinking his beer as well. There is a long silence).

Jackie: So, you're really moving to New York, huh?

Hyde: Yep. I need a change of scenery you know.

Jackie: Believe me, I do. I can't stand this town anymore. Madison will be much better.

Hyde: Yep.

Jackie: You know Steven, I'm gonna miss you. Even though you constantly piss me off and act like a complete ass.

Hyde: Yeah, but would you expect anything different from me?

(There's silence and then they both laugh a little).

**Cut To: The Campground. The rest of the gang is sitting around the fire eating hot dogs. Kelso has a guitar.**

Eric: Kelso? Where did you get that guitar?

Kelso: This is Leo's. He let me borrow it. You guys want to hear a song?

Everyone in unison: No!

Kelso: Fine. But I'm pretty good.

Eric: Man! Where did Hyde go for the beer? Canada?

Fez: I know. This is awful. What are we going to do without beer?

Rhonda: Well we could, you know. (Looks at him sexy).

Fez: (Realizing) Oh. Good night all. Enjoy your search for beer. (They go into their tent and zip it up).

Eric: Donna? Maybe we should go look for it. (Pause) Donna?

Donna: I'm still not talking to you.

Eric: Oh, don't be mad. I didn't mean it.

Donna: Yes you did. Why do you always have to act stupid in front of our friends?

Eric: Because our friends are stupid!

Kelso: Hey. I thought I was the only one that was stupid.

(Everyone gives him a look).

Leo: Why are you guys fighting? Here. Have a beer. (He grabs a beer from behind him and throws it to Eric).

Eric: Whoa Leo. Where did you get this?

Leo: You didn't think I was out here in the woods without beer did you man?

(They all look behind Leo and see a case of beer. There is a gold light shining around it and Hallelujah music is playing).

Donna: Leo you're a genius.

Leo: No. Well, yeah I guess I am. It's my curse man.

**Scene 5: Forman's Living Room. Red is sitting on the couch watching TV. Kitty comes in.**

Kitty: Red? You're being awfully rude.

Red: Kitty, I don't need some smart mouth telling me that I have anger issues. If I wanted that I would just talk to Eric.

Kitty: Red, it wouldn't hurt to give it a try.

Red: Yes it would. I could definitely see myself hurting her.

Kitty: Look, I know that you're not this mean-tempered person all of the time. But you don't usually show that side to others.

Red: That's because I don't like people.

Kitty: Yes, I know. But try and picture people as things that you love. Like, cars or beer.

Red: Fine. Now can I watch my program?

Kitty: No you have to go in there and let Sherry do this exercise.

Red: Oh geez, why?

Kitty: Because they won't leave until you do and Bob's already eaten all of our food.

Red: Fine.

(They go into the kitchen and sit down).

Red: OK, let's get this over with.

Sherry. Really? Great! You passed.

Red: What?

Sherry: Yeah, see people with severe anger issues would never perform an exercise because they think that they're fine.

Kitty: So that was it?

Sherry: Yep. Red don't you feel better?

Red: Not yet. (He stands up) Get out! Now I feel better.

(Bob & Sherry leave and Red is laughing).

**Scene 6: Campfire. Everyone is drunk. Kelso is singing.**

Kelso: (Singing) "Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?"

Eric: Kelso! -Hiccup- Knock it off!

Donna: Yeah! You're like the worst singer ever!

Leo: It sounded good to me dude. Did you write that song man?

Kelso: No. But I so could.

Eric: Yeah. -Hiccup- Because that's the only line he knows. -Hiccup-

Kelso: No. I know another line. I'm just too drunk to remember.

Fez: (Poking his head out from the tent) Hey! Can you guys be quiet! You're killing the mood here.

Donna: Yuck Fez. I totally forgot you were back there doing that. Thanks for reminding us.

Everyone: (Throwing stuff at Fez) Ugh/Yuck/Gross!

(Fez looks pissed then goes back into the tent).

(Just then, Peter walks up to everyone).

Peter: Hey guys. What's up?

Kelso: (Drunk and trying to stand to hug Peter) Hey guys look. It's Phil.

Everyone in unison: Hey Phil!

Peter: It's Peter.

Kelso: Right, Peter.

Leo: So where's Paul and Mary man? (Everyone starts laughing).

Peter: Uh, right.

Donna: So, what are you doing here anyway?

Peter: I got out early and I wanted to surprise Jackie. Is she here?

Eric: Oh yeah, she's around here somewhere. -Hiccup-

Donna: I think she said she was going to the car.

Kelso: No, I think she said she was going skinny-dipping.

Eric: Kelso, if she was going skinny-dipping, you would be in there with her.

Kelso: (Laughing) That's true. (To Peter, still laughing) Dude, we have no idea where she is.

Peter: (Frustrated) Great, thanks for the help. (He leaves to go look for her).

Eric: (Stumbling on his words) Man, that was aweshome of him to stop by, don't you sink?

(Everyone starts laughing).

**Cut To: The Vista Cruiser. Hyde and Jackie are sitting on the hood of the car. Jackie is leaning her head on his shoulder. They are both drunk.**

Hyde: Jackie? Hand me another beer, would ya?

Jackie: I think you've had enough.

Hyde: It's never enough until you're passed out.

Jackie: Good point. (She picks up her head and hands him a beer). I think I'm drunk.

Hyde: Yeah. Great isn't it?

(She lets out a giggle).

Jackie: You know Steven, I'm really going to miss you when you leave.

Hyde: Yeah, you said that already.

Jackie: (Slurring) No, I mean, really, really going to miss you. You know, we never should have broken up.

Hyde: (Taken aback) What do you mean?

Jackie: I mean, when we were together, we got along. Now, we just act like we hate each other. And, I don't hate you. (Laying her head on his shoulder again). I'm still in love with you.

(Hyde is completed shocked and almost sobering up).

Hyde: What about Peter?

Jackie: Oh Peter, Schmeter. I could never feel the same way about him as I do about you.

Hyde: Jackie, I think you're a little drunker than you thought. Maybe you should

Jackie: (Interrupting him and lifting up her head) Kiss me Steven.

Hyde: What?

(She kisses him and Hyde doesn't resist. Peter walks up, undetected and sees them. He turns away hurt and leaves).

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _The Campground. Kelso & Leo are wasted and singing loudly._

_Kelso & Leo: "Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?"_

_Eric: (From inside his tent) Shut up! (He throws a pillow at them. Kelso & Leo just shrug and continue singing)._

_Kelso & Leo: "Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?"_

**Fade out.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Intro: The Campground. Everyone is asleep. Eric is coming out of his tent with Donna.**

Eric: (Yawning) Hey Hyde. (He looks into Hyde's tent and sees Leo). Hmm.

Leo: (Waking up) Hey man. Can't I get a little privacy please? (He zips up the flap).

Donna: (Coming out from the tent, she looks into Jackie's tent) Jackie?

Kelso: (Popping his head out) What's up?

Donna: Kelso? Did Jackie ever come back last night?

Kelso: Nope. Not sure where she is. Her loss though. I made this tent into a love temple.

Donna: (Ignoring him) I wonder where she is.

Eric: Probably the same place Hyde is. He's not in his tent either.

Donna: Hmm, that's strange. You don't think?

Eric: Oh yes I do. (Getting upset) I knew there was going to be drama! But did you listen? No! And now they're missing and everything is going to get screwed up. And

Donna: (Interrupting him) Eric, don't get hysterical. You're acting like a little girl who lost her puppy. I guess we should go look for them.

Eric: Fine. But if they killed each other, their blood is on your hands.

**Cut To: The Vista Cruiser. Jackie & Hyde are sleeping in the back seat. Hyde's against the window and Jackie is leaned up against his shoulder.**

Hyde: (Waking up, he looks over at Jackie and tries to wake her) Jackie?

Jackie: (Waking up) Mm, where are we?

Hyde: (Yawning) In the back of the Vista Cruiser.

Jackie: Oh, that's nice. (She closes her eyes and leans back on Hyde, this time hugging his waist. Hyde is a little stunned. Suddenly, Jackie awakes and realizes where she is and pushes away from Hyde to the other side of the car). Whoa! What the hell happened last night?

Hyde: Nothing. We got drunk and fell asleep.

Jackie: That's it? Nothing happened?

Hyde: Right. Nothing happened.

Jackie: (Not 100 believing him, she smoothes down her hair and exits the car. Hyde follows) Uh, we should get back to the campsite. (She begins fixing herself) I can't believe this is happening.

Hyde: What's your problem?

Jackie: Nothing. It's just, we shouldn't be hanging out like this.

Hyde: Like what? Together? You know, you have a real attitude problem.

Jackie: What are you talking about?

Hyde: You can't admit that you actually still have feelings for me.

Jackie: That's insane! Peter and I are really happy.

Hyde: (Under his breath) That's not what it sounded like last night.

Jackie: What?

Hyde: Nothing.

Jackie: Ugh, I gotta go.

Hyde: (Grabbing her arm) Why can't you see that I'm the one you want to be with?

(Slight Pause).

(Donna & Eric walk up to Hyde & Jackie).

Jackie: Just leave me alone! (She walks away).

Eric: (To Donna) See! I told you!

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Forman's Kitchen. Eric & Hyde enter through the sliding glass door. Kitty walks in.**

Kitty: Oh, you're back. Did you have a good time?

Eric: Yeah, until Kelso started singing. I still can't get that song out of my head.

Kitty: Steven, your Dad called while you were gone.

Steven: OK, thanks Mrs. Forman. (He exits towards the basement).

(Laurie enters).

Laurie: Hey loser brother. How was the lake?

Eric: Great. (Sarcastic) So where's Martin? Oh that's right, the shuffleboard tournament is in town. (He starts laughing).

Laurie: (Sarcastic) Oh yeah? So where's Donna? Oh that's right, the I-want-to-dump-my-Star-Wars-loving-boyfriend seminar is in town. (She starts laughing).

Eric: (Getting serious and pointing a finger at her) Do not make fun of Star Wars.

(They begin fighting until Kitty intervenes).

Kitty: (Yelling) OK! Knock it off you two! When will you both be out of the house!

(Red comes in and catches the tail end of what Kitty just said).

Red: Out of the house? Someone's singing my favorite song!

**Scene 2: Grooves Record Store. Leo is asleep at the register. Hyde walks in. **

Hyde: (Waking Leo up) Leo!

Leo: (Waking up) No that record is not on sale man! (Realizing) Oh, hey Hyde. This work thing is tough.

Hyde: (Sarcastic) I can see that. So Leo man, I need to talk to you.

Leo: Dude, are you firing me? Cause that's not cool man. I almost sold something today.

Hyde: No man. I'm leaving.

Leo: Leaving?

Hyde: Yeah. I'm going to New York tonight.

Leo: Whoa. Does that mean I'm in charge of the store man?

Hyde: Are you crazy? No. My sister Angie's coming back to help.

Leo: Aw, I'm really going to miss you man. (He hugs Hyde) You made this town somewhat tolerable.

Hyde: Yeah, I know. You have always been there for me and I'll never forget you for that man. And, you know you can always come out and visit me anytime.

Leo: Thanks man. You're the best.

Hyde: Just remember. Angie's a little uptight so you can't really party around her, if you know what I mean.

Leo: No problem man. I'll make sure I'm a certified professional. -Ding- Ooh, my "special" brownies are done. (He grabs them out of the Easy Bake Oven and takes a bite). Want one? (Hyde rolls his eyes and smirks at Leo).

**Scene 3: Jackie's bedroom. She's on the phone. There's a knock on her door.**

Jackie: Come in. (Peter walks in) Hey, I was just trying to call you. (She hangs up).

Peter: (Looking depressed) Yeah, I have been out all night.

Jackie: Oh. (Goes to hug him but notices something is wrong) What's the matter?

Peter: Jackie, I saw you yesterday.

Jackie: Saw me where?

Peter: At the lake. Didn't your friends tell you?

Jackie: Are you kidding? They were drunk out of their minds. So, you were there? And you saw me?

Peter: Yes. And you weren't alone.

Jackie: Are you talking about Steven? (Slightly laughing) That was nothing. We were just drinking and hanging out.

Peter: Oh, so when you were kissing him, that was nothing too right?

Jackie: What? No. (Confused) We weren't kissing. Wait. I can't really remember.

Peter: Yeah, that's not going to work. (He goes to leave).

Jackie: (Grabbing his arm) Wait Peter, don't go. It meant nothing. You're the one I want to be with. I was just a little drunk. It'll never happen again.

Peter: It's not just that, Jackie. I've seen the way you look at him and frankly; I don't completely believe that you're over him.

Jackie: Peter, I am. I'll even prove it to you.

Peter: How?

Jackie: Let's leave for Madison tomorrow.

Peter: What?

Jackie: Yeah. We'll stay in a hotel until we find an apartment. I need to get away from this town. There's just too much history here and I guess I was a little confused. Please understand that it didn't mean anything.

(Long Silence)

Peter: Are you serious about this? I don't know if I could go through this again. I love you Jackie.

Jackie: I'm serious. I want to be with you.

Peter: (Pause) OK. Let's do it. (They go in for a kiss and then hug each other tightly).

Jackie: (Pulling away) Great! There's so much that I need to do. I better start packing.

Peter: Well, I'll go then. (He goes to leave but then turns back to Jackie) You're positive about this, right?

Jackie: I'm packing up all of my shoes what do you think?

(He smiles at her and then leaves).

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Forman's Basement. Fez & Kelso are watching TV. Laurie comes down the stairs.**

Laurie: What's up losers?

Kelso: (Sexy voice) Hello Laurie.

Laurie: (Rolling her eyes) Spare me Kelso. I'm spoken for.

Kelso: That never stopped us before.

Fez: Quite true. You two are the biggest whores I have ever seen.

Kelso: (Oblivious) Thanks Fez.

Fez: (Looking at his watch) Laurie, shouldn't you be having dinner with your boyfriend now? You don't want to miss the Early Bird special.

Kelso: BURN!

Laurie: (Gives Kelso a nasty look) Kelso!

Kelso: What? That was a sweet burn.

Laurie: So what if Martin is a little older. He's mature which is something you morons will never be.

Fez: I am too mature. Why just the other day I was smoking a pipe.

Laurie: It doesn't count if bubbles come out of it.

Fez: (Looks embarrassed) Oh. Then never mind.

(Eric & Hyde come out from Hyde's room. Hyde is packing up stuff).

Fez: Hyde? Why are you packing?

Eric: He's leaving tonight. Can you believe that?

Kelso: What? You're leaving already?

Hyde: Yeah. The store is ready to go so I gotta head out there and get everything set up.

Fez: Oh no. I think I'm going to cry.

Hyde: Fez, if you cry I'll kick your ass.

Fez: (Crying) I can't help it. The tears won't stop flowing.

Eric: Well, I know how to fix that.

**Cut To: The Circle.**

Eric: (Stretching his arms out) Much, much better. See Fez?

Fez: (Still crying) Yes. I feel so much better now, thank you. (Crying harder).

Hyde: Aw man, stop it. (Pause) Quit it! (Pause) I will so kick your ass.

Kelso: Yeah, kick his ass. That would be funny. And also sentimental.

Eric: So this is it guys. (Looking around) We've had some great times in this basement. And now, we're all moving on to greener pastures.

Fez: (Sniffling) Greener pastures? I thought you were living in mud?

Hyde: You know, I'm actually going to miss this crappy town. (Pause) Eh, what am I saying? I'm moving to New York man. Yeah!

Kelso: Yeah, the big city is cool man. That's why I'm moving to a big city. More chicks, better stash. (Pause) Ooh, and I bet they have robots!

Eric: (Giving Kelso a strange look) Guys, this may be the last chance we get to talk to each other for a while. So let's put everything out on the table and tell each other exactly how we feel. OK?

(Camera pans to Fez who is biting on an M&M, then to Hyde who looks bored, then to Kelso who is staring up at the ceiling, then to Eric who is struggling to find something to say, then to Fez who is eating another M&M then back to Hyde).

Hyde: So, in New York, I bet they have a car that runs on water.

(They all throw stuff at Hyde).

Hyde: Hey! It runs on water, man!

**Scene 5: Jackie's room. Donna's sitting on her bed while Jackie is packing.**

Donna: Wow. I still can't believe that you're leaving tomorrow.

Jackie: I know. It's crazy, right?

Donna: Yeah. (Pause) Are you sure you're making the right decision?

Jackie: Is this about Steven?

Donna: Well

Jackie: (Interrupting her) Look Donna, that's in the past. I've moved on and I'm very happy now.

Donna: So, even if I told you that Hyde still has an engagement ring that he was going to give you, you would still leave?

Jackie: (Shocked) What! He was actually going to propose!

Donna: Yep. Does it make any difference?

Jackie: (Long pause) Uh, no. No it doesn't. We make each other miserable. Besides, just because he still has it, doesn't mean he would still use it. He was only considering it because I gave him an ultimatum.

Donna: Yeah, well you did say that you'd squash him like a bug if he didn't propose.

Jackie: Yeah well, I've grown up since then. I know that when the time is right, Steven and I will get married.

Donna: You mean Peter.

Jackie: That's what I said, Peter.

Donna: No, you said Steven.

Jackie: No I didn't. Oh, why am I even talking to you about this? Your idea of true love is Eric. Ew!

Donna: Thanks a lot!

(They both smile and then hug).

Donna: You know, even though you're a pain in the ass, I'm going to really miss you.

Jackie: Yeah. And even though you have no idea how to match a shirt with pants, I'm going to miss you too. (They hug again).

Donna: Call me when you get to Madison.

Jackie: I will. (Donna gets up to leave). Hey Donna?

Donna: Yeah?

Jackie: Thanks. For everything.

Donna: You're welcome. (She exits).

**Cut to: Forman's Driveway. Red, Kitty, Eric & Hyde. Hyde's packing up the El Camino.**

Kitty: (Crying) Oh my God! Our step-baby is leaving!

Red: Now, now Kitty. They have to go sometime. (To Eric) Feel free to leave sooner if you'd like.

Eric: (To Hyde) Hey man. (Hugs Hyde) Call us when you get settled in.

Hyde: I will. (To Kitty) Mrs. Forman, I

Kitty: (Interrupting him and giving him a big hug while still crying) Oh my baby! We're going to miss you!

Hyde: Thanks Mrs. Forman. OK. Uh, (pause) you're hurting me! (She lets him go).

Kitty: Sorry.

Red: Steven, you're a good kid. Stay off the drugs.

Hyde: Will do Red.

Red: Here. (Hands him an envelope and Hyde looks inside).

Hyde: Red, I can't take your money.

Red: It's your money. The money you have been giving us in rent. I'm just glad it's going to a good cause. Bail would have been a waste, you know what I mean?

Hyde: Sure. Thanks for everything. (Red gives him a hug) You guys have been great. I'll see ya.

(Donna runs up).

Donna: Oh good, you didn't leave yet. I'm going to miss you. (She hugs him).

Hyde: Take care big D. Go easy on the little guy. (He points to Eric)

Donna: Thanks for the advice.

(Hyde gets into his car and drives off while everybody's waiving goodbye).

Kitty: Oh, this is terrible.

Red: Eric? Fire up the blender. Stat!

**Scene 6: Kelso & Fez's apartment. They're both watching TV.**

Fez: I can't believe Hyde left. Pretty soon you're going to leave and I'm going to be all alone.

Kelso: Fez, look on the bright side.

(Long pause)

Fez: Yes?

Kelso: Huh, what?

Fez: You said, "look on the bright side." What is the bright side?

Kelso: I don't know man. That's what people say to cheer people up. It's an American thing. You wouldn't understand.

Fez: You could quite possibly be the dumbest person I have ever met.

(Kelso looks at him with a confused expression).

Fez: (Breaks down crying and hugs Kelso) I'm going to miss you!

**Cut To: Jackie's room. Jackie is in bed asleep. Hyde crawls through her window. He walks over to her dresser and drops off an envelope. He takes one last look at her and leaves. **

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _Grooves Record Store. Leo is asleep on the couch and is awakened by a Ding sound._

_-Ding-_

_Leo: Ooh, my brownies are done. (He goes over to the oven and sees an envelope taped to the front) Whoa! It's from Hyde. _

_Dear Leo,_

_Thanks for everything man. You always believed in me even when others didn't. I'll never forget you for that. My address is inside in case you ever want to come out to New York. You're the best. Thanks._

_Hyde_

_P.S. Your brownies are burning._

_Leo: What? (Looks at the oven. There's smoke coming out) Aw damn! _

**Fade out.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Intro: Jackie's bedroom. It's early in the morning. Peter is sneaking into Jackie's room with flowers. He passes by her dresser and sees the envelope with "Jackie" on the front. Concerned that it may be from Hyde, he opens it and reads it. After reading it, he slowly folds it and puts it back in the envelope. A shocked expression comes across his face. He notices Jackie moving around so he quickly tucks the envelope into his jacket pocket and lies down next to her.**

Peter: Morning, sunshine.

Jackie: (Waking up) Mmm. Peter? What are you doing here?

Peter: (Slightly nervous) I'm just so excited that we're leaving today that I couldn't sleep. Besides- if I know you, you'll be asleep for hours. So, get up. Come on, let's go.

Jackie: All right, all right. God you're pushy. (She gets up and heads towards the bathroom. Peter takes out the envelope and looks around for the trash).

Jackie: (calling from the bathroom) Peter? Did you pick up my dry cleaning yesterday?

Peter: (Still looking for the trash) No, I guess I forgot.

(Jackie comes out and Peter quickly stuffs it back into his jacket).

Jackie: I have to pack those clothes. (Notices him) What was that?

Peter: (Covering) What?

Jackie: The thing you stuffed into your jacket.

Peter: What? That's nothing.

Jackie: It's not nothing. What are you hiding? (She moves in closer to look at his jacket).

Peter: (Knowing that he's caught, he tries to cover. He reaches into his jacket, and takes something out of the envelope) I don't know how to say this. (He pulls something out and covers it with his fist). Jackie, I know that we're not ready quite yet, but I want this to serve as a promise. (He gets down on one knee and shows her the engagement ring. Jackie's shocked).

Jackie: Oh my God! Is that what I think it is!

Peter: Jackie, will you marry me?

Jackie: Oh my God! (She grabs the ring) I don't know. This is so sudden. (There's a long silence and she looks back down at the ring) Yes! Yes, I'll marry you!

(They hug. Camera goes close-up onto Peter's face, which reveals a guilty expression).

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Forman's Basement. Donna, Eric, Fez & Kelso are sitting around watching TV.**

Eric: Man, it just doesn't seem the same around here without Hyde.

Donna: I know. It's like I still think he's going to come out of his room and punch Kelso in the eye.

Kelso: Yeah. I'm gonna miss that.

Fez: Why would he leave us, that cruel bastard?

Eric: Yeah. You're right. He is a cruel bastard!

(Kitty comes down the stairs with the laundry basket & a package).

Kitty: Eric? Steven left this for you in your room.

Eric: Thanks Mom.

(She puts in a load of laundry and goes back upstairs).

Eric: (Sarcastic) Huh. What's this? Some dumb goodbye gift?

**Cut To: The Circle.**

Eric: (Getting emotional) Aw man. Hyde's the best. He left us some of his best stuff. What a friend.

Donna: Yeah. (Pause) You know, even the circle seems different without Hyde. I'm just waiting for someone to spit out a screwed up conspiracy theory. But, it just never comes.

Kelso: I'll give it a whirl. (Tries to imitate a stoned Hyde) You see man, the government is all out to get us. One day they're going to break into all of our homes and implant homing devices in our asses. We will never be able to escape the system man!

(Everyone's laughing).

Fez: Hmm. Not bad.

Eric: Yeah, it's missing something though.

Donna: I think you need to get more pissed off. (Shakes her fist at Kelso).

Kelso: OK. (Imitating Hyde again. This time yelling) The government controls us by forcing us to work for the man! I will never work for the man! (Back to his normal voice) But Hyde, now you are working for the man. (Back to imitating Hyde) No I'm not! Shut up Kelso! (Back to his own voice) Hey man. There's no need to be vicious! (Hyde's voice) Shut up! (Kelso's own voice) No you shut up! (Suddenly, Kelso starts fighting with himself and falls off his chair).

(The camera pans to see everyone staring at Kelso. Then Kelso stops and goes back to sitting in his chair).

Eric: (Stands up) Bravo! That was awesome man!

(Everyone starts standing and applauding Kelso).

**Scene 2: Forman's Kitchen. Kitty's drinking coffee by the stove while Red's reading the paper. **

Kitty: -Sigh- (Red's ignoring her so she sighs louder). -Sigh-

Red: (Caving) OK, Kitty. What is it?

Kitty: (Melancholy) Oh, it's nothing.

Red: (Folding up the paper) Oh, I'm sure it's something.

Kitty: Red, now that Steven's gone, and with Eric leaving, the house is going to seem so empty.

(Laurie walks in).

Laurie: Hey guys.

Red: Unfortunately, Laurie's sticking around, aren't you kitten?

Laurie: Yeah. Well, until Martin and I get married. (She sits down).

Kitty: (Sarcastic) Yay!

Red: (Getting up and walking over to Kitty) Look Kitty, I've said it before and I'll say it again. This is our time. We should be enjoying ourselves.

Laurie: So maybe this is a bad time to bring this up.

Red: Bring what up?

Laurie: Well, Martin's spending an awful lot of money at the hotel and I kind of told him you guys would let him stay here for a while.

Red: You did what!

Kitty: Oh Laurie. This house isn't a Bed & Breakfast you know.

Laurie: Well, you let Hyde stay here. Fez was here for a while. Even Jackie stayed here.

Kitty: Yes but we didn't even know about her.

Laurie: Come on Mom. Please?

Red: N-O!

Kitty: Why can't you find a place of your own with him?

Laurie: And live in sin?

(Red & Kitty shoot her a look).

Laurie: Right, gotcha. I'll start looking for apartments. (She exits).

Kitty: That girl is going to drive me insane!

Red: Not anymore. She's moving out!

(They both laugh and then Kitty starts to cry. Red comforts her on his shoulder).

**Scene 3: Jackie's room. She has multiple suitcases on the floor and a couple of bags on the bed. Peter is looking at all of her stuff.**

Peter: You must be joking.

Jackie: What?

Peter: You're taking all of this stuff?

Jackie: Hello? We're moving aren't we?

Peter: Yeah but your house is staying here so you could always pick up this stuff later.

Jackie: I need all of this stuff.

(Peter picks up 3 different hair dryers).

Jackie: Those are for different days of the week.

(Peter rolls his eyes and puts them back in Jackie's bag).

Peter: So, are we all set?

Jackie: Yes, we just have to stop at Eric's so I can say goodbye to everyone. I can't wait to tell them that we're engaged!

Peter: Uh, that's not such a good idea.

Jackie: What are you talking about?

Peter: Well, this ring is a promise right? You know, that one day we will get married.

Jackie: Right, but I have to at least show them the ring. It's gorgeous!

Peter: (Nervous) You can't show them the ring!

Jackie: Why not?

Peter: (Covering) Uh, because Donna might be jealous?

Jackie: Well that's true. But I waited 18 years to say that I'm getting married.

Peter: I know. Let's just wait until we're settled in Madison and then we will tell everyone, OK?

Jackie: (Hesitant) OK. (She takes off the ring and puts it in her bag). Good thinking about Donna. You should have seen the chip that Eric gave her!

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Forman's Basement. Fez & Kelso are tossing a football around while Donna's reading a magazine. Eric & Laurie come down the stairs.**

Eric: Well, this officially sucks.

Donna: What's up?

Eric: The school just called and said that they're postponing the school year due to a heavy tropical storm.

Donna: What does that mean?

Eric: They said it could be another month before we get to go down there.

Donna: A month? I already set up appointments to meet with some bands.

Eric: You're going to have to cancel. I can't believe we're stuck here for another month.

Laurie: Yeah. Wait until you tell Red. He's going to be super pissed. (She starts laughing).

Eric: I forgot about Red.

Kelso: Oh, I hope he yells at you. You know, for ol' times sake.

Eric: Thanks Kelso.

Fez: (Clapping) Yay! Eric & Donna are staying longer. (Looks at Kelso) Now you don't have to leave either.

Kelso: No, I gotta be there next week. The training program starts and I don't want to miss any of it. I'm actually going to try and be a good cop this time.

Laurie: They're allowing you to become a cop again? Boy, are they dumb or what?

Fez: That's exactly what I said. (Laurie & Fez start laughing. Laurie grabs her laundry and heads upstairs)

Kelso: Whatever, man.

(Jackie & Peter walk in. Peter sits down on the couch).

Jackie: Hey guys!

Donna: Jackie? I thought you left by now.

Jackie: I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to everyone. Fezzie, I'm gonna miss you. (They hug).

Fez: Oh Jackie. Just remember all of the good memories of me hiding in your closet.

Jackie: (Sarcastically) Yeah. I'll be sure to keep those visions crystal clear. (To Eric) Eric? Despite you being a skinny, dorky, dweeb; I'm going to miss you too. (Hugs him).

Eric: Thanks Jackie. That might have been the nicest thing you ever said to me.

Jackie: (To Kelso) Michael? What can I say? I'll always love you. (They hug).

Kelso: I love you to Jackie. Hey, if you have any fine matchmaking clients in need of a one-night stand, give them my number, OK?

Jackie: Sure. (To Donna) Donna? You've been such a great friend. I'll miss you most of all. (They hug).

Peter: (Standing up nervously and trying to push her out the door) Well, come on Jackie. We should be going. Goodbye everybody!

Jackie: (Stops him) Where's Steven?

Donna: Oh, he left last night. He got the call from W.B. yesterday. (Peter looks relieved).

Jackie: (Upset) Oh. I thought he'd at least say goodbye or something. Well, I guess that just confirms my thoughts about him. (Pause) What a jerk. (To everyone). Well, I'll see you guys soon. Donna, I'll call you when we get there. Bye!

Everyone: Bye Jackie!

(They exit).

Donna: Huh. That was weird.

Eric: What?

Donna: The way Peter was acting.

Kelso: Yeah, he seemed guilty, and somewhat standoffish.

(Donna & Eric look at Kelso).

Kelso: What? I notice some stuff.

(Donna & Eric are still looking at Kelso).

Kelso: Fine, Fez just whispered that to me. There, you happy?

**Scene 5: W.B.'s apartment building. Hyde walks in, carrying only his green army bag, and looks around in awe of the gorgeous lobby area.**

Hyde: (Walking by the doorman) Whoa.

Doorman: Excuse me, sir?

Hyde: Who, me?

Doorman: Yes. Can I help you?

Hyde: Yeah. I'm William Barnett's son. I'm going to be staying in his apartment for a little while.

Doorman: (Looking suspicious, and laughing slightly) You're Mr. Barnett's son?

Hyde: That's me.

Doorman: Nice try kid. Next time you want to break into one of these apartments, make sure you pick a white guy. Move along now.

Hyde: What, you don't believe me?

Doorman: Was I making it that obvious?

Hyde: Look, you can call him right now if you want.

Doorman: Maybe I'll just do that. (He picks up the phone and keeps a close eye on Hyde). It's ringing. (Pause) Now's your last chance. (Pause) You may want to make a run for it before I call the police. (W.B. answers) Hello Mr. Barnett? This is Barney, your doorman from the Embassy Apartment complex in Manhattan. (Pause) How are you sir? (Pause) Good. I have someone here who says he's your son. (Pause) Uh huh. (Pause) Uh huh. (Pause) Yeah. Jeans, dark glasses, frizzy hair. (Pause) Correct. He definitely looks like he wants to hurt me. (Pause) OK, sorry to trouble you sir. You can't be too careful. (Pause) OK, goodbye sir. (He hangs up).

Hyde: You satisfied now?

Doorman: Yes. He described you to the tee.

Hyde: I'm pretty unique.

Doorman: Anyway, I'm sorry about that Mr. Barnett.

Hyde: Actually, it's Steven Hyde. But you can just call me Hyde.

Doorman: OK, Hyde. I'm Barney. It's nice to meet you. (Grabs something from under the counter). Here are your keys. Take the elevators to the 15th floor. You're apartment number 5C. Enjoy your stay with us. And if you need anything, please do not hesitate to call me or the day man Carl. Goodnight.

Hyde: Thanks. (He starts walking away. Speaking to himself) This is awesome.

Doorman: Oh, and one more thing sir.

Hyde: Yeah?

Doorman: Your father wanted me to remind you that only he knows the combination to the safe and bar. So don't even try it.

Hyde: (To himself) Damn it!

Doorman: Goodnight sir.

Hyde: (Grumbling) Yeah, goodnight.

**Scene 6: A hotel in Madison. Jackie is sitting on the bed while Peter is bringing in the bags.**

Peter: (Dropping the suitcases) Well, that's the last of it.

Jackie: (In a daze) Uh, huh.

Peter: Jackie? You OK?

Jackie: (Still in a daze) No I'm not hungry thanks.

Peter: Jackie? (Pause) Jackie?

Jackie: (Snapping out of it) Huh? Oh sorry.

Peter: Is something wrong?

Jackie: No. Everything's fine.

Peter: That didn't sound convincing at all.

Jackie: It's just; forget it.

Peter: No, what?

Jackie: Steven and I haven't been really getting along lately but you'd think he'd at least say goodbye or something. I mean, it's like I never really meant anything to him, you know?

Peter: Him again, huh?

Jackie: I'm sorry Peter. You're right. It doesn't matter. (She looks at the ring on her finger). We're happy, we're getting married, and that's all I care about. (She stands up and starts kissing Peter. He pulls away). What's wrong?

Peter: (Covering) Uh, it's been a long drive. I just want to rest a little, OK?

Jackie: Sure. I should unpack anyway. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I can't wait to start looking for apartments!

Peter: (Heading towards the bathroom) Yeah. Should be fun. (He closes the door to the bathroom, closes the lid to the toilet and sits down. He puts his head in his hands and runs his fingers through his hair. He starts talking to himself) What have I done? (Pause) I can't do this. (He reaches into his jacket pocket for the envelope). Oh my God! Where is it? (He takes off his jacket and looks frantically for it. He exits the bathroom).

Peter: (Frantic) Uh, I gotta go check the car.

Jackie: Is everything OK?

Peter: (Covering) Yeah, sure. I'm just looking for my wallet. I must have left it in the car. I'll be right back.

(He exits leaving Jackie a little confused. He starts riffling through the car but comes up empty).

Peter: (To himself) Where the hell is it?

**Cut To: Forman's basement. Schotzie is playing with something underneath the couch cushion. He pulls it out with his teeth. It's the infamous envelope. Kitty starts calling him from upstairs.**

Kitty: Schotzie? Where are you baby?

(Schotzie perks up and drops the envelope on the floor and it slips underneath the couch. He heads upstairs).

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _W.B.'s apartment. Hyde is kneeling down by the safe. He has a stethoscope on and is trying to listen to the combination so he can open it._

_Hyde: (Frustrated) Damn it! James Bond makes this look so easy!_

_(He tries again)_

**Fade out.**


	20. Chapter 20

**

* * *

ONE MONTH LATER**

**Intro: Forman's Basement. Donna's sitting on the couch watching TV. Fez comes in. **

Fez: Hello Donna. How's Point Place's hottest blonde doing? -Gasp- Oh my God! You're hair! It's red!

Donna: Yeah. I missed my natural hair color so I dyed it back.

Fez: Jackie's going to be so mad at you.

Donna: Yeah, that's why I waited until she left.

Fez: Good call. So, have you heard from her?

Donna: A little. She finally found an apartment with Peter. She's kind of acting weird though. Like she wants to tell me something but can't somehow.

Fez: Oh no! Maybe she's trapped in her new world with Peter but realizes that she is really in love with me! She's torn with the fact that she needs some hot foreign forbidden love from her Fezzie.

Donna: (Disgusted) Uh, Fez?

Fez: (Off in another world) And now that she has realized it she finds herself saddened that I am no longer available.

Donna: Fez?

Fez: So she instead carries on with this sham of a relationship in order to try and convince herself that she is over me! I can picture it now.

(The scene tries to fade into a Dream Sequence until Eric comes down the stairs).

Eric: Hey guys! Donna I have great news!

(There is a sound of a record scratching as to indicate that Fez's dream has been halted).

Fez: Eric! You Son of a Bitch!

Eric: What did I do?

Donna: Saved me from a disgusting Fez story!

Eric: Oh. All right, score.

Donna: So, what's the great news?

Eric: We are finally leaving! The school called and said that we're ready to go!

Donna: Eric, that's awesome! (They hug).

Eric: There is some bad news, however.

Donna: Oh God, what?

Eric: Well, they found out about our housing glitch so we are back to the smaller ones.

Donna: How small?

Eric: Remember that trailer you bought?

Donna: That small!

Eric: No, about the size of the kitchen.

Donna: Oh crap.

Eric: Don't worry. I signed us up for two so when I do something stupid, you can just go live in the other one. Cause let's face it, you know I will. (They both start laughing).

Donna: (Hugging Eric) Eric, this is going to be so great.

(They pull away and notice Fez sitting on the couch with his eyes closed).

Eric: Fez? You OK buddy?

Fez: (Still with his eyes closed) No no Jackie. We must make love now. Kiss me my small auburn-haired vixen! (He starts smiling. Then, he slowly opens his eyes to see Eric & Donna staring at him). Uh, (pause) excuse me. I have to go do something. (He leaves).

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Chicago Police Academy. Kelso, along with a bunch of rookie cops are shooting targets at a driving range. **

Kelso: Man, this is fun. I could do this all day. (He turns to look at two other cops and is waving the gun around as he talks). So, where are you guys from?

Rookie Cop#1: (Scared) Whoa there slick! Watch where you're pointing that thing!

Rookie Cop#2: Yeah man. We've heard about you from other precincts. We do not need another incident like the Brennan case.

Kelso: What? Oh please. It was his fault for standing in my way.

Rookie Cop#1: In your way? He was going to the bathroom! He was nowhere near the targets!

Kelso: Yeah, but see me and this other cop were blindfolding each other and spinning three times around before we would shoot anything. You know, like pin the tail on the donkey.

Rookie Cop#1: (Whispering to the other cop) Sounds more like pin the police badge on the jackass. (Back to Kelso) So, what other stupid things have you done?

**Cut To: The Circle.**

Kelso: Let's see. (Pause) I've jumped off a water tower; dove into a huge patch of poison ivy, Ooh- had sex with a really fat chick!

Rookie Cop#1: (Wincing) Really? That's the worse yet.

Rookie Cop#2: Yeah man. That's scary. So come on, there have to be even dumber things than that?

Officer Walters: Ahem. How about smoking pot at the driving range while your boss Office Walters catches you?

Kelso: (Laughing) Yeah. That was really (realizing) Wait a minute. I don't remember that.

Rookie Cop#1: (Laughing) Oh man. You are so busted.

Rookie Cop#2: (Laughing) Yeah!

Officer Walters: You are all busted!

Kelso: Damn. I still think the fat chick was worse than this.

**Scene 2: Forman Kitchen. Kitty's frantically cleaning the stovetop with bright yellow gloves on. Red's reading the paper and drinking coffee. He starts to take notice of her behavior.**

Red: Kitty? What are you doing?

Kitty: (Frantic and talking a mile a minute) Nothing Red. This place needs to be clean so I'm cleaning it. I mean look at all of these crumbs. They're not just going to go away you know. So I have to clean it up fast before I cook again and

Red: (Walks over to her and stops her from cleaning) Kitty! Snap out of it!

Kitty: (Almost out of breath) Huh?

Red: Look, I know this is difficult.

Kitty: (Oblivious) Not really, you just scrub evenly in a circular motion and

Red: (Interrupting her) I'm talking about Eric leaving.

Kitty: Oh, that.

Red: Look, he's grown up now and it's time he lives his own life. He needs to make his own decisions and make his own choices no matter how much we want him to stay. It's important that we support him and then kick him out before he thinks he can live with us forever. (Starts laughing slightly).

Kitty: (Shocked) What did you say?

Red: You know, kick him out of the house.

Kitty: No, before that.

Red: Uh, make his own choices.

Kitty: No, after that.

Red: Oh hell Kitty! What is this 20 questions!

Kitty: You said you want him to stay!

Red: No I didn't.

Kitty: Yes you did.

Red: No I didn't!

Kitty: Yes you did!

Red: Kitty, what's next? Admitting that I love the boy? I mean of course I love Eric! (Covering his mouth with his hands) Damn it! Look what you made me do! I'm a pansyass now! I'm just like Bob!

Kitty: Oh Red! You're letting out your true feelings!

Red: Stop it! You're killing me woman! I have to get out of here! (He runs out of the kitchen. Kitty looks elated).

**Scene 3: A Manhattan bar in Midtown. Hyde walks in and sits at the bar. The place is a little dingy and smoky.**

Hyde: Hey, bartender? 1 beer please.

Bartender: (Turning around) Sure, no problem man.

(Hyde is shocked when he notices the bartender. He looks and acts just like Leo except he has blonde hair. The character is also played by Tommy Chong).

Hyde: Whoa man. This is freaky.

Bartender: Are you on something man? (Moving in closer towards Hyde) Because if you are, I want in.

Hyde: No. You just remind me of someone back home. You wouldn't happen to have a brother named Leo would ya?

Bartender: No, but then again I have a really bad memory man. (Pause) What did you order again?

Hyde: A beer. I'm Hyde.

Bartender: (Shaking hands) I'm Theo.

Hyde: (Taken aback) Theo?

Theo: So where you from man?

Hyde: Wisconsin.

Theo: Really? I think I lived there once. Wait no. I'm thinking of New York man.

Hyde: We're in New York.

Theo: Oh good. So I was right.

(Hyde gives him a weird look).

Theo: So, you look a little down man. What's on your mind?

Hyde: Nothing. I'm fine.

Theo: Look man, I may not be the most contraceptive bartender in the world,

Hyde: You mean, perceptive.

Theo: Uh, whatever. Anyway, I've been a bartender long enough to know when someone's down man.

(Long pause. Hyde remains silent).

Theo: Suit yourself man. There are plenty of other saps in this joint that I can talk to.

(Hyde looks around and sees that the bar is practically empty).

Hyde: -Sigh- Fine. I put everything out on the table for this girl and it was all for nothing. She pretty much played me for a fool so I've decided to never put myself in that situation again.

Theo: Whoa, I got you man. She was already married.

Hyde: No.

Theo: She slept with your brother?

Hyde: No.

Theo: She's really a man.

Hyde: God no.

Theo: Uh. I don't got you man.

Hyde: It doesn't matter anyway. She's made it pretty clear what she wants so, whatever. Fine by me. Sayonara.

Theo: Whoa. You're speaking my language dude. I think I'm part Chinese man.

Hyde: Actually, it's Japanese.

Theo: Really? You mean I'm Japanese too? That's awesome man.

Hyde: (Shaking his head) Wow. Leo really does have a brother!

(Theo looks strangely at him).

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Police station. Officer Walters is reprimanding Kelso, Rob & James. (The other rookie cops).**

Officer Walters: You three are in big trouble.

Rob: Sir, if I may.

Officer Walters: You may not.

Kelso: Look, this is my fault not theirs. I made them smoke with me.

Officer Walters: Oh really? So when James over here was showing you all how to French inhale he was at gunpoint?

Kelso: (Thinking about the question) Exactly. So

Officer Walters: (Interrupting him) How dumb do you think I am? You are all on probation for 1 week.

James: Probation? You mean like in Animal House when the Dean puts Delta on double secret probation? (Laughing) Man, that was awesome.

Officer Walters: No, just probation. Stop watching those dumb movies son. They'll kill your brain. Now get out of here.

(They all go to leave. Officer Walters stops Kelso).

Officer Walters: Not you. Sit down. (Kelso sits) Now you listen and you listen good. I will not be made a fool of. You will conduct yourself like a Chicago police officer for the remainder of your training or you will be out on your ass. Do you understand me?

Kelso: (Scared) Yes sir.

Officer Walters: I mean you screw up once. I mean, one more time, and you're done.

Kelso: OK. Thanks for giving me another shot sir.

Officer Walters: I'm only doing this because I like a challenge.

Kelso: I'm very challenged sir.

Officer Walters: (Rolling his eyes) Don't I know it. Now, get out of here. (Kelso goes to leave) Oh, and uh, pretty boy?

Kelso: (Turning towards him) Yeah?

Officer Walters: Next time you feel the need to toke up, you may want to include me. It might just get you off the hook, if you know what I mean.

Kelso: Whoa! Awesome, thanks. (He leaves).

Officer Walters: What a kettlehead.

**Scene 5: Donna's bedroom. She's packing and talking on the phone to Jackie.**

Donna: Uh huh. (Pause) Uh huh. (Rolling her eyes) Uh huh.

Jackie: Donna? You sound bored.

Donna: (Sarcastically) Huh, really? Could it be that I've spent the last 10 minutes listening to you talk about your hair? Anyway, I have great news. Eric and I are finally heading down to South America.

Jackie: I thought you said you had great news?

Donna: Jackie!

Jackie: Well no offense Donna but we're talking about South America not Paris; or Disney Land.

Donna: (Confused) Disney Land?

Jackie: Whatever. You know what I mean. So, when are you leaving?

Donna: Tomorrow. Jackie I can't believe that Eric and I are finally going to be together on our own.

Jackie: (Half-heartedly) Yeah, great.

Donna: Jackie, what's wrong?

Jackie: Nothing. I'm just so happy for you guys.

Donna: Thanks. I mean you're happy too, right?

Jackie: (Covering) Pft, of course. (Looking down at her ring. She starts to get excited) Donna, you'll never guess what happened to me!

Donna: (Sarcastic) If this is about your hair again I'm hanging up.

Jackie: No. Well, I'm not really supposed to say anything but I can't keep it a secret any more.

Donna: (Curious) What is it?

Jackie: Peter and I are engaged!

Donna: (Shocked) What!

Jackie: Yeah! He proposed right before we left!

Donna: (Shocked) Jackie! You never even told us!

Jackie: I know. Peter felt it would be better if we waited until later to tell everyone.

Donna: (Suspicious) Why? (Changing her train of thought) Oh my God! I can't believe you're getting married!

Jackie: I know! I mean, we want to wait a while until we're officially ready but isn't it great?

Donna: If you're happy.

Jackie: Of course I'm happy. Anyway, I have to go. Don't tell anybody about this yet. We're going to wait for just the right time to tell everyone, OK?

Donna: Sure. I'll call you when we get down there.

Jackie: OK. Have a great trip!

Donna: Thanks. Bye.

Jackie: Bye.

(They hang up. Eric walks in holding up 2 hideous Hawaiian shirts).

Eric: Hey there good looking. Which shirt looks better for the plane? (Holds up the 1st one) This one? (Changing his voice into a sexy tone) Hi. I'm Eric Forman. (Holding up the 2nd one) Or this one. (Changing his voice so it's more distinguished sounding) Hi. I'm Eric Forman.

(Donna is sitting on the bed in a daze).

Eric: Donna?

Donna: (Snapping out of it and looking at the shirts) Eric? You can't be serious about either one of them.

Eric: Hey, what's up?

Donna: Nothing. I just spoke with Jackie and she told me that Peter asked her to marry him.

Eric: What? Why?

Donna: Eric.

Eric: Sorry, I mean it is Jackie though. (Gets the chills and shakes it off).

Donna: Anyway, she said yes.

Eric: So, what's the problem?

Donna: Do you remember when they were here saying goodbye to everyone? He was acting really weird, don't you think?

Eric: He was probably nervous about asking her.

Donna: But see that's the thing. She said that he had already asked her before they were leaving and didn't say anything.

Eric: Donna, this is Jackie Burkhart you are talking about. She couldn't keep something like that a secret. She's probably just messing with you.

Donna: (Not totally convinced) Yeah, I guess you're right. Something seems fishy.

Eric: (Smelling one of the shirts) I think it's one of these shirts. I knew I should have washed it after that fishing trip.

(Donna gives him a disgusted look).

Eric: Well, I have to finish packing. (Kisses her head) See you later. (He leaves).

(Donna is sitting there still thinking about the situation).

Donna: (Sniffing) Damn! Now it smells like fish in here!

**Scene 6: Forman basement. Kitty is frantically cleaning again. She notices Schotzie by the couch.**

Kitty: Well hello there Schotzie. Are you watching Mommy clean? Don't tell Red. I think he's still pissy because I got him to admit some things about himself. (She sits down and starts petting him). That's what is so good about dogs. You're affectionate all of the time, not just when you're drunk. (Schotzie jumps off of the couch and starts playing with something underneath. Kitty gets up and tries to head upstairs). Come on baby. Let's go upstairs. (Schotzie ignores her). Schotzie? What do you have there? (She pulls an envelope out of his mouth). Oh, this looks like it's for Jackie. I'll just give it Donna. Come on, let's go. We have to say goodbye to Eric. (Begins sobbing).

**Cut To: Forman's kitchen. Red is standing next to Kitty with his arm around her. Kitty is wiping tears from her eyes. Eric and Donna are saying goodbye. **

Eric: Well, I guess this is it. (Kitty cries harder) Come on Mom. I'll be back for Christmas break.

Donna: Yeah. And we already sat through my Dad's sobbing. I'm not sure how much more we can take.

Red: Aw geez. What a pansyass.

Eric: Where's Laurie?

Red: Oh, she wanted us to tell you goodbye.

Eric: (Sarcastic) Huh, that was nice of her.

Red: Eric, good luck. I know you're going to do great.

Eric: Really, you think so?

Red: Well, you have to be great at something, for God's sake. I mean, we've been searching for 19 years now.

Eric: (Sarcastic) Thanks.

(Red goes to hug Eric as the camera pans out to show Fez clutched to Eric's leg).

Red: Oh will someone get Kemosabe here off of Eric?

Kitty: (Helping Fez up) Come on dear.

Fez: (Crying) I will miss you Eric, Donna. Don't forget about me. (He hugs them both then leaves).

(Kitty grabs Eric and hugs him tightly. Then she hugs Donna).

Kitty: You take care of my baby.

Donna: I will Mrs. Forman.

Kitty: (Wiping tears away from her eyes) Oh, and I found this under the couch. It has Jackie's name on it. I thought maybe you could send it to her.

Donna: Sure, thanks.

Eric: Well, I guess we should be going.

(Everyone heads outside. There is a cab waiting in the driveway. Red & Kitty are hugging Eric. Donna is off-screen).

Red: Now try not to be a dumbass out there.

Kitty: Yes and always know how much we love you.

Eric: Thanks guys. I guess we should head to the airport. Donna, are you ready?

Donna: (Yelling) Oh my God!

Eric: Donna? What is it?

(She's holding the letter that Kitty gave her).

Donna: I have to call Jackie. (She runs towards the kitchen).

Eric: What? Now? Our flight leaves in an hour.

Kitty: Oh happy day! Schotzie? Where are you baby? (She finds him and picks him up) You saved the day! Eric and Donna are delayed! Yeah!

Eric: Mom? What did that letter say?

Kitty: Oh honey I don't know. Your sneaky harlot girlfriend looked at it I didn't. (To Schotzie in baby talk) Didn't she? Yes she did.

Eric: So now what?

Red: Well, this is a sticky situation son. (He heads into the kitchen with Kitty while Eric is still outside). But, you've overstayed your welcome here so, good luck! (He closes the sliding glass door, locks it and starts laughing).

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _Fez is dreaming. He's sitting on a red velvet couch in a club with Rhonda on one arm and Jackie on the other. They are both kissing his ears._

_The scene changes back to reality to show Fez in bed dreaming with Rhonda sleeping next to him._

_Fez: (Talking in his sleep) Oh Rhonda. Rhonda you sex kitten. (Rhonda looks over at Fez and is smiling). Oh, how could I forget you Jackie._

_Rhonda: (Shocked) What! Jackie!_

_(She starts hitting Fez with a pillow and wakes him up)_

_Fez: Ai!_

**Fade out.**


	21. Season Finale Part I

**Intro: The Vista Cruiser. Eric is driving and Donna is in the passenger seat. They're heading to Madison.**

Eric: I can't believe we have to delay our trip so you can talk to Jackie. This is absurd.

Donna: I tried calling her but she wasn't there. Eric, you don't understand. This is really, really important.

Eric: What's so important?

Donna: (Pause) It's personal.

Eric: (Mad) Personal! You're making me miss my flight, delay meetings with my colleagues, and drive across the state! It doesn't get much more personal than that!

Donna: Don't get twitchy! It's just, well it's from Hyde and I don't think he would appreciate it if you read it.

Eric: (Getting madder) What! You read it!

Donna: (Feeling guilty) I know, OK?

Eric: (Frustrated) Who knows? Maybe Schotzie even read it!

Donna: Eric!

Eric: (Yelling) In fact, everyone on the planet besides Jackie and me probably read it!

Donna: (Yelling) Eric! Slow down!

(A Police siren is heard off-screen and lights are flashing).

Eric: (Frustrated) Great! See what you did!

Donna: (Mad) Me! You're the one who's driving like Andretti!

Eric: Well Donna, if you weren't yelling in my ear I might be able to concentrate. (He pulls the car over).

Donna: (Bitchy) Oh I am so not talking to you right now!

(A police officer walks up to the car).

Eric: (Trying to be charming) Hey there officer. How's it going? Lovely weather we're having.

Police Officer: License and registration please.

(Eric looks over at Donna).

Eric: Donna? Little help?

(She folds her arms across her chest and turns her head towards the window ignoring him).

Eric: (To Donna while he's reaching over her) Thanks a lot. (He grabs them out of the glove compartment and hands them to the officer). Here you are, sir.

Police Officer: I'll be right back.

Eric: (Stopping him) Officer? Would it help if I told you that my friend Michael Kelso used to be a cop in Wisconsin?

Police Officer: Kelso? Michael Kelso? Tater-nuts? (Starts laughing hysterically).

Eric: (Astonished) You heard that story?

Police Officer: (Laughing) You're actually friends with that guy? (Laughing harder) I was going to give you a warning but hell I can't wait to tell the guys at the station that I gave a ticket to one of his friends! (Still laughing, he walks back to the squad car).

Eric: (Looking over at Donna) I can't believe this.

Donna: Don't look at me. I'm still not talking to you.

Eric: No I mean, who would have thought that Tater-Nuts was known statewide?

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Forman's Kitchen. Kitty and Red are drinking coffee and eating breakfast. Laurie comes in.**

Laurie: (Grabbing a piece of toast off of the table) See you guys later.

Kitty: And just where do you think you're going?

Laurie: To look for apartments.

Kitty: Really? Or are you just saying that?

Laurie: I guess I'm just saying that. See ya!

Red: (Stopping her) No, no, no. This isn't an option. You need to find someplace to live. And that someplace is not here.

Laurie: But Daddy, it's hard to find a place out there. We've been looking really, really hard but we can't seem to find anything.

(Martin comes in through the sliding glass doors).

Martin: Great news honey! I found us an apartment!

Laurie: (Slightly embarrassed) See?

Red: Well, isn't that great news, right Laurie?

Laurie: (Covering) Yay!

Martin: (To Laurie) Come on. I want to show it to you. It's just perfect.

Kitty: Uh Martin? Why don't you come into the living room and sit down and have some toast and coffee.

Martin: OK, but just a half a cup. My ulcer has been acting up lately.

(They head into the living room).

Red: Laurie? What's going on?

Laurie: Nothing.

Red: Don't lie to me.

Laurie: OK look Daddy, I don't think I want to live with Martin OK?

Red: Oh God! First Eric delay's his trip and now this. Well that's it. (Starts to yell) I have had it! If you two won't leave than Kitty and I will have to move!

Laurie: It's not that Daddy. It's just, Martin means a lot to me and I don't want to screw that up.

Red: Excuse me?

Laurie: I just don't want to be the same girl that I was. You know, someone who would sleep (sees Red's shocked reaction), I mean date a lot of guys and then just move on. I really want this one to stick. And, if I move in with him, I'm afraid that it won't.

Red: Look kitten, I always knew that you weren't Daddy's little angel all of the time. And as long as I blocked it out of my mind, I was able to live with it. But, you're an adult now. And, if you want to make this relationship work, you have to take the next step.

Laurie: Really Daddy? So you won't be disappointed in me?

Red: (Hugging her) Of course not sweetheart. I already went through that when you dated Kelso.

Laurie: Yeah. I think I was going through a destructive phase.

**Scene 2: Jackie and Peter's apartment. Jackie's sitting on the bed painting her nails while Peter's frantically looking around the room for one of his books. **

Peter: Jackie? Have you seen my History book?

Jackie: No. (Continues painting her nails).

Peter: I'm so late. The class already started 10 minutes ago!

Jackie: So? Just go there and share with someone else.

Peter: You don't understand. There's an open book quiz today.

Jackie: OK, so let the guy next to you take the test and then just copy his answers.

Peter: You're not helping.

Jackie: Ugh! I can't concentrate with you being all hysterical. (She stops painting her nails and throws a book to the side).

Peter: Jackie? Were you painting your nails on my History book?

Jackie: (Realizing) Oh, I guess I was. It really has the perfect thickness and durability that provides the best quality manicure.

Peter: Huh, you've really thought this through. Anyway, gotta go. (He grabs the book, kisses her on her head and exits).

(Jackie goes back to painting her nails. The phone rings).

Jackie: Damn! Why can't I just paint my nails in peace! (She picks up the phone) Hello?

Donna: Jackie? Thank God you're there! I've been calling all morning!

Jackie: Let me guess. You woke up and got a clue and said to yourself, "Oh my God! I'm actually going to South America with Eric? Ew!"

Donna: Uh, no that's not it. Look, I'm at a rest stop about 30 miles outside of Madison.

Jackie: Madison?

Donna: Yeah, look can you meet me somewhere? It's really important.

Jackie: Why don't you just come to my apartment?

Donna: No! I mean, I'd rather not have Peter around.

Jackie: Why? Does this have something to do with Eric?

Donna: Uh, (covering) yes! Yes it does. I'm having problems with Eric and I need to talk to you about it alone.

(Eric walks up and overhears).

Eric: What the hell!

Donna: (Covering the phone) Shh. I'm just covering.

Eric: (Pissy and waiving his finger at Donna) Oh you better be missy. Because this is all your fault. This has been a horrendous day and

Donna: (Cutting him off) Shh. We'll talk about it later. Go find a vending machine and pick us up some Twinkies.

Eric: (Walking away) Twinkies will not solve our problems Donna.

Donna: (Rolling her eyes at Eric as he walks away) Jackie?

Jackie: Yeah?

Donna: Is there a place I can meet you?

Jackie: OK, there's a little coffee shop on the corner of Speedway & Midvale.

Donna: Great! I'll meet you there in an hour.

Jackie: OK, bye.

Donna: Bye.

(Eric comes back and hands something to Donna).

Eric: All they had were Chunkies. (He takes a bite and then throws it on the ground. He starts whining) It just isn't the same, you know?

(Donna shakes her head at him and exits).

Eric: What? (He follows her).

**Scene 3: Chicago Police Academy. Kelso, Rob & James are in class. Rob's snoring and James is reading a dirty magazine. Kelso has a big cup of coffee on his desk, sharpened pencils and his textbook is open. Officer Walters is conducting class. **

Officer Walters: OK, now. Can anyone tell me the penalty for urinating in public?

James: (To Kelso) Ha Ha! He said urinating. (Laughing. Kelso ignores him)

(Kelso raises his hand).

Officer Walters: Yes Officer Kelso?

Kelso: For 1st time offenders there is a penalty of $20. However, if they are belligerent and/or drunk, the fines are usually higher based on the jurisdiction.

Officer Walters: (Shocked) Officer Kelso. That was a very concise answer. You are correct. Thank you.

Kelso: Oh no sir, thank you. (They both smile at each other. Officer Walters turns around and writes something on the blackboard).

James: (Grabbing Kelso's arm and whispering to him) Dude, what are you doing?

Kelso: What? I'm paying attention.

James: Well stop it! You're freaking Rob and me out. (They look over at Rob who is snoring louder).

Officer Walters: OK, here's a tricky one. When entering a perpetrator's home, what is the first thing an officer should do in order to clear the room?

(Kelso raises his hand again) Yes, Officer Kelso?

Kelso: When an officer enters, he should check all corners of the room first. That way he has covered all angles out of his peripheral view.

Officer Walters: Correct again, Officer Kelso.

(The class moans and rolls their eyes. Kelso has a goofy smile on his face and begins sharpening more pencils at his desk).

Kelso: Why thank you sir.

James: (Whispering to Kelso) You disgust me.

Kelso: You're just jealous because I'm smarter than you.

James: Smarter than me? I'm not the one who got my head stuck in the steering wheel. Again!

Kelso: Hey! Those steering wheels can be very tricky. Besides, I've already been warned by Officer Walters so there is no way that I'm going to screw this up.

**Cut To: Outside the classroom, Fez shows up. He's holding a six-pack of beer, some dirty magazines, and fireworks.**

Kelso: Fez! What are you doing here?

Fez: You said I could come and visit, so here I am. And I brought all of our favorite things! Let's go! (He exits and Kelso is torn on what to do next. Rob & James overhear and walk by Kelso).

James: (Laughing and slapping the back of Kelso's shoulder). Good luck, man. (Laughing harder).

Rob: (To James as they are leaving) Hey man? Did I miss anything good in class?

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Theo's Bar. Hyde walks in and sits at the bar. Theo is cleaning some glasses.**

Theo: Hey man. You look beat.

Hyde: Yeah, it's been a rough day. We had so many customers in the store today. I don't even think there are that many people in Wisconsin man.

Theo: Looks like you could use a nice tall cold one.

Hyde: Now we're talking.

(Theo reaches behind the bar and hands Hyde a tall glass of water filled with ice).

Hyde: Uh, thanks man. But I was hoping for a beer.

Theo: OK, suit yourself. But alcohol will only kill your brain cells man.

Hyde: You know, you might want to rethink telling that to your customers. I mean, you own a bar.

Theo: I know. I got to work on my PR man. So, how's apartment hunting going?

Hyde: Eh, it's hard for me to even want to look. My Dad's place is so sweet that even his closets have marble trim. His clothes have lived a better life than I have!

Theo: That's cool man.

Hyde: Yeah, it's like the ultimate chick palace you know?

Theo: Whoa. You've been getting major action up there?

Hyde: Actually, no. Huh, (pause) now that I think about it, that sucks.

Theo: Hell yeah it sucks. You better get on that man. Can't let a sweet spread like that go to waste.

Hyde: Yeah, I mean what am I waiting for?

Theo: Beats me. Wait, is that like a trick question man? Cause I'm not good at those.

(A tall gorgeous blonde walks in with two other girls and sits down at a table. Hyde checks her out).

Hyde: Wow, perfect timing.

Theo: (Looking in the girls direction) You're not kidding, man. I've been waiting all night for my girlfriend to show up.

Hyde: (Shocked) What? No way. She's your girlfriend?

(The blonde gets up and heads towards the bar. There is another woman sitting behind her. She's older and looks real slutty. Theo waves at her).

Theo: See her? Isn't she great?

Hyde: (Realizing) Sure. (Notices the blonde walking towards him. She stops at the bar).

Blonde: (To Theo) Excuse me? My friends and I would like to order a round of drinks.

Hyde: Uh, I can take care of that for you. What are you all having?

Blonde: (Impressed) Um, 3 Tom Collins.

Hyde: Sure. (To Theo) Hey, 3 Tom Collins and I'll have another beer.

Blonde: (Sexily) My name's Lisa.

Hyde: I'm Hyde.

Lisa: Why don't you come and join us?

Hyde: Don't mind if I do. (He looks back at Theo and grabs the drinks).

Theo: Wow man, impressive.

Hyde: That's what I'm all about. These chicks are hot.

Theo: No, I'm talking about the way you're able to carry 3 Tom Collins and a beer man. That's like art or something.

(Hyde gives him a strange look and heads towards the girls' table).

**Scene 5: Forman's Living Room. Kitty & Red are watching TV. Laurie and Martin enter from the kitchen.**

Laurie: Hey Mom, Dad.

Red: Hello, sweetheart. So, how was the apartment?

Laurie: Great. And it's really not that expensive.

Martin: Yeah. I'm in the process of moving my dealership out here and I can't really afford too many additional expenses. I blame the damn government.

Red: (Infuriated) What!

Martin: Yeah, the government. I mean I fought for this country and all, but I don't really respect them that much anymore, you know?

Red: (Still infuriated) No, I really don't know. Why don't you explain it to me?

(Silence)

Kitty: (Signature laugh) Ok, let's just change the subject. So Laurie, when are you moving in?

Red: (Cutting Laurie off) Never! My little girl will not be living with this degenerate!

Laurie: But Daddy

Red: (Interrupting) No buts! Get upstairs young lady!

Laurie: No!

Red: What!

Laurie: You heard me. All this time you have been saying how I am an adult now and I should be making all of my own decisions. Well now I am and you can't do anything about it anymore!

Red: Laurie, I only said those things so you would move out. You should know by now not to take everything I say so literally.

Kitty: Red?

Martin: Look Red

Red: (Interrupting) There's nothing I need to hear from you.

Martin: Well, then I guess this is a bad time to officially ask you for Laurie's hand in marriage.

Red: (Shocked) What!

Kitty: I thought we agreed that you would wait awhile first.

Martin: Yeah. We talked it over and realized that if we're going to be living together, we should get married first.

Red: Yeah well, think again buddy because that's never going to happen!

Laurie: (To Martin) Boy, our timing has been really bad today huh?

Kitty: Oh no! Are you saying that you two are already married!

Martin: (Scared) Surprise! (Hesitantly, he walks over to Red & Kitty) Mom! Dad! (He hugs them. Red & Kitty are in shock).

**Scene 6: Coffee Shop in Madison. Jackie is sitting at a table reading a magazine. Donna & Eric walk in.**

Jackie: Hey Donna. Eric?

Donna: (Nervous) Hey Jackie. (They sit down).

Jackie: (Studying Donna) Oh no! Is this what you wanted to tell me? That you went back to being a redhead! Ick!

Donna: (Rolling her eyes) No.

Jackie: (Trying to whisper to Donna) Donna? I thought you wanted to talk about Eric? What's he doing here?

Donna: (Covering) Huh? Oh right. (To Eric, poorly acting) Uh, I hate you. Can you go away for a couple of minutes so I can bitch about you?

Eric: (Trying not to laugh) You can't be serious.

Donna: (Again, poorly acting) I'm very serious. I'm really mad at you and I need my best friend Jackie to help me through this.

Eric: (Babbling and getting upset) Hey, I'm missing my flight right now, we didn't even get the good housing, I got pulled over by a cop, the vending machine didn't have any Twinkies, and now you're asking me to leave? If you think I'm leaving, you have another thing coming woman!

(Donna and Jackie are in complete shock).

Donna: Eric? I've never seen you like this before.

Eric: (Still yelling) Yeah, well! (His normal voice) Yeah, that felt good.

Donna: I'm like so turned on now.

Eric: Really?

(Staring at each other).

Jackie: (Disgusted) OK, this is so gross! Thanks for stopping by, but I'm leaving. (She tries to stand and Donna pulls her back down).

Donna: You're right, sorry. Jackie, Eric isn't the reason I came to see you.

Jackie: He isn't? Oh, was it to see my ring? (She shows them the ring. Eric and Donna recognize it right away and are absolutely shocked).

Eric/Donna: Oh my God!

Donna: This is worse than I thought.

Jackie: Yeah, don't feel bad Eric. Not everyone can afford a ring like this.

Donna: Jackie, you need to read this. (She pulls out the letter from her pocket). Hyde left this in your room the night he left.

Jackie: What? What are you talking about? (She opens the letter and starts reading it).

Jackie,

Hey. I'm really not good at this type of stuff. But, anyway, I've left for New York. You probably don't even care. But, if for some reason you do care, then I'm hoping you'll come out here with me. You see, when I was growing up, I learned to hate people because they never used to bother with me. But then I realized that it was me who was shutting them out. And now I can see how important people are to me. And mostly, I realized that the most meaningful person in my life is you. I never meant to hurt you or take you for granted, but I know I did. So, to show you that I'm serious, I've enclosed this engagement ring. I'm not saying that either one of us is ready, but it's a promise that one day we will be together. My address is on the back of this in case you feel the same way. Otherwise, whatever. It was never meant to be. So, I guess that's it.

I love you.

Steven

(Jackie has tears coming down her face. She looks inside of the envelope for the ring).

Jackie: Where is it?

Donna: You're wearing it.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** The Circle. Police Academy classroom. Fez, Kelso, Rob & James.

_Kelso: Sorry for my absence lately, you guys. It took my little buddy Fez here to help me realize what's really important._

_Rob: Chicks? No, food? No, beer? No_

_James: (To Rob) Don't hurt yourself there buddy. No, what's important is to have fun and not get caught._

_Fez: Exactly my new cop friends. Kelso can still be a screw up, he just has to be more careful._

_Officer Walters: Ahem._

_Rob: Uh, oh._

_James: Busted._

_Fez: Ai!_

_Kelso: It's all right my friends. Tonight, we learn what's really important. Offering our stash to those who could crush us, may actually save us._

_Rob/James/Fez: Oh/I see._

_Officer Walters: Does anybody have a light? (Big smile on his face)._

**Fade out.**


	22. Season Finale Part II

**Intro: Forman's Living Room. Martin is still hugging Red & Kitty while Laurie looks on.**

Martin: (Pulling away from them) I know this comes as a complete shock but

Red: (Mad) You have no idea.

Laurie: But we're really in love and we want to make this work.

Kitty: Oh Laurie. First Fez now Martin?

Red: Who?

Kitty: Tonto? Kemosabe?

Red: Right, (pointing his finger at Laurie) that guy.

Laurie: This is different. Martin means the world to me.

Kitty: So then why couldn't you wait so we could have a wedding? At the rate I'm going, I'll never be the mother at a wedding. (Breaks down into tears. Red consoles her).

Red: (Getting even more upset) You see what you did? You've upset your mother!

Laurie: Hey, it wasn't me who left Donna at the altar.

(Kitty cries even louder).

Martin: Look Red, we didn't want a long, drawn out affair. It costs too much and frankly, I'm not much of a party guy.

Red: (Hesitant) Well, I have to agree with you there.

Laurie: And when we were looking around for apartments it just hit us. We want to be together forever. Or at least until Martin enters a nursing home.

Martin: (To Laurie) You won't be by my side for that?

Laurie: (To Martin) Uh, will talk later. (To everyone) So can you understand?

(Pause)

Red: -Sigh- I just want what's best for you, kitten. And I'm not so sure this guy is it.

Martin: Red, I know I said some things about the government that upset you and I apologize for that. My own feelings on that subject should be kept to myself. I mean hell, you almost lost your life in Korea and I should have been more sensitive.

Red: (Trying to fight off the feeling of forgiving Martin) Yeah, well you should think about that next time.

Martin: And Kitty, we can have a ceremony in your church if that will make you feel better. I would hate to spoil your dream of being a mother of the bride.

Kitty: (Wiping tears away) Really?

Martin: Of course. Also, I have brought you a token of my appreciation for your daughter's hand in marriage.

(They go into the kitchen and head towards the sliding glass doors. A brand new black Cadillac is sitting in the driveway).

Martin & Laurie: Surprise!

Kitty: (Shocked and speaking to Red) Oh this guy is good.

Red: (Fighting back tears) Welcome to the family son! (He slaps Martin on his back and heads towards the car).

**Opening credits start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Coffee shop in Madison. Jackie & Donna are sitting at the table. Eric is on the payphone.**

Eric: What? She got married again? (Pause) And you're not mad? (Pause) I see. (Pause) A Cadillac? (Pause) Leather interior? (Pause) Damn, nice touch. (Pause) Well, we're going to head for the airport soon. I'll call you when we land. (Pause) I love you too Mom. (Pause) Ok, tell Dad thanks for that last foot-in-the-ass comment. Bye.

(Eric heads back to the table where Donna & Jackie are sitting. Jackie has her hand over her mouth, and she's looking down at her ring).

Jackie: (Tearing up) I don't understand.

Donna: Jackie, Peter must have found the letter and hid it from you.

Jackie: What? But, that was over a month ago! So how did you find it?

Donna: Schotzie found it under the couch in the basement.

Jackie: (Still shocked and confused) But why would he use this ring to propose? I just don't understand.

(Jackie looks up and sees Peter at the door of the coffee shop. He heads over to the table. He notices the letter and then looks down at the ground).

Peter: Jackie, I don't know what to say.

Eric: (Standing up) Well I do! You're a lying, backstabbing, conniving, uh (looks at Donna for another word)

Donna: (To Eric) Devious?

Eric: Right! Devious human being with no morals or compassion! (Shakes his head) Yeah! (To Donna) Showed him. (He sits back down).

Peter: Jackie, I

Jackie: (Interrupting) You know what Peter, I really don't care what you have to say. (Looking down at the ring again and then back up at Peter) Nice touch using the same line in the letter to propose to me. (Looking back down and slightly smirking).

Peter: I was going to tell you, but when I lost the letter I got scared.

Jackie: (Calm) Yeah well, it doesn't matter anyway. (She stands up and gathers her things) I'll have my stuff sent back to my house.

Peter: Wait Jackie,

Jackie: (Interrupting) If you have ruined things between Steven and me I will never forgive you! (Pause) But, anyway thank you.

Peter: Excuse me?

Jackie: Yeah. Because of you, I have finally realized who I'm meant to be with. I'm sorry Peter. But I've been in love with Steven for a long time. I just didn't see it until now.

(Pause)

Peter: Well, if that's how you really feel. I guess that's it. (Pause) Goodbye Jackie. (Starts to leave but then turns back around to face Jackie) I never meant to hurt you.

Jackie: Goodbye Peter.

(Peter exits).

Eric: Whoa! That was awesome! You didn't even flinch! You were all like (imitating Jackie's voice) "Hey Peter, I could give a rat's ass about you." And he was all like (imitating a whinny Peter voice) "No Jackie I love you. Please don't leave me! Wha!" Jackie, that was like the coolest thing ever!

Donna: (Slapping Eric in the head) Eric, you dillhole! Show a little sympathy, will you? Jackie? Are you OK?

Jackie: I'm fine Donna. And thank you Eric.

Donna: You're fine?

Jackie: Yeah, so when are you guys leaving for the airport?

Donna: Uh, now why?

Jackie: Because I'm coming with you. I have to see Steven. I just hope it's not too late. (Hugs Donna) Thank you for coming here.

Donna: Of course. You would have done the same for me.

Eric: Ahem!

(Donna & Jackie pull apart).

Jackie: What's your problem?

Eric: I'm still in the dark here. Now can I read the letter?

Jackie: Sure. Here you go. (She hands something to him. Donna & Jackie leave while Eric stands there studying what Jackie just handed to him).

Eric: (Yelling after them) Hey! This is the coffee menu! (He starts walking towards the exit. He stops and then looks at the counter) Are you serious? 50 cents for a small coffee? This in an outrage! You're robbing innocent patrons with these inflated prices!

Donna: (Off-screen) Eric!

Eric: Right. (Looking back into the store and pointing his finger) This isn't over!

(People in the store start moaning and throwing things at him).

Eric: I'll see you all in hell. (He exits).

**Scene 2: W.B.'s apartment. Hyde is sitting on the couch with Lisa who is drunk. They're drinking beers. **

Lisa: So Hyde, this place is awesome. -hiccup-

Hyde: Yeah, it's not a bad little pad.

Lisa: (Slurring) Little? I've never seen a bathroom that big in the city before. You could fit at least 5 people in that shower!

Hyde: Huh, let's see what it's like with just 2 people.

(He leans in and kisses her).

Lisa: Oh, Hyde.

(They kiss again. She leans back so Hyde's almost on top of her).

Lisa: Hyde? (Pause) Hyde?

Hyde: (Still kissing her) Yeah?

Lisa: I think I'm going to be sick. (She pushes him off of her and heads towards the bathroom).

Hyde: (To himself) Damn. I must be way off my game.

**Cut To: The Police Academy. All of the rookies are standing in a line at attention. Officer Walters is addressing them. Fez is standing with a crowd of people looking on. There is a tall man in front of him so he can't really see.**

Fez: (To the man in front of him) Excuse me sir? I can't see. Do you mind if I

Tall Man: (Interrupting him) Sure no problem.

**Cut To: Fez is sitting on the tall man's shoulders.**

Fez: Uh, this isn't really what I had in mind but thank you.

Tall Man: Anytime my foreign friend.

Officer Walters: (To the crowd) Good evening ladies and gentlemen. It gives me great honor to present to you our recent Chicago Police Academy graduates of 1979. Let's give them a hand.

(Everyone claps. Rob & James come up to where Fez and the tall man are).

Fez: (Looking down and calling them but they can't really hear him) Hey guys! Psst! Yo, up here!

James: (Looking up) Fez? What the hell are you doing up there.

Rob: Dude, is this like your Dad or something?

Fez: No. (Struggles to get down off of the man's shoulders) Thanks sir. I may use you again later.

Tall Man: No problem. I need to pee anyway. (He exits).

Fez: Why aren't you guys dressed for the ceremony?

James: Because we didn't graduate retard.

Rob: Yeah. And your friend Kelso is going to pay for that.

Fez: What? It's not his fault you two are stupid.

James: Hey! Watch it pal! Besides, the plan is already in motion.

Rob: Oh yeah.

(Officer Walters is calling out their names one by one and honoring them with their guns and badges).

Officer Walters: Officer Hennings. (Everyone claps) Congratulations.

Officer Walters: Officer Jasper. (Everyone claps) Congratulations.

Officer Walters: Officer Kelso. (Everyone claps. Kelso shakes his hand). I'm so proud of you Michael. (Kelso remains silent and looks a little woozy). Are you OK? (Pause) Officer Kelso? You can move along now. (Pause) Kelso?

(Just then, Kelso pukes all over Officer Walters and then passes out).

Rob/James: (Hysterically laughing) Oh my God/That's the best!

Fez: (Upset) You bastards! (He runs up to Kelso) Kelso? Are you OK?

Kelso: (Waking up in a daze) Whoa. What happened?

Fez: Uh, let's just say that Officer Walters isn't your biggest fan right now.

Officer Walters: (Yelling off-screen) Kelso!

Fez: (To Kelso) Run! (Kelso takes off).

**Scene 3: Church. Kitty, Red, Martin, Laurie & Bob. Everyone is dressed up for Martin & Laurie's marriage ceremony. **

Martin: You look beautiful darling.

Laurie: (Wearing a red dress) Oh whatever. This dress is ugly.

Kitty: Yeah well we all know that you couldn't wear white. (Signature laugh).

Red: Kitty please! Not with God watching.

Bob: Why not? God always says "Never lie."

(Bob & Kitty laugh).

Red: Bob? Why are you here anyway?

Bob: Kitty invited me. Plus, I love weddings. (Looks around) Where's the food?

(Pastor Dave comes out from behind the altar).

Kitty: Oh, Pastor Dave. I'm so glad you were available to do Laurie's wedding.

Pastor Dave: Yeah well, none of the other Pastors would take it on so that left just me. (Slightly laughing).

Laurie: (Flirting) Hey Pastor Dave. Looking good.

Pastor Dave: (Blushing) Oh well, thank you. (Realizing) Um, -cough- OK, let's do this.

Kitty: (Pulling on Laurie's arm) Laurie, stop that.

Laurie: What?

(An old woman starts playing "Here Comes The Bride" on the organ. Pastor Dave cuts her off).

Pastor Dave: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join

(The camera pans close-up onto Red's face. He begins daydreaming. The background music is "Daddy's Little Girl." The first sequence shows Kitty in the hospital holding a newborn Laurie. Then, Laurie learning how to walk. Then, Laurie learning how to ride a bike. Then, Laurie beating up Eric. Then Laurie kissing Kelso as Red scares him away. And finally, it fades back into the wedding scene).

Pastor Dave: You may now kiss the bride.

(Martin & Laurie kiss and everyone claps).

Bob: (Tearing up) Oh geez.

Red: Oh cripes, Bob. You find every excuse in the book to cry.

Bob: (Wiping his eyes) OK, everyone get together. (He holds up a camera while everyone, including Pastor Dave gets in the picture). Everyone say "Go Packers!"

Everyone: Go Packers!

(The scene flashes and the still picture is shown. Red's eyes are closed, Kitty is smiling, Martin has his arm around Laurie, Laurie is kissing Pastor Dave on the cheek, and Pastor Dave looks shocked).

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Madison Airport. Eric & Donna are at the counter trying to get on the next flight.**

Airline Attendant: (Typing) I'm sorry sir. Your flight to Houston, then connecting to Caracas, Venezuela has already left.

Eric: Yes, I know. I was hoping to see what else you had available.

Airline Attendant: (Typing) Well, we do have a flight leaving here in an hour to Cleveland, than connecting to Houston, then arriving in Venezuela. Would you like me to book this for you?

Eric: Ugh, I guess so.

Airline Attendant: (Sternly) OK sir. That will be an additional $50 please.

Eric: What!

Airline Attendant: Yes. Ooh wait, that doesn't include the mules you will need to rent to get to your baggage. (Continues typing).

Donna: Mules? (To Eric) She's kidding, right?

Airline Attendant: (Sarcastic) I wish I were honey. Anyway, that comes to an additional $75.

Eric: Hold on for one minute. (Heads over to Jackie who is putting on lipstick). Give me $75 dollars.

Jackie: What for?

Eric: Hey! This is your fault that we missed our flight.

Jackie: So! Eric, I have more important things to worry about than whether or not you get to your hut before it washes away!

(They begin bickering loudly at each other).

Donna: (Rolling her eyes at them. To the Airline Attendant) Here's $75.

Airline Attendant: Thank you. Would you like a bench seat or a seat made out of hay?

Donna: Excuse me?

Airline Attendant: Oh dear. I guess you've never flown on one of our "premiere" propeller planes.

Donna: Premiere?

Airline Attendant: Yes. No actual seats. It's very exhilarating!

Donna: Oh crap. What the hell has Eric got me into!

(Jackie jumps in front of Donna just as she's finishing up).

Jackie: Excuse me Miss. But I need the first flight out of here to New York. (Donna & Eric are standing behind her bickering about their flights). You see, my ex-boyfriend is there and well, we never should have broken up. It's all my fault actually. He tried to tell me that we should be together but I wasn't listening. He means everything to me and I would just die if he didn't take me back. (Donna & Eric stop arguing and stare at Jackie).

Airline Attendant: (Sympathetically) Oh, you poor dear!

(Donna & Eric are rolling their eyes).

Airline Attendant: (Typing) Ooh, we have one leaving in about 45 minutes from this gate. It'll be $150 round trip.

Jackie: (Hands her a credit card) Here you go.

Airline Attendant: You know, I'm not really supposed to do this but I feel for your situation so here, take this. There is a first class seat open. Eric/Donna: What!

Jackie: Oh thank you Miss.

Airline Attendant: No problem. (Getting misty-eyed) I really hope everything works out for you in New York.

Eric: Oh this is crap!

Donna: Hell yeah!

Airline Attendant: Right this way Miss. (A tall burly man in a suit escorts Jackie to the gate). Ryan here will help you to the gate with your carry-ons.

Jackie: (Hugging Donna & Eric) Thanks so much you guys!

Donna: Good luck Jackie! (They pull apart) Let me know what happens.

Jackie: I will. Goodbye!

Ryan: Right this way Miss. (He carries her things and helps her to the gate).

Eric: (To the Airline Attendant) Uh, do we get someone to help us to the gate too?

Airline Attendant: (Yelling to someone behind her) Herb? Herb? Where the hell is he?

(Herb shows up. He's all dirty, wearing a wife-beater T-shirt, ripped jeans and no shoes on).

Herb: You folks ready?

Eric: Uh, yeah. No thanks.

Herb: Are you sure?

Eric: Uh (pause) Run for it Donna!

(They run towards their gate).

**Scene 5: Officer Walters' office. Kelso is sitting across from him.**

Kelso: Sir, it wasn't my fault. Rob or James must have slipped something into my Yoo-hoo.

Officer Walters: I know. Don't worry. I got them back.

**Cut To: Outside where the graduation ceremony was held. Rob & James are stripped down to their underwear and tied to 2 different poles. **

James: Dude? What happened?

Rob: I don't know. Someone must have drugged us and tied us to these poles.

James: (Looking over at Rob) Dude? Are you wearing Superman underwear?

Rob: (Covering) No.

James: What a loser. So what do we do now?

Rob: Not sure. What a dumb prank this was. I mean big deal, we're tied to poles.

James: I know, right?

(Just then, the sprinklers go off).

Rob & James: Ah!

**Cut Back To: Officer Walter's office.**

Kelso: That's awesome.

Officer Walters: Yeah. I can't wait to have another session with those two. (Standing up) Well, Officer Kelso, good luck out there.

Kelso: (Shaking his hand) Thanks sir. (He exits).

(Outside of Officer Walters' office, Brooke comes running up).

Brooke: Michael! There you are!

Kelso: Brooke? What are you doing here?

Brooke: Fez told me that you graduated and I wanted to come and congratulate you. (They hug).

Kelso: Thanks. So where's

Brooke: (Interrupting) Mark? I don't know actually. We broke up.

Kelso: Oh, sorry to hear that.

Brooke: (Smirking) No you're not. Anyway, Michael since I last saw you I haven't been able to take my mind off of you.

Kelso: Really? That makes sense. I am a pretty memorable guy.

Brooke: I think I was more worried about Betsy than my own feelings.

Kelso: So what are you saying?

Brooke: I'm saying, I'd like to maybe try and develop a relationship with you.

Kelso: (Goofy grin) You mean sexually?

Brooke: Well, yeah eventually I guess.

Kelso: So we're going to do it?

Brooke: Michael! (She lightly taps him on his arm).

Kelso: Oh yeah! You want me!

Brooke: (Smiling) You're a pig.

(They go in for a kiss and then hug).

Kelso: A pig who is going to get some.

**Scene 6: Houston Airport. On the connecting airplane. Donna & Eric are walking through what looks like a cargo plane. There are cushions, bails of hay, and bench seating all around. There are also a couple of crates of livestock in the back.**

Donna: Eric? What the hell is this?

Eric: Uh, not sure. So, which bail of hay would you like?

Donna: Uh, I signed us up for bench seating.

Eric: Oh. Man, so how long is this flight from Houston to South America?

Donna: From the looks of this plane, we won't make it past the runway!

Eric: Calm down. I'm sure it will be fine. (He walks by a woman holding a pig. The pig squeals loudly at him and he jumps). Hey! (To the pig, wagging his finger at him) You just watch it there buddy!

**Cut To: Jackie's flight. She is resting comfortably in 1st class with a pillow and blanket.**

Stewardess: (To Jackie) Miss? Would you like another cappuccino?

Jackie: Oh, no thank you. I'm already jumpy enough as it is.

Stewardess: What is it?

Jackie: -Sigh- Well, my boyfriend and I broke up because he wouldn't commit to me. But now he has professed his love for me and wants to even get married some day.

Stewardess: That's wonderful!

Jackie: Yeah, it would be if my other boyfriend didn't screw it up. If Steven doesn't take me back I don't know what I will do.

Stewardess: Oh, you poor thing. (Gives her a hug) I know what might cheer you up! (The stewardess wakes up another 1st class passenger) Miss? We could use your help.

Passenger: What is it?

Stewardess: This poor girl needs a little cheering up in the love department.

Passenger: Sure. I'll get my guitar.

Jackie: (Shocked) Oh my God! Your Agnetha from ABBA!

Agnetha: That's me. (She starts strumming on her guitar and breaks out into "Dancing Queen.")

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**Fade Out.**

**Tag:** _It's a montage of different scenes._

_1st Scene: Church reception Hall. "Daddy's Little Girl is playing." Red, Kitty, Bob, Pastor Dave, Laurie & Martin. Everyone is kind of drunk and they're all singing. Then, Pastor Dave falls down in a drunken stupor and they all laugh at him._

_2nd Scene: W.B.'s apartment. Hyde's on the phone trying to get a cab for Lisa who is still drunk. She's blasting The Doors "Break on Through." _

_Hyde: Would you turn that down please! (Into the phone) Hello?_

_Lisa: (Singing) Break on through! Break on through! (Picks up a picture of W.B.) Whoa! Hyde, you know Isaac Hayes? (Hyde rolls his eyes)._

_3rd Scene: Eric & Donna's plane. They sit down on a bench. An old man is sitting next to them with a guitar and is singing "La Bamba" really badly._

_5th Scene: Jackie's airplane. The entire 1st class section is rocking out to "Dancing Queen." One of the Coach passengers tries to peak in through the curtain but the Stewardess pushes him out._

**Fade out.**


	23. Season Finale Part III

**Intro: (Background music- "People are Strange" by The Doors) Eric and Donna are looking around at all of the other passengers in the "cargo" plane.**

Donna: Eric. I'm really freaked out.

Eric: I know, OK. But don't worry; I'm sure these planes are safe.

Donna: No, it's not that. That guy over there with one tooth keeps blowing kisses at me.

Eric: (Jokingly and looking around) Well, I mean come on now Donna. You're like the only pretty woman here.

Donna: (Gives him a nasty look) Is that supposed to be a compliment or something?

Eric: (Oblivious) What? No (pause) I mean yes. You know you're my sweet momma. (Trying to cuddle up next to her).

Donna: (Pushing him away) Get off of me you dillhole.

Stewardess: (Speaking to a passenger off-screen) Sir, I'm sorry but you have to take your seat now. (Rolling her eyes) And no, we do not have frequent flyer miles for the "Mile High Club."

Fez: (Enters onstage) Are you sure? Because my girlfriend and I could really rack up the points, if you know what I mean?

Rhonda: (Blushing) Oh, Fez.

Eric: (Noticing Fez) Fez? What the hell are you doing here?

Fez: I'm taking Rhonda to meet my family.

Donna: (Shocked) Oh my God! You're from South America!

Fez: No, I'm from Venezuela.

Eric: That's part of South America.

Fez: (Realizing) Oh. Than yes I am.

Donna: Wow! I can't believe we finally know where you're from!

Fez: What are you talking about? You guys never knew?

Rhonda: (Pissy) Hmph. What kind of friends are you guys anyway?

Eric: Fez, it's not like it was obvious or anything.

Fez: Are you kidding? Look at my silky brown skin. (Flexing) My rock-hard physique. (Touching his butt cheeks) My plump buttocks. I'm screaming Venezuelan!

Donna: Uh, whatever.

Fez: (To Rhonda) Come now my sweet. Let's go find our pile of hay. (Pissy) Good day!

Eric: But Fez

Fez: I said Good Day!

**Opening Credits Start.**

**Act I: **

**Scene 1: Manhattan Grooves store. Hyde's yawning behind the cash register while a bunch of customers are milling around. Theo walks in.**

Theo: Hey man. Got any new albums in?

Hyde: Hey Theo. Nothing good, man. Apparently disco hasn't died yet.

Theo: Yeah, that sucks. Oh, by the way, there was some girl looking for you at the bar today.

Hyde: Ugh, probably Lisa. That chick's whacked if you know what I mean.

Theo: True, but she has a great rack.

Hyde: Yeah, you're right.

Theo: But anyway, it wasn't her man. It was a small brunette chick. Also had a nice rack.

Hyde: (Stunned) Did she have a whiny voice?

Theo: Kind of.

Hyde: Did she talk so much that you just wanted to shove something in her mouth so she'd finally shut up?

Theo: Bingo! Man, you have like ESPN or something dude.

(Hyde gives Theo a strange look).

Hyde: (Looking down at the ground and running his hand through his hair) I can't believe Jackie's here.

Theo: Who's Jackie?

Hyde: -Sigh- Just this girl I dated once.

Theo: Oh, so this is the girl.

Hyde: What do you mean "this is the girl?"

Theo: You know, the one that got away.

Hyde: Pft. Not even. I'm glad she's out of my life. She was nothing but a big pain in my ass.

Theo: Whatever you say man. But, just in case you're interested, I told her you would be stopping by the bar later tonight.

Hyde: Whatever. I'm not going.

Theo: Suit yourself man. But tonight's All-You-Can-Drink Frozen Margarita night!

Hyde: Theo. You don't even have a blender man.

Theo: (Laughing) I know. (Still laughing) Suckers!

(Hyde rolls his eyes and walks away).

**Scene 2: Kelso's apartment in Chicago. He's escorting Brooke in.**

Kelso: So, here we are.

Brooke: Wow, nice place! How can you afford this?

Kelso: Well, I blackmailed one of my brothers and he gave me like 3 grand.

Brooke: Whoa! How?

Kelso: He was sleeping with this married chick and I told him I would tell her husband unless he gave me money.

Brooke: That wasn't very nice Michael.

Kelso: I know. But you should have seen the look on his face. Her husband made Andre the Giant look like Eric!

Brooke: No way!

Kelso: Yeah! (Sexily) So, what did you want to do?

Brooke: Well (pause)

(They start kissing. Someone knocks on the door).

Kelso: (He abruptly stops kissing Brooke which leaves her a little stunned) Ooh! The pizza guy is here!

(He opens the door).

Kelso: Hey man, you're late. That earns me a free pizza!

(The guy punches Kelso in the face and he falls down).

Kelso: Ow! (Clueless) OK, never mind.

(The guy steps over Kelso and enters).

Mark: Brooke, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

Brooke: How did you find me here!

Mark: I followed you.

Brooke: Well, there's nothing you could say that would make me change my mind.

Mark: You're going to throw away everything we had for this loser?

Kelso: Loser! I can get any chick I want! (Brooke looks at him). But I wouldn't baby.

Brooke: Mark, you cheated on me, OK. It's over! Now leave!

(Long pause)

Mark: Fine, but I'll be back. (He exits).

Brooke: (Helping Kelso up) Oh Michael, are you OK?

Kelso: (Mad and confused) I'm fine. I thought you said you left Mark because you couldn't stop thinking about me.

Brooke: Right, that's true.

Kelso: Whatever. If Mark hadn't cheated on you would have never left him.

Brooke: What? No, Michael please listen to me.

Kelso: You know what, forget it. I'm not going to be someone's second choice. I'm Michael Kelso. I'm everyone's first choice! Or at least the guy you sleep with while your boyfriend is out of town.

Brooke: (Pleading) Michael, I

Kelso: (Interrupting her) I think you should leave.

(Long pause and then Brooke reluctantly leaves).

Kelso: (Touching his jaw and talking to himself) Man, he hit me on my good side. (Pause) Ah, who am I kidding? (Smiling) Both of my sides are my good sides.

**Scene 3: Forman's basement. Kitty is cleaning up around the couch. She picks up a baseball card off of the floor and starts crying. Red comes down.**

Red: Oh Kitty. Are you crying again? (He goes over to her and consoles her).

Kitty: (Wiping tears away) It's just that, everyone's gone. Laurie and Martin are on their honeymoon, Eric & Donna are on their way to South America, and the rest of the gang is scattered all over the globe. I never knew that an empty house could be so, well empty.

Red: (Smiling) I did. (Kitty gives him a nasty look) -Cough- Look Kitty, if it'll make you feel any better, let's go out to dinner tonight.

Kitty: Really?

Red: Sure. Anywhere you'd like.

Kitty: Oh, thank you Red. (She hugs him. He notices the baseball card that Kitty is holding).

Red: (Grabbing it out of her hand) Oh for Christ's sake. I thought this was an actual baseball card!

Kitty: No, Eric used to collect Star Wars cards. (Pointing to it) See, this is someone called Grand Moff Tarkin. Ooh, he sounds important.

Red: (Rolling his eyes) Damn it! What a waste of my hard earned money. (He throws it on the ground). Next you're going to tell me that he carved figurines out of his baseball bat.

(Long pause. Kitty kind of smiles).

Red: (Realizing) Oh holy hell! (He runs out of the basement).

Kitty: (Yelling after him) He made me a very nice set of Elvis bookends!

**Act II:**

**Scene 4: Theo's bar. Hyde walks in and starts looking around.  
**

Theo: (Laughing) See? I knew the Margarita thing would get you here.

Hyde: No, I'm just here to see Jackie.

Theo: (Pointing) Well, she's right over there man.

Hyde: (Looking around) Where?

Girl: Right here! Hi Hyde!

Hyde: Who are you?

Girl: I'm Tammy. Lisa's friend. Look, I know things didn't work out with you and Lisa but I thought maybe we could go out sometime? (Babbling) You know, if you want to. Because I would like to. It could be fun. We could do whatever you want. Of course, not have sex because I don't do that on the first date. Unless you're in to that sort of thing. Then it's cool. So what do you think? Would that be cool?

(Obviously disappointed, Hyde tunes her out and walks away heading out of the bar).

Leo: (Calling after him) See? I told you she talked too much! (The girl finally stops talking). See, you're a lot prettier when you're not talking man.

Girl: Huh?

Leo: (Holding up a glass) Margarita?

**Cut To: Kelso's apartment. Brooke is knocking on the door.**

Brooke: (From behind the door) Michael? Please open the door.

Kelso: (From the other side of the door) Why should I?

Brooke: Because I have Betsy with me?

Kelso: Really? (He opens the door. Brooke is alone). Nice trick; using our kid.

Brooke: (Feeling guilty) I know, that was wrong.

Kelso: Yeah. You should only use Betsy when it gets us free stuff.

Brooke: Anyway Michael, I know you're still upset with me. But please understand, I didn't even care when Mark cheated on me because deep down I knew I wanted to be with you.

Kelso: (Skeptical) Is that true?

Brooke: Of course it's true. Michael, I really want to make this work.

Kelso: Really? Because I do too. (Pause) Move in with me.

Brooke: Really?

Kelso: Yeah. I want you and Betsy to be here with me.

Brooke: Oh Michael! (They hug)

Kelso: This is going to be awesome. (They break apart from each other).

Brooke: OK, but the slip-n-slide has to go.

Kelso: What? No. That's my trademark! (Brooke gives him a look) Fine. But I'm keeping the trampoline in the corner. I've almost mastered the perfect back flip without hitting the ceiling.

(Brooke laughs and they kiss).

**Scene 5: Airplane. Donna is leaning on Eric's shoulder asleep. **

Stewardess: (Whispering) Excuse me sir? Would you care for a snack?

Eric: Sure.

Stewardess: Here you go. (She hands him a muffin).

Eric: Thanks. (Before he can unwrap it, the pig comes by and snatches it out of his hand and starts eating it). Well that sucks. (To the pig) You know, I hear that pig roasts are quite common down there. (The pig squeals and scurries off). Yeah, take that you fat pig. (Donna starts waking up).

Donna: Mmm. Did you just call me a fat pig?

Eric: No. (Pointing) I called that pig a fat pig. (Still pointing, a heavy lady walks by and gasps) No, not you ma'am. I meant (The lady starts beating Eric with her purse) Ow! (She walks away).

Donna: Eric, that wasn't very nice.

Eric: I wasn't referring to her. Ah, forget it.

(Fez walks up to them and sits down near them).

Fez: Hey guys.

Donna: Hey Fez.

Fez: I feel bad about the way I acted towards you guys before.

Eric: It's OK little buddy. We're just happy we're actually going to know someone down there.

Donna: Yeah.

Fez: So, where are you guys staying?

Eric: (Whipping out the brochure) Here.

Fez: Ai! That's horrible. Why don't you stay with me?

Donna: Why? Is your place bigger?

Fez: Of course. You don't think that the richest family in Valencia lives in a hut, do you?

Eric/Donna: What!

Fez: You guys didn't know my family owned their own shipping company?

Eric/Donna: No!

Fez: (Pissy) Did you guys know anything about me in high school?

Eric: Uh, not really no.

Donna: Yeah even your name was a little funky.

Fez: Huh. Well, I should be mad but I'm not. You are my friends after all. However, you're not getting the good guesthouse.

Donna: Guesthouse?

Fez: Yes. There's one with a pool and one without. You two must earn the one with the pool! (He walks away).

Eric: Whoa. I can't believe this.

Donna: I know. Jackie's going to be superpissed that she passed on Fez.

Eric: Yeah. That's like the best BURN ever!

Donna: I know. (They're both laughing). (Slight pause) Eric?

Eric: Yeah?

Donna: I'm really glad we're doing this.

Eric: Me too. I just can't believe that after all of this time, and all of my screw-ups, that we are finally going to be together.

Donna: I know.

Eric: Donna, I've loved you from the first day I met you.

Donna: Even though I punched you in the nads?

Eric: Uh, yeah even so. (They both laugh). But seriously, I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. (Pause) Donna, will you marry me?

Donna: What!

Eric: I mean, I know we have to wait until we're back home and all but this time I think we're ready.

Donna: Eric? Oh my God! (She hugs him) Of course I'll marry you.

Eric: And this time I'll show up! I promise. (They pull away).

Donna: You better or I will so kick your ass.

Eric: (Laughing) Yeah, I know.

Donna: (Punching him in the stomach) I'm serious this time.

Eric: (Wincing) Ow! (Wheezing) I guess I deserved that.

(She puts her head back down on his shoulder. They sit for a while content with each other. Then the pig comes walking back again).

Eric: (Pointing and addressing the pig) I'm serious man, all I need is an apple and some fire my friend. (The pig runs off. The camera pans to show Fez & Rhonda cuddling and Donna & Eric leaning on each other).

**Scene 6: W.B.'s apartment building. Hyde exits the elevator. Looking down, he starts fiddling with his keys while heading down the hallway towards his apartment. As he gets closer, he looks up and sees someone sitting on the ground in front of his door.**

Hyde: (Approaching the door) Jackie?

Jackie: (Looking up at Hyde) Oh Steven!

(She stands up and hugs him. He slowly goes to hug her as well but resists. He grabs her wrists from behind his neck and pulls her off of him).

Hyde: (Coldly) What the hell are you doing here?

Jackie: (Stunned) Steven, so much has happened I don't even know where to begin.

Hyde: (Sarcastically) Hmm, let me guess. Pretty-college-boy dumped you and you decided that, "Hey, Hyde's a sucker and he's probably still in to me so let's give that a try again." (He starts opening the door with his key).

Jackie: Oh Steven, it's not like that at all.

(He opens the door and drops his keys on the table. Jackie follows him in).

Jackie: (Looking at the apartment) Wow. This place is amazing.

Hyde: (Ignoring her) Look, was there another reason you stopped by because I'm exhausted and I have to work tomorrow.

Jackie: Steven, please listen to me. You were right. We belong together. I just couldn't see that until now.

Hyde: Yeah well, things have changed. I don't feel the same way anymore.

Jackie: (Shocked) We both know that isn't true. Steven, I didn't even see the letter you wrote until today.

Hyde: (Rolling his eyes and walking away from her) That's the lamest thing I ever heard.

Jackie: (Grabbing his arm) It's the truth. Peter must have seen it in my room and hid it from me. Donna found it and gave it to me. You can ask her yourself. (Pause) Believe me, if I knew a letter like this existed I would have flown to New York in a heartbeat.

Hyde: Yeah, so fine. Now I know.

Jackie: That's it? That's all you have to say?

(Long pause)

Hyde: -Sigh- Jackie, what do you want from me?

Jackie: Nothing. (Long pause. Tears roll down her face) I love you Steven. And I know you love me too. And if you really meant what this letter said then yes, I want to live with you and plan for our future. (She moves closer to him. He notices the ring on her finger and grabs her hand to look at it). Please Steven, don't let a misunderstanding come between us again.

(There is a long pause. Hyde drops Jackie's hand and stares into her eyes).

Hyde: (Whispering) What took you so long?

(He grabs her and hugs her tightly, then plants a kiss on top of her head).

The entire end sequence is portrayed in slow motion to the song "High" by James Blunt.

**Author's Tip: It flows better if you listen to the song while reading**

**Intro to Music Starts:** Hyde & Jackie are still hugging in the apartment.

**Fade Out.**

**Fade In:**_"Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me."_ (A piece of confetti is shown falling).

**Fade Out.**

**Fade In:**_"There is nothing else in the world, I'd rather wake up and see (with_ _you)."_ (Another piece of confetti is shown falling into a champagne glass).

**Fade Out.**

**Fade In:**_"Beautiful dawn - I'm just chasing time again."_ (Random people are wearing New Years hats and laughing)

**Fade Out.**

**Fade In:**_"Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night."_ (Forman's living room. Red & Kitty are wearing hats and laughing with their guests).

**Fade Out.**

**Fade In:**_"But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above."_ (Flash of light, the Forman's living room is packed with guests celebrating New Years 1979).

_"Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me."_ (Kelso, Brooke, Fez & Rhonda enter through the front door and Kitty greets them).

_"Beautiful dawn - melts with the stars again."_ (Red hands them all drinks).

_"Do you remember the day when my journey began?"_ (Martin & a pregnant Laurie go over to everybody).

_"Will you remember the end (of time)?"_ (Leo & Theo walk in from the kitchen eating and drinking).

_"Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again."_ (Donna & Eric come downstairs to see everyone, then kiss).

_"Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine."_ (Laurie tries to take a sip of champagne but Bob takes it from her).

_"High; running wild among all the stars above."_ (Hyde & Jackie come in through the kitchen door and everyone greets them).

_"Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me."_ (Everyone has hats on and they are counting down until 1980 is flashed on the screen. They all are shouting and start hugging each other).

**Cut To: **_"Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older? Promise me tomorrow starts with you" _(The gang is in the basement. Bob is getting them together to take a picture. Hyde is sitting in his chair, Jackie on his lap. Eric, Donna, Rhonda are on the couch. Fez is sitting in front of them on the floor. Kelso is in the lawn chair and Brooke is on his lap. Red & Kitty are standing behind everyone).

_"Getting high; running wild among all the stars above. Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me."_  
(Bob snaps the picture. The still picture is shown. A close-up shot of Red & Kitty: the tag underneath reads, "Lived in Wisconsin for 3 more years before retiring and moving down to Florida." A close-up shot of Kelso & Brooke: the tag underneath reads, "Got married, then divorced, married then divorced, then married again. They are still living in Chicago." A close-up shot of Fez & Rhonda: the tag underneath reads, "Fez's parents were outraged that Rhonda was not rich and cut him off. They currently live in Kenosha with 2 dogs." A close-up shot of Hyde & Jackie: the tag underneath reads, "After 5 long years, Hyde & Jackie finally got married. He still runs the record store and Jackie has her own matchmaking service. They are still living in New York." A close-up shot of Eric & Donna: the tag underneath reads, "Eric & Donna moved back home after 3 years. Eric is a professor at the Community College and Donna is the station manager of WFPP. They got married and are living in the Forman's home.").

**As the music fades out:**

(The current 1980 still picture is shown, then it morphs into a 1977 Season 1 shot of the gang sitting in the basement).

**Tagline:**

"What a long strange trip it's been with That 70's Show."

(1998-2006)

**Final Fade Out.**

_I hope you all enjoyed this story as much as I did writing it._


End file.
